Friday, December 31, 2010

New Year's Eve and it's our Anniversary

Today is New Years Eve and yes, 22 years ago we were married.  We stood at the altar of Prince of Peace Lutheran Church in Denver and promised alot of things.  We were married by a  good friend of my husband, who happened to be a pastor  Anyway, it was a cold night, much like tonight is going to be and there was snow in the streets.  I was 24 and my husband was 27.  At that point, it was not a sure thing...really.  We were young, in love and thought we wanted to make a life together.  That was about as much as we had planned...we were just going to play the rest by ear....

We met almost a year before at a "club" in Aurora called Cajun's Wharf.  I was working as a traveling nurse at St. Anthony Central for a 13 week gig.  My friends and I decided to go out and see what was to be seen...if you know what I mean.  He was standing at what he later called his "perch" looking at the passersby.  The "perch" was on the way to the bathroom so I passed him a few times.  One of the times, I noticed he looked a little too long and me, being who I am, asked him..."are you gonna tawk to me or what?"  We went to breakfast at a Denny's on Colorado after the "club" closed with his step-brother-in-law.  Weird, kinda, but I gave him my number.

He called the next day and wanted me to come to his apartment to watch the Bronco's game.  He and his room mate were having a party.  No...I am not coming to your apartment...but I will meet you out.  He really wanted me to come over...wanted to watch the game.  By the time we firmed up plans, he was driving to Aurora during the last 1:12 in the game where "the fumble" saved the win for the Bronco's and he had missed the whole thing.  He walked into bar after the game was over and had missed a piece of Bronco's history.  At the time, I didn't understand what that meant.  I do now.

Our first date was the stock show.  Let's just say that I didn't really know what to think.  We walked around and he tried to hold my hand and I wouldn't let him.  He had on a tweed jacket and cowboy boots and we drove in his pick up truck.  Yeah...he's a nice guy and all but....Then it happened.  We were sitting at the rodeo and I was watching the cowboys "strangle" the poor calves with a rope.  I could barely stand it.  Why did they have to do that?  Doesn't that hurt the poor things?  I looked over at my date, at the time, and got the "you're going to marry him" thought in my head.  Huh, really...

We started to do lots of things together...he was very persistant but unbelievably kind at the same time.  We skied in the frigid temperatures, we took road trips and talked the whole way.  We camped with mosquitos on the Grand Mesa.  We took a canoe down the Colorado river and camped in a field of cows.  How's that for a girl from New York?  And here's the kicker...I was falling in love. 

I went home to visit my parents in August for three weeks.  It seemed like forever and we talked constantly...he was not only my boyfriend but had become my best friend in the process.  He picked me up from the airport and we decided to go have a beer and visit.  As we were talking he said...you know, "we oughta get married"...and that was that.  I knew it was coming and I wanted the same thing but...we were just kids, and getting married was so grown up.  Oh well...93 days from when he asked me in that sport's bar...we were married. 

Now for that first year...beyond hard.  We fought a lot...or I should say, I did.  I fought for attention, power, things...just because I wanted to fight.  My husband, on the other hand, likes peace.  He wanted me to be happy.  That's all and nothing more.  It took a while to work out the kinks but we settled into a married routine.

In the first 10 years of marriage, we had some growing to do.  He was with me when the Queen was born, took care of her like he knew how to be a dad naturally, did the same with my oldest son.  We worked on a major remodel of our house, with our own hands, and dealt with the loss of my mother.  I will never forget when I got the phone call that she was dying...I turned to my husband and said, "what do I do" to which he replied, "you go to her."  I had a one and three year old and he had a full time job...who would take care of them when I went?  I didn't need to ask that...he did and I went.  When he picked me up at the airport after her death and funeral, I cried all the way home and he didn't say a word.  I was so happy to be home, to have helped my mother die and to be able to come home to someone who, I realized, would always be there for me.  Not only when it was easy but especially when it was hard.

We have been through other things that just solidify the strength of the man I married.  He has been with me through losing my father, his father and other family issues.  He has a grace and heart that is capable of more love and patience than any man I know.  He is consistent, kind and thoughtful.  He is not a romantic.  If I push him to be...he will do it, but that is not who he is.  He hasn't changed much in the last 20 something years.  He was kind hearted and fun loving when he was young and although he has wrinkles around his eyes and gray in his beard, he is who he is.  There is not a day that goes by that he doesn't tell me he loves me and gives me a kiss.  He tells me how pretty I am every day...to which I usually reply that he needs to get his eyes checked!

I could go on forever with how much he means to me...but I think it is time to sum up the parts.  He is my best friend all the time, my love most of the time, and the best father I know.  I can't wait to see what the next 20 years brings us to conquer together. 

So to my husband...I love you more today than 20 something years ago...a different, enduring, lasting love.  I guess although we have been "winging it"...those things we said to each other that New Years Eve long ago were true:

I take you, Jim, to be my husband,
From this day forward
To join with you and share all that is to come,
and I promise to be faithful to you until death parts us.

So far so good!

We'll tawk later,

Thursday, December 30, 2010

One more thing...

Why do I have so many unmatched socks? 

I hope this isn't a symbol of how I live my life...although...I see a new resolution in my future or not...because really who cares?

We'll tawk later,

Things on my mind today...

It's cold today and supposed to be getting a lot colder.  We are also expecting some snow.  In my house, it's not winter without snow.  Last year, we had a ton of snow.  This picture was taken in my driveway before Halloween in 2009.  Feet and feet by the time May came.  I was done....

This year has been mild, almost spring like with the temperatures.  And really no snow to speak of.  A dusting here and there but...I guess it is time for some snow...they say 5-10 inches in Denver, which means feet here.  I will keep you posted about the snow.

The last night seemed like it was a success.  I checked in as the Queen was opening some "booty pop" panties...enough for me to see.  I went to bed and hoped for the best.  There is still a car or two here and a body or two on the couch covered with blankets.  Things have changed...I guess college kids don't have to go home...they can sleep where they fall.

Today is the 30th...22 years ago, I was getting ready to be married.  I was 24 at the time.  I look back and think about how young I was.  24...what was I thinking?  Actually, I'm pretty lucky to have the guy.  He is who he is and has been that way for the 22 years.  Sure, we have had our ups and downs but really it has been a good 12 years!  (Just kidding, honey)

So what to do today?  I could certainly clean up the mess made by the party...but I won't.  That is the Queen's deal and if I wait long enough for her to get going...it will be done.  Not too bad really...

Believe it or not, I am working while I am writing...well not really....but I sent a few emails and am hoping for a reply.  I think that counts, don't you? 

As I sit here looking out the window...it is snowing.  The kind of snow that heads downward but is caught by the wind and looks like it it coming to say hello as it swirls in front of you.  I think this is going to be a big one...finally...as my youngest son replies.  Yeah, finally...I guess.  Tommorrow is my anniversary and the eve of start of a new year...

I guess it is time to sew this post up...nothing too enlightening, profound or cosmic.  It just is and some days...it's all I got. 

Yep, that's all I got...but "what are ya gonna do?"
We'll tawk later,

Wednesday, December 29, 2010


As I sit up here in my office, I can hear the laughing, cackling and hearty discussion from the group in the livingroom.  They all showed up around 7:30 when my husband and I were out having dinner.  The Queen had invited everyone, or so it seems, over for a "White elephant" christmas party.  Actually, the white elephant part was to give her a reason to have a party.  I tend to think she is not like me at all but as she gets older, she is starting to do things I have always done...like having everyone over.

The are about 20 teenagers in my living room and I have known most of them since kindergarten and a few of them...their whole life.  I have watched them in countless band concerts, christmas plays, soccer games and awards ceremonies.  I have handed them food at 1st grade parties, homecoming parties, band competitions and after prom parties.  They have sat in my kitchen when I gave the "lecture".  I would ask about school and boys and all things high school.  I watched them walk across the stage and accept their diploma as they graduated from high school.  I have heard about their crushes and their hurts and watched them fall in and out of love.  They are the Queen's friends and I feel like in alot of ways they are mine.

They all went to college.  Some close and some far.  They left to be nurses, engineers, teachers, soldiers...some went without a plan but to find their way in the world and make a place for themselves.  When they left, they were young kids that had mother's that knew their every move (or so we thought) and had hoped that they knew enough to make it without us.  I remember prom night when the group of mom's met to take pictures and visit at one of the houses.  We talked of the hopes and dreams for the group and what we thought would happen when the left for college.  We were all dreaming big but in our hearts, we just wanted them to survive and be OK.  We talked about the classes they would take and the places they would live and the meal plans they would be using.  We were excited and scared for them at the same time.

Time has passed and they have made it.  Maybe they didn't all do perfectly or make the best grades, but they are here.  They are all back in one piece and it's as if nothing has changed, but really everything has.  They seem older and more aware of the preciousness of the friendships of the past.  They will tell you about how they have so many new friends and that is wonderful.  But they still are here...in my livingroom, laughing like the old times and remembering. 

So, I went out with my husband, we had a great italian dinner and then came home to this.  For me, the mother who couldn't believe that her daughter was really leaving, and if she did...would she ever come back?  This is one of the moments to cherish...not only to have her back for the evening, but the whole group.  It's like nothing has changed...but really everything has...and it's good.

We'll tawk later.

Monday, December 27, 2010

What? Is there a message here...

This is one of the gifts that my husband bought me for Christmas...is he trying to tell me something?

We'll tawk later,

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Christmas day and wishes...

Good morning and hope everyone had a a good Christmas.  We did.  It was different than the our usual... although our "usual" is changing.  On Christmas eve, we took the picture and it turned out exactly how I thought it would...the light wasn't right, and the focus was off...but that generally sums up how things go around here.  Always just a little off.   Actually, I look better in lower light and the gang looks good too!

We went to church and it was good.  The message was hope and peace for a weary world...and who isn't looking for that?  I know I am. 

We opened our one present and it was late.  The kids stayed up and played banagrams and my husband and I went to bed.  It was after midnight!  When I got up, here's what I found...and I though they were too old to believe in Santa!

So there...I had a good laugh and then realized that maybe we have been drinking a little too much lately or... did they hope Santa would get a little oiled up and leave really good presents?   Hopefully it is the latter!

I then went to gathering the gifts from Santa that were hidden around the house.  I went down the the Queen's room and got the gift from under the bed for the oldest son.  I went upstairs to get the gifts that were left in my bedroom for the youngest son.  I then made the note from Santa for the Queen.   

I knew the guitar would be a hit and I got it when Ms. Moon's lovely girl and I got to hang out.  She recommended this one and it is perfect.  Just perfect.  I heard songs strummed..."Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and "Swing Life Away" and feel like this was a great choice for a gift.  Behind the guitar is a new baseball glove, an Easton -3 (that's minus 3 for all of us folks not baseball savy) bat, and a bag to carry all of it.  That is the passion of youngest son. 

The Queen was a little hard to buy for...she really didn't want much and as she said, "I don't have any room to put stuff."  So, I tried desperately to not just get "stuff".  So she ended up with money to spend on college needs,  a blanket I made for her (sorta) and a filter for water.

After we hung out for awhile, we did another tradition, thanks to my husband....we went into the woods and cross country skied.  We have been doing that in one form or another since he was carrying the Queen in a back pack.  We packed up a "snack" lunch and headed out.  We went to a beautiful area and spent a few hours.

When we got home I made dinner, had a welcome visitor and played Cranium.  Team Mom and Dad won!  It was a good day and night. 

I have one more picture to post and it is my hope for all...as the holiday season winds down and the world continues to wind up...

I wish you all peace...deep peace and love, for eyes to be open to the life that is happening around you, to the kindness of strangers and kindness of family that often goes unseen because of past hurts, for living a life without fear and treasuring moments and not things....that is my wish for myself and for all people far and wide.  But mostly for peace!

I love you all,
Tawk later,

Friday, December 24, 2010

Is it really Christmas eve? Musings from a house in chaos....

Christmas Eve 2010 in lovely Conifer, Colorado.  Interesting how I feel today...I am not sad or depressed but I am not overly excited about the day either.  

I remember in the days of small children, Christmas would sweep me away with shopping and baking and wearing fancy clothes and taking the Christmas picture and writing the perfect letter to mail with the picture.  The letter had to be funny and informative but not bragging at all.  It had to be humbling and thankful and fit on one page.  Yes, and I did that for the last 10 years or so.  Well, this year, I wrote the letter and it is sitting in my documents and to be honest, we didn't take a picture yet.  Haven't done it and can't seem to get everyone together at the same time who are all showered and wearing the right clothes to take a family picture.  Used to be I would dress them and comb their hair and prop them somewhere.  We would pose, and then my husband would run in the picture and see how it came out.  We would do that again and again until the boys were hitting each other and I was yelling at them to "stop it" and finally we would get one that was OK.  Never a great one...but enough was enough.  Then there was the year we decided to have the dog in the picture and my favorite picture was all of us standing there with the dog's nose wedged in my husband's crotch.  Needless to say, he did not let me use that one as our picture!  Maybe this year I will do a Happy New Year card.

It's gray and white at our house with a creeping fog over the mountains.  The air looks like it is moving but I think it is just the smallest of moisture trying to turn into snowflakes.  Can't see Pikes Peak from the kitchen like you can on clear days.  I sit down at my kitchen table and look out the window and usually see for hundreds of miles with the tip of Pikes Peak in the distance.  When the sun is heading down and the shadows are creeping in...it is more beautiful than I can describe with words.  Not today though.  But, there is a peace I am noticing today.  The teenagers are still in bed and my husband is in the kitchen doing the crossword puzzle from the newspaper.  Just quiet right now and it feels right.

Today is Christmas Eve...we will get dressed and stand in front of the Christmas tree before church tonight.  We will set the timer and snap a few pictures...none of them will be great but that is what we do.  We'll go to church and wish everyone a merry christmas and the church will be lit with tons of candles and it will have that comforting glow.  We will listen to the sermon about new beginnings, how God chose ordinary people to change the world and how if we feel like we are not worthy...we are.  We will then have communion and see all the people we dressed up with the families from far away.  That always touches me alot.  I love families and the love they feel when they are together.  Then the service will be over and we will light our little white candles down the aisles of the church.  The organist will begin "Silent night" and the lights will dim. 

Silent night, holy night
All is calm, all is bright
Round yon Virgin Mother and Child
Holy Infant so tender and mild
Sleep in heavenly peace
Sleep in heavenly peace

Silent night, holy night!
Shepherds quake at the sight
Glories stream from heaven afar
Heavenly hosts sing Alleluia!
Christ, the Saviour is born
Christ, the Saviour is born

Silent night, holy night
Son of God, love's pure light
Radiant beams from Thy holy face
With the dawn of redeeming grace
Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth
Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth "

We will finish the song, put out our candles and go home.  And it is Christmas!

Please accept my good wishes for love, peace, absence of fear, new relationships and being worthy because you are!  I love you all....

We'll tawk later,

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

The old gray mare....she ain't what she used to be!

I think I pulled a muscle in my stomach...really.  I know what you are thinking...it's a miracle that she even has stomach muscles...right?  Well, you are right...and I don't have much in the way of stomach muscles but come on...pulling one?  I walked around yesterday bent over because I couldn't stand up straight.  That ache was added to the stiff neck so I couldn't turn my head to the right without pain and the middle of my back between my "wings" was sore too.  Oh, and then there are my knees...always aching for some reason or another.  I hate to complain but what is the deal...why at 46 have I totally fallen apart?

I look at my face and think I am looking at someone else.  The wrinkles on my face are taking over...and there is no cream in the world to fix it.  I was not born with good genes as far as the skin goes.  Yeah, I guess smoking in my 20's didn't help that either.  My teeth are moving forward in my mouth...kinda like they have decided to leave through the front door.  Even the dentist offered to sand off the bottom ones because they look like "snaggle teeth"...and by  the way, have you considered whitening?  I swear to you that is what he said.  After I got over what he said I had to laugh because he is so right...they could use some work.

Then there's the whisker on the chin...I don't ever notice it until it is an inch long and getting in my coffee in the morning.  I look in the rear view mirror to back up and almost lose my breath when I finally notice this long thing.  I always tell my husband he should tell me when I am growing a beard... but I guess his eyes are going too...but he  still looks good.  What is with that?  I go to the gym, try to eat well and he looks good.  He is gray and wrinkled but he looks cute, even distinguished with them and me...well, you know.

I am trying desparately to hold on to some semblance of youth and it isn't working.  I play softball in the summer but I can't see to catch or hit the ball anymore.  Oh, and forget about running.  It's like I am pulling a trailor to get around the bases.  Not funny!  I also have been on my snowboard this season.  It was fun and all but I can hardly get my big rear end up when I buckle the binding.  Last week, I got stuck in some deep snow and it took me an hour to move to a different place.  I was flopping around on the hill like a fish out of water.  Let's just say, no one stopped to help me because they couldn't stop laughing long enough.  When I finally got out of the hole I was in, my coat was up around my neck and I was freezing.  It took me a couple of days to recover...and by recover I mean being able to walk down the stairs without commenting how painful it was with each step.

Oh and the LGN (Look Good Naked) boot camp...forget about it.  I go every morning and sweat and huff and puff and for what?  I am exhausted, sore and not any thinner.  Let's face some real facts...I didn't look good naked in my 20's so we can forget about the 40's.  I talk to friends of mine about this and they ask...is it menopause?  No... not yet...but let's just say, I can't wait to be invited to that party. 

I am just in middle age...although I don't want to be.  I am trying desperately to stay young.  The media says "Use it or lose it" but that philosophy is not really working for me.  I guess there really is no alternative so I will still try new things, dance more, eat too much and then eat nothing, buy tons of different face creams hoping for a miracle, enroll in the latest yoga, boot camp or what ever comes along that promises me an increase in energy.  I also think this spring I will give softball another try. It is fun at the time.  I say so what if  I'm sore and I'm tired.  I can also bet you I will never look good naked again either...but I guess I will keep going and  just turn off the lights!

Well, that's my complaining for today...of course there is more but I will spare you.
Have a great night,
We'll tawk later.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Taking chances

Today is a special day for the family.  We are having guests.  These guests come from far away...well atleast one of them, and it is a special honor.  You see, I get to have the honor of a princess and her boyfriend...at my house for dinner.

I went to college in Florida...at FSU and graduated in 1985.  In my nursing classes, I met many women and a few men.  I was 18 and trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted to do when I grew up.  In some ways, I was like my Queen.  To be honest, I can't remember how we ended up as friends because it seemed like it was meant to be...our hearts always were friends.  She was 28 with two young children trying to go to school and be a good mother.   And she was...she managed to be a good nursing student, attend any and all functions that the little girls had and keep a group of 4 college girls taken care of in her house.  The neediest of the 4 was me.  I was the youngest and loved to be at her house and with her.  I remember when I walked into her house and saw all the pictures from preschool on the wall.  That house felt like home.  We spent many an hour together...at her house, at school and out on the town.  She taught me about mothering, loving and being open to all kinds of different people.  Oh, and we would dance any time we could.

She married a wonderful man and had two more little ones...and I went off to Colorado.  We kept in touch here and there...when life intersected with feelings, questions, and rare visits.  Whenever we talked or saw each other, it was as if time stood still.  We have both changed, aged, lived more but I when hear her voice and see her and my heart leaps for she is my "heart" friend.

I read her blog and heard that her youngest one...21...would be in Boulder for a few days.  Wow, could I get a moment with her to see my friend through her and get to know her?  Yes, it happened last Thursday.  We, the Queen and I, drove up to Boulder.  I think we were all a little nervous about the meeting...what would we do or say or worse yet...what if we don't like each other?  It has been atleast 5 years since we have visited and she is a beautiful young nursing student who is a musician.  We knocked on the door and she stepped out on the landing...I felt the immediate connection and hugged her.  She is her mother's daughter...the joy I felt to see her and hold her was evident.  I introduced her to my Queen...and they were both gracious letting me feel the joy of the connection...her daughter and my daughter.  Two beautiful ladies...girls, really...together for my eyes to see.   We made our plan, went to lunch and visited about the old days, about how much her mother meant to me then and does now,  and I got to look at her and see my friend.  The connection, for me, was more than I could have asked for.

I decided I wanted to see her again. She and her man can come and sit in my livingroom looking out to Pike's Peak.  They can talk with my husband, visit with my boys and the Queen.  If we are lucky, she will pick up the guitar and play us a tune...and I will watch her the whole time so I can feel close to her mother...and I will.

Looking forward to the evening,
Tawk to you later,

Friday, December 17, 2010

Finding the meaning...

  It is Saturday morning and I am supposed to be at the LGN (Look Good Naked) bootcamp...yeah, right.  I have made the adult decision to sit at my kitchen table, drink coffee, talk to my husband and write about my week.  Was I, as the Queen says, "intentionally authentic"?  Hmmm...let me start from the beginning of this weeklong conversation.

Monday was a good day, I went to the gym, worked, believe it or not, and came home and turned into the mother of two teenage boys.   It was finals week for the high schooler so I spent alot of time talking to him in a shrill voice about "trying to focus" and "you know the car will not be driven" and "blah, blah,bah".  The younger boy had a cold with a mean cough.  And, he begins every sentence with that cough to prove how ill he really is.  I pulled out the cough syrup and began to nurse him through the crud.  My husband boarded a plane for points unknown for part of the week.  The Queen was at college studying for calc 2... all the chicks and the rooster accounted for.  Finally, Monday was over and it was bedtime.  Thank God!

Tuesday came along and I had the plan of attack...Older son will pick up younger son from school because Mom has to work...in Colorado Springs...almost 2 hours away.  It all was going to come together when the younger son woke up and I felt too guilty to send him to school.  Really, he could have gone but his cough was in the category of "what kind of mother sends their kid to school with a cough like that?"  So..he stayed home while I felt terribly guilty working.  He in turn watched TV all day and was gracious when I called hourly to ask how he was.  "I'm" cough, cough, cough "fine, Mom" cough, cough.  Finished my work and got the call from the Queen.  "I'm finished" and "if you want to pick me up, I could be ready".  Let me think, I am in Colorado Springs, have a sick 14 year old at home, the house is a mess, the Queens room is not ready..."OK", I say, "let me call home and see how everyone is and I will be up in a few hours."  It is the Queen, and I am her royal mother.  So off I go to pick her up from her dorm...we load a year's worth of laundry, a computer, a box of stuff, and off we go. 

She begins to talk about her honors class...her teacher and what it means to live "intentionally authentic".  Wow, what a concept.  I tell her that is is "being who you are"....taking each moment and figuring out the meaning of moments as they happen and trying to appreciate the details.  As she is talking, I am driving and thinking.  Am I "who I am?"   Do I look at things through the eyes of a person who is "intentional" or do I just "get through things?"  For many years, I was a "get through things" person...but I feel like that is changing.

Wednesday came along and it was nuts...feeling the pressure and not really noticing anything..."gotta get things done" and then I can go to bed.  But, it was also a day that I got to do what I love.  I did the usual routine...exercise, mothering mixed with a trip to my favorite chiropractor for a crack of the neck, and then I cooked two hams...For a "community dinner" at our church.  We hosted a group of folks having trouble this season money wise.  But, we had Christmas trees for them too.  My neighbors brought 43 trees cut from their land to our  church grove to give out to folks who want one.  That was the meaningful part for me.  It was snowing, cold, and dark...a truck with lights focused on the grove with the trees and christmas music playing from the cab...people quietly picking out trees.  I felt a moment of gratitude for my life, my kids, my christmas tree...everything.   All in all, it was a crazy but meaningful day.

I had a wonderful Thursday.  The Queen and I had an afternoon with one of the sweetest people I have come to know.  It was a day of talking, learning, connecting and hearing lovely music.  It is a story for another day but it had so much meaning.  To see my Queen and my dear friends princess together was more than I could handle...crazy lucky...and authetic...and beyond meaningful.  Later I went to the band concert and watched my younger son play his trombone while stifling coughs...he still sounded bad but not in the "bad mother" category.

I could go on and on about seeing things intentionally...being authentic...but I have gone on enough.  I feel like I am so lucky.  My husband made it home from points unknown, got a few days of work in, spent time with the Queen, the older son made it through finals and is still using the car and a little Nyquil before bed makes the cough quiet.  Yep, these are sweet days and I am going to try to "be who I am"...and enjoy the good, not dwell on the bad and be "intentially authentic".

Happy Saturday...be careful out there.
We'll tawk soon,


Monday, December 13, 2010

Life is in the details...and I don't want to forget a thing

I was talking to a friend yesterday and I told her that I started a blog.  "That's a big undertaking"  and then she said "Why?"  Good question really.  Why blog...why think about things to write about during the day and evening and then sit and craft a few paragraphs?  I thought about this while I was going through my day and I think I came up with the answer.  I want to remember and have something to be remembered by.

As I noted in my earlier posts, the Queen left home this fall for college.  I hit me like a ton of bricks.  I guess I never thought that she would leave or that I would get old enough to have a college kid or maybe I just spent alot of years fooling myself.  Then I spent time thinking about her and all of the things we have done just her and I and as a family.  Did I teach her all the things about life I wanted her to know?  Did I enjoy my time with her or should I have let things go?  The answer to those questions are...I don't remember.  Yeah, I mean, I remember the things we did and the times together but...do I remember them enough for the rest of my days?  Can I remember those times enough to cherish them and tell my grandkids (If I have them)?  With my first child leaving the nest, I have a keen sense of time and the how quickly it goes by.  I now think about enjoying every moment with the Queen when she is around and my boys at home...and I want to remember the details.

Last year, when the Queen was a senior in high school, I still thought the day would never come.  She was pulling away and doing her best to be kind to a mother that couldn't really deal with reality.  I still went to every single activity that I could watch her do anything.  I didn't miss a thing.  When she ran XC, I was there.  When she led the band on the field, I would cry with joy and pride that she was mine.  Then she was gone.  Moved out to college.  I had about 30 minutes in the parking lot to say goodbye before she was starting her new life.   I am aware I don't get to look at her face every morning and every night and I really miss that.  I want to be truly aware of the time left with the boys and enjoy and remember them...the good, the bad and the ugly.

That's why I am going to blog...to remember my life.  The happy, sad, tragic and ridiculous things that happen on a day to day basis.  To count my blessings and curse the sadness.  To remember what it felt like at the time and put it to words.  That way it will be easier to remember the feelings.   Yes that is why I want to blog and I look forward to the memories.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Sunday in Conifer...Ritter style

Today is Sunday in Conifer, Colorado.  At our house, we go to church on Sunday.  Not exactly every Sunday but I would say that we do go most Sundays.  Today, is the 3rd Sunday of Advent and it was the Christmas program.  The kids in the congregation acted out the Christmas story.  It was a quick play in terms of these things and the kids were extra cute.  I sat with my husband and we glanced at each other during the play as if to say..."our kids were young once too."  My oldest son was the reader today as well so we really needed to be at church.  He did a great job reading and what he read got me thinking about our church, my faith and what it means to me to be a Christian person.

I am a Christian.  My family in Florida and New York say..."Oh, that Terry, she's very religious."  I always laugh at that statement.  But, honestly, I am a seeker for sure.  I was raised in NY in a catholic house.  I went to St. Eugene's in Yonkers until they hired a Jewish teacher when I was in 5th grade and my mother freaked.  I then went to PS 32, needed to "make" my confirmation as soon as possible and then only went to church on holidays.  But...I always felt something outside myself.  Not that I always followed what it lead me to, and as a matter of fact...I did not.  But I always knew there was someone or something with me.

I lived through my college days, graduated from nursing school and got a job.  I did not step foot in a church, utter a prayer and if asked I would even tell people that I didn't believe in God.  Yep...I did.  Anyway, after I got married and had the Queen...I heard that "something", that voice calling me back.  We answered that call on Christmas eve 1992 at the childrens service at Evergreen Lutheran church.  It was a crazy night with all kinds of kids and babies and families at this service welcoming the the birth of a savior.  To be honest, I don't remember a thing about what the Pastor said that night.  I'm sure he said all the things he has said year after year on Christmas eve.  But that night, all I heard was that spirit whispering, "Welcome home".

We still go to that church on Sunday.  My boys were baptized on Christmas eve there in 1994 and 1996.  The Queen and her brother affirmed their baptism (confirmation) on that same altar.  We have celebrated at that church and and grieved at that church asking God "why".  We go on Sundays, not because we are sure of things but because we are faithful.  For me, faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen...or for hope. 

To the last question on my mind...what does it mean for me to be or to live as a Christian person?  I think about that alot because being called a "christian" can be a negative thing.  I have even noticed that some "christians" don't seem very loving at all.  And really, isn't love the whole point?  If you are someone who thinks like Jesus or tries to...the message is love.  Love one another, love your neighbor, do unto others as I have done unto you...simple to interpret.  It may be simple to interpret but it is hard to do.  Ask my husband...is Terry loving all the time?  I bet, if he was honest, the answer would be no.  I admit, I am not.  But, I do try and some days are better than others.  I want my actions to be loving along with my words.   As St Francis of Assisi said, "Preach the gospel always, if necessary use words".   That's the kind of "Christian" I want to be.

I love you all, enjoy your Sunday.
We'll tawk soon,

Friday, December 10, 2010

Should I blog or not?

Hello all...that is the cheery way I start alot of emails...thought it would be a good way to start a blog.  As if a group as big as "all" will be reading this.  Anyway...it is Friday night and I finally got the courage and time to start my own blog.  Wow, kudos to me.  What exactly are kudos anyway?  Ok, see I am rambling and not going anywhere.  Maybe that is what this space is going to be for me.  Maybe but maybe not.  I will start with who I am or better yet, who I think I am.  I am 46, a little overweight...OK more than a little, with a husband and 3 teenagers.   One is at college and I call her the queen.  I had a terrible time letting her go but now I am getting into it.  The two left at home are teenage boys.  I must say though, that I am very lucky.  My husband has a good job and is a wonderful man.  He is probably the smartest person I know although he still drives me crazy.  I am sure that he is totally okay with my little habits and that they don't bother him at all.  That is just who he is...and if I do bug him...he would never be so rude as to say so.  He is a real catch and I wonder most days how he puts up with me...like I said, I am very lucky.

My husband and I met 23 years ago at a bar...I told my kids it was a "club"...you know what I mean when you are trying to make them perfect.  Anyway, we met and married after 9 months.  I was a traveling nurse from New York by way of Florida and he was a framer (construction guy) from western Colorado.  Yep, you guessed it...we are polar opposites.  They say opposites attract, right?  He is calm with a fuse that blows about once a year and I am constantly anxious and worried.  Makes for a great marriage...don't you think?  Actually it has made for a great marriage, not without the bumps but really a stable, kind of union that will last.  Like I said, I am really lucky.

I really was planning on telling you why I called the blog "Where ya from?"  Initially, I was going to call it some fabulous name about changing my "paradigm" and living fully but those were already used.  So I got to thinking about what people say to me and it is always...where ya from?...usually after I ask for a cup of "cawfee" or tell the kids to go get the "dawg".  You see, I am from New York and raised in Florida by a NYPD guy (God rest his soul) so I still have the accent.  Well, when you live in a tiny town in the mountains outside of Denver...I am not the norm.  I have lived here for 21 years but still people say..."Where ya from?" and I look at my family and then answer..."Oh I am from New York but I have lived in Colorado for over 20 years", to which they reply " you still have a little accent"...and I always say "yeah, I know"...and they say "I think it is cool".  My husband always laughs and I smile knowingly because really if you think about it...being cool at 46...is really cool!

As my love, Ms Moon says....la di da!
It's been good tawkin' to ya...we'll tawk soon!