Please excuse me for this post...

I woke up this morning on the verge of tears.  I lie in bed with a feeling of dread, sadness and wondering what to do.  I remember that feeling and still have them, but nothing like today.  Today, the feeling was almost heart stopping.

Last week was one for the books, work wise.  I lost two patients in a  span of 18 hours and and kept on going.  I had a dear friend staying with us, dropped the Queen off at the airport for the summer, did a 19th birthday for my son, and got through Mother's day.

It all sounds so wonderful, except for the work stuff, doesn't it?  Even the work stuff could not have gone better.  The patients were so peaceful and surrounded by the families...not exactly like in the movies but darn close.

I am wondering what my problem is then...Could it be that every bone in my body aches and some are worse than others?  I am sure that all this sadness, this emotional stuff takes a toll on me...or maybe it's the sugar, wine and pasta that I eat non-stop to get through this stuff.  Can you say "Gluten intolerant"?  My heel on my left foot is killing me, my lower back on my right side is too...enough that when I get up to go to the bathroom at night, I can't step on my heel and my back is aching.  Lovely...

My husband wants me to go to the doctor and I would, but I am sure they are going to find something and I will be my own patient...at least in my mind, that is how it is going to go for me.  While I think that is okay, I think about my 16 year old and how he doesn't need to go through that and if I wait until he is headed to college to go to the doctor, he will be spared the heart ache.  Sounds crazy, huh?  Welcome to my world on some days...

Here's a great example...my youngest has AP tests this week and has been studying.  No, not really, but he is prepared to study.  I mean, the test is tomorrow, so why start any earlier than the night before?  Anyway, he was looking for his book and practice tests this morning and was convinced that when the company was coming, I put them somewhere.  I am sure I did, but for the life of me, I couldn't remember where.  As he asked me, I began to cry...and he began to feel bad and Jim began to raise his voice because I was crying.  Does any of this make sense?  If I wasn't so out of sorts, it would be hilarious but it wasn't so funny this morning. 

But now, the house is quiet except for the music I have on.  I am finishing my last cup of coffee and will get ready for work.  Today is meetings and patients and sitting in the car.  My 19 year old is in bed and probably will be until I come home at 3 pm...he is still on college time.   In 11 days, I will send him off to camp to be a counselor for the summer.  God help those kids that have him watching over them!  Then, it's down to us again...me, Jim and my youngest...

I tend to let my heart get really hard after a run of sadness like this so I can not feel a thing...avoid these black "wake ups".  No emotion, no pain and definitely no love. When I finally got up and sat at the kitchen table,I began to think about how the black was taking over.   Quietly, Jim asked me how I was today.  I looked over at him with tears in my eyes and said "I'm fine".  He came over to hug me and I shoved him away...I have to keep that part of my heart shut down and avoid these feelings or my heart may break in half.

So I guess I need to wrap up this complaining session, change my thinking and look at the bright side.  I can and will but it may take more time today than usual.  That's okay, I mean, for today...I have time and pasta and after 5...plenty of wine.  Sounds like a good plan, huh?

 

We'll tawk tomorrow,
I love you all,
Terry

What if?

What if you were sure you weren't going to see your kid walk across the stage at graduation?
What if you knew that this would be the last snow you see?
What if you were feeling your wife's or husband lips brush against your cheek for the last time?


I have the honor of taking care of two folks that are in the last days..and they have amazing families and want for nothing...except time.

What a concept to think about.  What if we wanted for nothing except time?  Not a new car, a bigger house or some fancy jewelry...not to be thinner, prettier or smarter.  Just time...time to spend with the person you married, time to stare at your kids, and decide who they take after, time to watch the mannerisms that match yours and the ones that match your mates...time to really listen to the ones you love and imprint it in your brain.

Life really comes down to time, doesn't it?  It comes down to how we spend our time, how we spent our time and what else we want to do with our time. 

It seems to me, when someone is dying, families gather together and are with the person.  I often come to a house to see them and the patient is in bed and so is the spouse, the kids and the pets.  I always think about how they are trying to get every precious second out of the time that is left.  I also see the comfort of the person, the proud feelings when they have the family around.  I bet they are trying to get every second they can with them too.

There isn't much time here on earth for my patients.  They have bodies that are not cooperating and they are exhausted...almost ready to leave.  They are running out of time quickly and the families can feel it.  They gather and talk about the old days, the meetings, the marriages, the births, the vacations and what having this life together means to them.  They are cherishing the time and making sure there is nothing left unsaid.

For you and me, although it isn't guaranteed...we have time.  We have time to say the things that stop the argument, to offer the apology and to stop the behavior that causes pain.  We have time to do things that make us laugh so hard our bellies ache and then time to imprint that memory for all eternity.  We have time. 

And yes, I am one of the people who complained about having no time for me and being mad because I didn't get things done, blah, blah, blah.  I am humbled.  I watch with patience as the family wants to care for their loved one...when I could have them cared for  in 5 minutes.  That is not the point now, is it?  The point is, that with this little bit of time left, they want to be doing the care, with love...to wash the face, apply chapstick on dry lips or lift the cup of cold water for the dry throat...to perform tender acts of love for the person leaving.  That's when the lump that lingers in my throat gets too big to breath...

So tonight, as I watch the snow come down in May, I count my blessings...I have time to make memories, cherish moments and do what makes me feel like I have a purpose.  So when I ask what if...it is to keep me humbled, to make me close my mouth at times before I say things I shouldn't and mostly to be aware that bad things can happen to anyone at anytime and am I using my time wisely?  I sure hope so...

We'll tawk tomorrow,
I love you all,
Terry

Snow, blinds and Peace...

Today, when I woke up, there was 6 inches of snow on the ground. I could say that I really didn't care but of course, I did.  I wandered around thinking about going back to bed and taking another run at it tomorrow.  But then, I remembered that my niece was visiting from Florida and snow is a big deal.  

I found her sitting in the living room looking out the window with child like wonder...and I had to smile.  This kid is 26 and was excited to experience the snow.  Before we left for the airport, she went outside to touch it and to  feel how cold it is.

It made me think a lot about how we look at things...about how I look at things.  The snow is a bummer for me because I am so ready for spring and planting my flowers and opening my windows to smell the fresh air.  I look at spring snow, especially this late, as a burden, a problem and something that I need to get through.  Needless to say, I don't look at it positively.

It's interesting to change how we look at things.  I think about when I walk into a dying person's home and want to help them think about leaving as a release from pain, suffering and that they now have control of how they leave us.  Believe it or not, I try to make it as positive as I can.  But, put a little spring snow in my path and I can't get past it...

We drove to the airport in the snow and I watched my niece as she video taped the falling snow, noticing the big snow flakes, the hills covered in white and how it changed the drive.  She spent the ride marveling about the snow.  I gripped the wheel and felt like the winter was never going to end.

Then I came home.  Jim had a rack of pork ribs ready to go into the oven, Howie was doing his homework and the blinds in my office were being hung.  I started to feel a sweet feeling of peace...

We  had dinner and I did some laundry, played banangrams with my husband with a cocktail and moved to my office.  The cat was sound asleep on the clean laundry and pandora had my favorite station playing...

I must say, life does not get better than this..spring snow or not.

You see, I spent the week with my niece and her "boyfriend" learning about her life, her dreams and hanging with her sweetie, making her feel at home and remembering the days when she was a kid.  I got to explore places that I haven't taken the time to right in my back yard (Golden and Evergreen), drank plenty of good wine, ate great meals, and played some mean basketball.  We even got to hang out on Pearl Street in Boulder on a Saturday night with the college kids...

So a little snow...yeah, I want it to go away but hey, I got my blinds up in my office and a cat on the bed and my heart is full of sweet peace.  

That, my friends, is what makes life worth living...at least for me!

We'll tawk tomorrow,

I love you all,

Terry

On my knees...

I walked into the house and remembered them from when our kids were little and we met at the elementary school.  They look exactly the same except he is thinner, bald and kind of pale.  The anguish of the situation showed on her face but other than that, she was a cool as a cucumber through the introduction except for the tear that escaped every few seconds.

"Hi, I am so glad to see you" I say "and I'm not."  "I wish we would have gotten together for different circumstances, like to drink wine" and we both laughed an uncomfortable laugh and looked away. 

I turned to him and asked, "Do you feel like telling me your story of how you got here?"  "Sure" he replied,  with as much cheerfulness that he could work up.  He began to talk about his life before cancer and during cancer and now when the treatment has begun to do more harm than good.

I watched the couple as he talked and saw the connection they have...watched as she gently wiped her tears.  She didn't take her hands off of him through the whole visit.  I glanced up at the pictures on the mantle, and lingered on the one when they were in their twenties and then looked at her.  She winked and said, " Yeah, wasn't he gorgeous?" and I nodded.  They loved each other and it was very clear that they weren't done being together.   This one, I thought about myself for a second, is gonna be really hard. 

I was sitting on the couch for the beginning and as I listened, I realized that I needed to be on the floor on my knees.  I felt it, I knew it and I did it.  I felt the usual feelings that I feel as I listen to someone who has a short time on this earth and felt honored and special and sad.  I could feel my heart aching so much to make this better, be it symptom control or a trip to the liquor store to get their favorite wine...I needed to do something.

The professional side of me remained professional..."I am here to help you have the "best" time with your family that you can have...blah, blah, blah"...but I could feel my heart pounding and my soul wishing things were different.  In my professional mode, I took vital signs and did my assessment and did my spiel hoping I seemed together, but knew my heart was showing and aching and everyone in the room could see it.  I hurt for her, but I also was in awe of her strength, her love for her husband and her fierce protectiveness.

All of a sudden, I felt like it was time to leave...I had stayed long enough and needed to be gone.  It was family time and I was not family...as a matter of fact, if I am honest, no one wants the hospice nurse to knock on the door.  I talked about the plan for symptom control and and the schedule and excused myself. 

I got in my car, stepped on the brake and pressed the button and tried to breathe.  The social worker that was with me tapped on the window and I put it down..."you are so good" she said and I said, "no, I am not."  I was thinking I am not good at all.  I  was wishing things were different and I was wishing life isn't so hard and I was wishing that things like this didn't happen.  I was not buying into this...but I am.

The professional side of me knows what I  need to do and I will do it.  The human side of me will cry when I need to and spend as much time with the family that is helpful and maybe will bring a small amount of comfort in this terrible time.

Mostly, I will be cheerleader as the family works their way through the most difficult time of their lives.  I will tell them how proud of them I am, how they have such a special family and how it is gonna hurt more than they can imagine when they are done.  But...in time, they will be proud of themselves too, know they did the right thing and know that their husband and father felt loved until the moment he left this earth...something we all want but not all of us get.

And, as I always realize as I get on my knees on that first visit...it an honor and a privelage and  I pray that I do a good job because in this situation...we don't get do overs.

We'll tawk tomorrow,
I love you all,
Terry

No spring here...

Just in case you were wondering...It's snowing!  Baseball games were cancelled and it's cold and gray. I am trying to just keep putting one foot in front of the other...but it's getting difficult!  I think I'm gonna go to bed and hope for some sun in the morning.

We'll tawk tomorrow,
I love you all,
Terry

But we need the moisture...

If I am totally honest, and most of the time I am (to a fault I am told)...I hate snow in April.  If I am really honest, I am not the snow lover that I used to be.  When my kids were little and I bundled them up and watched them play in the snow, make snowmen and snow caves...I thought it was kinda fun.  I mean, when we went to Meyer's Ranch and hooked a bunch of tubes together and flew down the hill...that was fun too.  Even back then, by mid-April, Jim was hiding the kitchen knives. 

Last Sunday, when I flew into Denver from Florida, the sky was blue and it was cold but sunny.  We have not really seen the sun since..this gray sky, snow day after day when it is supposed to be spring and in the 60's just about kills me.  I can hardly handle it. 

I know that there are much worse things in life than snow in April.  We saw it the other day at the marathon with the bombs...yes, of course.  And, in case you forgot, I help people die with grace and dignity...so I get it.

Some people, me being one of them, happen to have a sad side to life that I keep tucked neatly away for most of my days.  I get up most mornings and do okay, get my coffee, work through the aches and pains, change the soaked shirt from the hot flashes of perimenopause during my sleep and think..."What am I gonna do today?" with a general feeling of positivity or at least 50 % positivity.  Now those feelings change to more than 50 % when I am on the thin side, Jim and I are getting along, and my kids are okay.  Then...there is the color of the sky factor.

I need to see the sun.  The Colorado Bureau of Tourism says we have about 350 days of sunshine every year.  They are a bunch of lying liars!  At least that is the way I feel right now. 

Then there is the moisture/wild fire factor that happens in the spring.  As soon as we don't get big snows in January, the alarm goes off in the news about our "snowpack".  Our snowpack was pitiful this year and we were being told to plan on wild fires.  Our neighborhood, my husband included, is doing a plan to clear cut the trees on a bunch of acres to save our houses when the fires come.  That's the hope anyway. 

January wasn't too good, February was also pretty dry and March was too.  The water restrictions came out in Denver and the talk continued about how "dry" Colorado is.   Whenever I would talk to someone about bad weather...the canned response was "You better not complain, we need the moisture."  I have to say, I even bought into it these last few months...when I got on the airplane last Tuesday and watched them de-ice the plane, I thought "Great, we get a bunch of snow while I'm in Florida and I can come home to spring."  Yeah, right.

The "water people" say..."Welcome to spring in Colorado, wait 5 minutes and the weather will change...ha, ha, he, he."  Well, it's been 5 minutes, and actually, it's been 3 days of almost continuous flakes of some sort falling out of the sky and as you can tell, I am not laughing. 

Even the "water people" seem to be getting a little testy...Facebook is covered with pictures of decks and lawn furniture covered with snow and snarky sayings about the seasons here in good old Colorado.  Now, the New Yorker in me says to the Coloradoan in me, "Why don't you move?" but I guess I would rather just complain, huh?

An example of what too much snow does to my family...

Jim comes up to my office and asks me how I am and I say "fine" looking out the window   "but I think I'm just gonna drink" and he laughs and walks away like it's the natural conversation of a crazy woman.

Shortly after that Howie comes up with a glass cruet for salad dressing filled with smoke to show me..."What is that?" I ask, to which he responds , "Smoke."  "Oh, do you have some pot?" I ask.  He laughs and tells me he is doing a chemistry experiment, and the smoke is from a candle.  "You gonna start smoking pot, Mom?" he says, to which I say..."If it doesn't stop snowing..."  He walks away with the same walk that Jim had...I could see him shaking his head and I am sure thinking, "this woman is crazy." 

But you know what, I am crazy and getting crazier by the gray, snowy day in Spring.

The weather folks are saying we may be coming out of this "pattern" for a few days before the next spring storm hits.  I did not sign up to live in Antarctica but it sure feels like it and what's this about the "next spring storm?" 

I am going to pour myself a glass of wine and make dinner.  When it gets dark, I am going to bed with the hope the sun peaks out tomorrow even if its for a few minutes...

We'll tawk tomorrow,
I love you all,
Terry

What is going on?

I arrived back from visiting my sister in Florida yesterday where the temperature was 80 degrees and sunny.  I noticed as I was getting off the plane that I started to feel ill...tight chest and a funny cough.  Great, I thought.  The weather in Denver was sunny and cool but so glorious. 

I talked to my boys, Jim and Howie and then went to lay down.  I awoke in the afternoon with a soaked t-shirt and generalized body aches.  Lovely...it's here.  I am sick...and there is no getting around it. 

This morning, I got up, and looked outside.  It was gray and snowy and the news says we are going to have snow until Wednesday.  I had my coffee, showered and saw my patients...bolstered on cold medication.  I made it until 1 pm and came home, climbed into bed and planned on calling it a day. 

I woke up and turned the TV on.  All I could see was the bombing in Boston at the marathon...two people dead and scores of folks injured.  Why?  Is this a terrorist attack?  Is this just a crazy person who didn't get into the race and figured he would get them back?  Why would anyone want to hurt another human being just to do it? 

As I write this, a special report "Terror at the Boston Marathon" is playing on the TV.  Now we watch this and wonder.  One of the good things I can say is at least Diane Sawyer is sober as she is reporting.

What is the world coming to?  How does one continue to look at the bright side when we have people that continue to do these kinds of things?  I guess the question is more rhetorical than something that anyone can answer.  But...there has to be something.  Is it as simple as reaching out and being positive, helping someone in need, focusing on the good?  Once again, I do not know...

I am looking out my window at the falling snow...8 inches at this point and still coming down. I am counting my blessings while praying for comforting angels for the families of the dead and injured.  I am thinking about how it could be any one of us at any big event that we attend... No, the world is not safe and it probably never has been...

So we go on.  We watch the TV and hope for the best, and we tell ourselves not to be afraid.  What else can we do?  If anyone has any answers...let me know because I am all ears.

We'll tawk tomorrow,
I love you all,
Terry