Today was a day like no other. I want to say it was profound...
I sat across from a man that had to make a difficult decision. A life changing decision and a decision that would be something that he thought of often. We talked for an hour and one half about his choices and then made the decision that made his heart ache but was the right one. He stood tall and is letting nature take it's course. It takes a special person to do that and an amazing human being to have the strength to make those kinds of decisions. I am honored and humbled that I got to sit with him as he decided...
As I left the house, I knew that he was ready for whatever he had to deal with and I got the feeling that I was just where I was supposed to be at the time. The feeling carried me most of the day until I arrived at a party.
My patient, just diagnosed with a terminal cancer, had planned a birthday party and wanted to have it. We changed her medication plan to help her deal with the symptoms and I was to "stop" by and make sure we were winning. We were...
I knocked on the door to find 6 "older" ladies with wine glasses in their hands getting ready to celebrate life. I looked around and realized that I knew a few from taking care of family members. I was introduced and revered as "Terry the nurse" that took care of my... I felt a chill run up my spine as I talked to each one and asked how the family was and what they were doing. I had made an impact in their lives and they were so happy to see me. I found that interesting because I always think that no one really wants to see the "hospice nurse" because at the time, things are so tender and sad that it is something to push to the outer aspects of the brain.
But it was a celebration and a time to treasure every second of life in that house. They joked and visited and loved each other like only 75 year old women could. I felt so honored to be there and almost stayed to party with them.
But I left, and as I headed to the car, another woman showed up and got out. She was another one of my widows and it was a short time. Her husband was very ill and I worked fast and hard to get that family to a place of peace. She was so excited to see me and I told her..."You don't want to see me, I was present for such a difficult time in your life" to which she responded, " I can not repay you and would love to see you again." I told her that I go by her house most days and if I see her car...I will stop and we can visit. And, I am sure I will.
I spend my days thinking when I am not on the phone with doctors, patients or my family. I think about how hard life is, how unfair things can be and how quickly things can change. I also think about the other side of that...when life is hard, it seems people come out of the woodwork to help, to love, and to make things easier. As I told this son this morning, "you are a wonderful son and a reflection of your mothers love...I can only hope my sons can step up and do what you have done for your mother." Because he did and is and it is not the easy way out. It is the way of a person with integrity and strength...
I called my husband and apologized for all the things I did to make him feel unloved this week. Sometimes ( a lot of the time) I take him for granted.
This day was profound, cosmic, holy...all those things... One for the record books. I felt like I was exactly where I was supposed to be and do what I am called to do...love folks.
So, as I finish my week, try to love all these folks exactly where they are...I am thankful for those little signs that keep me going. I prefer to believe that the holy spirit...the angel on my shoulder...knows that sometimes I need more than can be given by humans and gives me the holy and profound so I know that I got this. I know that to be true as I mutter things that I never thought of before but come out of my mouth like a song of comfort and peace.
I also thought of all my friends and how when we are 75, I can only hope that we can be together, remembering the good times, picking at each other and laughing about the times in life that we screwed up. Just plain loving each other and knowing we did it right. To see those ladies doing that today made me so happy!
I leave you with thoughts to ponder. Life is hard, and wonderful and people are difficult but beautiful and loving. I feel like I get so much more that what I give to familes and people. I am so lucky to do what I do!
We'll tawk tomorrow,
I love you all,