The Irony of it all...

I was sitting in my chair at the oncologist yesterday getting my infusion when the nurse, a young nurse that I refer to as a "whipper snapper" asked me what kind of nursing I do.  I told her hospice and she immediately said, "wow, isn't that hard?"  I thought about what she said and replied, "all nursing jobs are hard, aren't they?" But then without looking at me, she said,  "all your patient's die."

Yes, little miss whipper snapper, damn near every one of my patient's that I have cared for on hospice has died.  A few don't die and get kicked off, but the lion's share of my work is with the dying.

I then said to her," don't you find it ironic that I am a hospice nurse, I have cancer and am probably going to die from that?"  She replied,  "well you look really good" and said no more.  Yeah thanks I thought, and honestly I am feeling good and hoping all this goodness lasts.  I made a deal with God when I was first diagnosed that I wanted to make it to my son's wedding so I can dance.  Well I made it and then attended 3 more weddings and danced to almost every song!  It was amazing and I was tired but so happy to be able to dance!

That brings me to why I am writing after such a long time.  I used to think about folks who had cancer and and said it changed their life for the better, and could not fathom that.  I can't say I am thrilled at having cancer and being in treatment, but honestly my life has changed for the better.   I can hear the groans as you read this but let me explain...

Almost 3 years ago, I spent my life "doing".  I always had a conversation going on in my head, some positive but more often negative.  I was thinking about how I was going to do the things I needed to do, how I was going to keep my house clean, how I was going to make the staff I was managing work harder because if they didn't do the visits, then I would have to and I could not bear for a patient to not get the care they need.  I spent time thinking of better ways to do things so I could have some down time and if I had down time, I felt like I was wasting all my time.   I was trying to be the winning rat in the race. 

Anyway, along came my sweet friend, cancer.  I didn't look at her like that then.  I was worried, devastated, and thought I was not gonna be around much longer.  I listened to people telling me to quit my job and retire, make my bucket list and get going doing the things on it.  I wanted to change everything about my life if I was gonna die and figure out what I really wanted.  When I was told that "they had gotten it all" in surgery, I recovered, went on my merry way and started the rat race again.  I mean, yeah I decreased my work hours to 32 a week but honestly I worked over 40 just to get things done.

When I had my second scan, I was told my cancer had spread and  I was stage 4.  We all know stage 4 is a big scary deal and so I sat on the couch again quiet unless I was crying for a week trying to figure out what to do.  Now I am going to die, I thought and started making a bucket list for real.  Funny thing about my bucket list...it's became pretty simple after I really thought about it.

The doctor started me on a second immunotherapy med and that knocked me for a loop.  I had the honor of mouth sores, diarrhea, crazy fatigue and my joints were killing me.  Through it all, I kept working and trying to figure out how to live.  My kids moved back to Denver area and while they say it was not because I was dying...yeah, OK!

That was my second summer with my friend, cancer.  We tweaked some things and my fatigue got better.  I finally figured out how to eat food with all the sores in my mouth and I just lived with the other side effects.  I continued to work and decided that it was time for a change there.  Before last summer I quit my job and went back into the field to care directly for patients.  I could shut my phone off at the end of the day and all weekend and know that my folks are being taken care of.  I was in the car more, so I started listening to podcasts about quieting your mind and stopping the non-stop chatter so you can think clearly when you have to.

I have to  honestly say that I probably would not have learned and done any of this work on myself if I hadn't come up against a cancer diagnosis.  I would have meant to but didn't stop because I had "some day".  I now have some room in my brain to look at things a little different and I spend so much more time in gratitude.  Being thankful for the little things along with the big things.  Realizing how much my kids and Jim mean to me and how I try to spend time with them if they will  have me.  I've let go of some of the wishing on things that worry me in the future because I know at this point in time, this is all I have.  Since I have left my job and started my new one, I have taken time off for my son's wedding and taken a quick trip to Mexico with Jim...sun, sea of Cortez and quiet time together, that Jim and I had been planning for "some day soon".

So am I glad I have cancer...I have to say no but I am sure glad to have found a more peaceful life more of the time, and I make sure I tell folks that I love them and when they will let me, kiss them on the cheek.

When I looked up irony, the definition is perfect.  A state of affairs or an event that seems deliberately contrary to what one expects.  I never expected to get cancer and I never expected to think of it as something that is helping me enjoy my time on earth more.

So here's to life in all its fullness.  Don't think too far in the future and just live now...I mean it is all we have and might as well make the best of it!!!

Love you all,

Talk soon,

Terry