I was talking to a friend yesterday and I told her that I started a blog. "That's a big undertaking" and then she said "Why?" Good question really. Why blog...why think about things to write about during the day and evening and then sit and craft a few paragraphs? I thought about this while I was going through my day and I think I came up with the answer. I want to remember and have something to be remembered by.
As I noted in my earlier posts, the Queen left home this fall for college. I hit me like a ton of bricks. I guess I never thought that she would leave or that I would get old enough to have a college kid or maybe I just spent alot of years fooling myself. Then I spent time thinking about her and all of the things we have done just her and I and as a family. Did I teach her all the things about life I wanted her to know? Did I enjoy my time with her or should I have let things go? The answer to those questions are...I don't remember. Yeah, I mean, I remember the things we did and the times together but...do I remember them enough for the rest of my days? Can I remember those times enough to cherish them and tell my grandkids (If I have them)? With my first child leaving the nest, I have a keen sense of time and the how quickly it goes by. I now think about enjoying every moment with the Queen when she is around and my boys at home...and I want to remember the details.
Last year, when the Queen was a senior in high school, I still thought the day would never come. She was pulling away and doing her best to be kind to a mother that couldn't really deal with reality. I still went to every single activity that I could watch her do anything. I didn't miss a thing. When she ran XC, I was there. When she led the band on the field, I would cry with joy and pride that she was mine. Then she was gone. Moved out to college. I had about 30 minutes in the parking lot to say goodbye before she was starting her new life. I am aware I don't get to look at her face every morning and every night and I really miss that. I want to be truly aware of the time left with the boys and enjoy and remember them...the good, the bad and the ugly.
That's why I am going to blog...to remember my life. The happy, sad, tragic and ridiculous things that happen on a day to day basis. To count my blessings and curse the sadness. To remember what it felt like at the time and put it to words. That way it will be easier to remember the feelings. Yes that is why I want to blog and I look forward to the memories.