When I think too much...

I got up this morning and did my usual fight in my head...get out of bed or stay in bed...you can't stay in bed, you have two kids at home and they need you up.  I got out of bed and made it downstairs to the coffee maker.  I had been arguing in my head for about 15 minutes while I waited for my husband to make the coffee.  I heard the little beep, beep that the coffee was done.  I looked at the setting and he had made strong...why does he do that...I hate strong coffee...I like mine with lots of sweet and low and milk...he should know that...so I say to him, "You made the coffee strong?  I hate that" to which he says, "Oh we can change it, I like it strong but I don't really care."  Great, I am married to the nicest human being on earth and I am gritching at him about the strength of the coffee.  You are a piece of work my head replies.

I finally talk myself into going to the gym too.  That cute little instructor will call the house like she did yesterday and I will feel worse about myself than I do right now...I take my youngest to school and race to the gym because I am going to be late.  I am always late and I appear to be a slacker. I'm not a slacker, my head says, but I am sure slacking these days.  What is wrong with you anyway? my head says.  I just don't feel good anymore, I am getting old, I tell my head...I am 46 and who else do you know my age that goes to the gym as much as me?  You live in Colorado...don't you? My head says, So get over yourself!  Everyone is fit here....you are the chubby one.

I watched the Biggest Loser last night and as I said before, I love that show.  I have been thinking about why I love these shows.  Why...maybe because they are all bigger than me?  Because they feel all the time what I feel at times or do we fight the same battle on a different level...I don't know.  Let's be honest, I am overweight but not hundreds of pounds.  Probably 50 at the very most.  But at my age, I notice that it affects me more...and I see the shift to getting older.  I hate it alot.   I was never the thin, beautiful teenager...I was the tall, chunky, clunky teenager and some of my friends in college called me the "amazon woman".  You get the picture.  So, is this the last chance to redeem myself and become a pretty older woman?   Am I searching for some lost beauty of yesteryear? 

My trainer, the cute instructor, says 70% of losing weight is diet.  Actually that is my problem.  I love to eat.  I love food and it love's me.  I can hear it in my head when I eat pasta...oh, this is awesome and I love when you eat me because you feel so good.  Have some more... I also hear the not so loving voices of failure...you said today is the day...only veggies and fruit...so why are you having THAT?  It is a constant battle for me.  I start every day the same...I am going to eat good and exercise and drink water...and by 5 pm, I am in the pantry fighting the demons.   WHY..WHY...WHY?  Do other folks fight the fight like I do and lose?  Do they have to do it on almost a moment by moment basis to not be overweight?  What is the deal?  Where does this craziness come from?

I have no answers today except that it is 1:15 and I have had water, salad and am staying away from the kitchen.  I can't even go in there or I will have to see what appeared in the pantry since the last time I was there.  So far so good, huh?  My trainer said this morning in her happy voice, "No white things and feed your body good stuff"...OK, I think the problem is that good stuff for me is pasta, bread, butter, pizza and plenty of it washed down with the favorite alcohol of choice for the week...I don't think that is exactly what she means when she says" good stuff."  Oh well, I have made it so far today and who knows, if I eat another salad tonight, brush my teeth and go to bed at around 6:30pm...I can kill two birds with one stone...get plenty of sleep and eat the "good stuff" the trainer is talking about. 

Well, like I said, I will take it minute by minute but once I fall off the wagon...I want a big turkey sub with macaroni salad and potato salad...the old fashioned kind from Safeway with a cold Coor's light.  No wonder I can't do this...I am planning my failures.  I better just go to bed now and save myself from myself!!!

We'll tawk tommorrow,

I love you all,

Terry