Life is different these days...

It's Sunday and lot's of Sundays I go to church.  Not this one,  I will watch it on you tube, but today, I am in my head so much, I thought I would stay home and try to write a blog.  I haven't written in a long time so I thought I would catch you up on things.

June 22, 2021, at around 11 o'clock, I my  R kidney taken out of me that was full of cancer.  I got to experience all the things cancer, the what if's, the terror of learning that I could be dying, the humbleness of having so much pain that I tried to stay loaded on Morphine and then said things that made no sense for days while I tried to recover.

Then I came home and recovered, felt really good and prayed to God that when the surgeon came out and told Jim and Christie that he got "everything"...that he really did!  I walked around in gratitude and hope this was a big one off and how lucky I was that I got to experience all this "goodness and learning" because I am a hospice nurse and I am the luckiest person in the world.  I made my oncology appointment  3 weeks later because, " Oh yeah that's right, I had cancer" and the oncologist tells me that "I just have to watch you every 3 months because at this time, you are cured!"  Jim and I walked out of the office holding hands and thinking we just won the lottery of life!

I healed up and we started doing all the things that we did before, biking and hiking and having our cocktails at happy hour.  Life was so good we could not believe it!!!

I went to Florida in Nov 2021 to visit my college buddies (scheduled when I thought I may be dying)  and then family after my first scan and results were good, but now that I look back, not perfect.  That scan gave Jim and I the glimpse of terror that now comes every 3 months with scans, but  then I didn't think too much about it as I was still "cured" per the oncologist!!!  He asked insurance to put me on Keytruda, an immune therapy that just came out for folks who had bad kidney tumors.  I was so happy when insurance approved and started my every 3 week journey in the "chair" for my IV immune therapy.  The good new there was that I tolerated it well and had no side effects.

Life went on just like before, but  now every 3 weeks I sat in the chair for 30 minutes! I lived in the thought of  "I can do this and I am feeling great" and I biked at Buff Creek and continued to hike trails and not even think about it. Life was so good and my family just kept doing what we always do.  Howie was in Michigan, Mac and Elise in Minnesota and Christie and Kev in Lakewood.  

February 2022, terror week rolled around.  I got my scan and have learned by now that the results come when the radiologist reads it.  I had my scan on a Wednesday and was supposed to go to the oncologist the following week to get results, but I was hoping they would come earlier.  Well, they did.  It was a Sunday morning and Jim and I were drinking coffee at the kitchen table before church and I checked my email.  There was the email from the oncologist portal saying I had new results.  Because it took 5 days, I was thinking something was wrong so I burst into tears and started to cry as I opened it.  I hesitated when the report came up and was afraid to read it and I was right to be! 2 tumors in my lung that were not there before.  The final reading said, tumor growth and Stage 4 metastatic disease!!!!

I fell deep into a hole and didn't know how to navigate this.  Who do you tell?  Am I on my way out and if so, what matters?  I'm a Hospice nurse and I have watched folks have a ton of hope only to learn that nothing worked...Is that going to be me?  As I spoke all of this out loud, Jim would say, "Terry, we'll just  do the next thing. We'll go to the doctor and see what is next."  I sent an email to my boss and said I needed the week off, told Jim he needed to tell the kids and sat on the couch.    I didn't want to talk to anyone, think about anything else except the what if's and cry in my drink.  Like I said, I am a hospice nurse and understand dying but as I learned that day.....I am a hospice nurse for others and understand dying...for others and his was me!

Jim and I went to the oncologist the next week and he recommended I start another med, another immune med that will work on the cancer.  He told me there aren't too many side effects.  "you won't lose your hair like regular chemo" he said. Fabulous....

By the grace of God, I got fast tracked into UCH for a second opinion.  They recommended a PET scan and lung biopsy, which I had in the same week.  Results were mixed and the Oncologist at UCH, who could have been my daughter, said I was getting the right treatment. I told her through tears that I wanted to last until my son got married next year and she assured me I would.  Let's hope so, right?

As for now, I continue on with 2 immune therapy drugs and feel okay.  To this day, I am doing that.  I have terror weeks every 3 months and the last 2 scans have been better!  I have smaller tumors, no new anything and am blessed.  Side effects have been a little more brutal than I would like and the fatigue did overwhelm me at some points.  I mean, as I go along, It could be so much worse, right? 

 After my February set back, I now have all my kids in the area....I see them regularly and my family sustains me.  My son and his love are getting married and I am planning on being there to celebrate for sure.  I am not saying no to anything that sounds fun.  I realized that while some folks have a bucket list that has travel at the top of it, I do not.  I would love to travel, but I would rather be spending time with the people that I love.  I want get togethers with my loves, time to laugh and reminisce about the times of life that made us close and how we got each other through this life.  I want authenticity, commraderie, and comfort.  The things I think of with enduring love and friendship through the years.  I want you to accept me as I am and I will for you.  

I honestly cannot believe I have been on this journey for 16 months! I have cut down on work and will continue to figure that out as I love being an nurse!  I go to counseling to try to keep the demons of fear and anxiety at bay, try daily not to sweat the small stuff, and never leave a gathering without saying I love you, and kissing them goodbye.  Even if I last 20 more years, which is highly unlikely, I want everyone I love to know I do.  I don't count on do overs and I try not to take any time for granted...

We'll tawk soon,

I truly love you all,

Terry