When the rubber meets the road...

 Hello dear friends, 

It has been quite a while since I sat down to write anything in this blog. I feel as though now is the time to catch up with you all and let you know what is going on.  I also give you a chance to think about your life after COVID and what friends and time mean to you.  In the last years, I am not sure of who I became.  I worked crazily through COVID, trying to be the hero for anyone who would listen and let anyone who listened know how busy I was.  What I have learned is that I did not make enough time for what I deem most important to me.

"What the hell is she talking about here" I bet you are thinking. "When does she get to the hospice stuff or the family stuff that we used to read and laugh about?"  Well, I am not getting to those things in this blog today.  I am going to give you some good advice about how life changes on a dime and when you have time to think about it, you are stunned how far you have come from what you really need and want.  At least that is my story today.

On June 13th, I turned 57 and told myself I was getting really old.  We were going camping and I twisted my knee loading firewood and the campout was scratched.  To be honest, I was in this weird mood because I wasn't quite right.  Not sure what was wrong but didn't feel quite right.  Having said that, if I was really honest, I hadn't been quite right for a while and thought I was just working so hard and not getting any down time.

Long story short, on 6/22 I became a person headed into the OR to remove a Kidney full of cancer and someone who will live with one l kidney.  From diagnosis to surgery was 6 days and before I knew it, I woke up in the hospital, humbled to be the patient with an uncertain future.  I became the person that I take care of and coach back to health and living life.

Holy Shit!!!!  While you contemplate the uncertain future, your priorities and what you really value appear crystal clear.  The husband that you are married to for 32 years all of a sudden becomes someone that you never want to leave, want to hold his hand, and just sit quietly with. You want to take back all the things that you said that were not so nice, but you can't so you promise that with your time left, you will be kind and loving.  You lay in bed and wonder if you told your kids you loved them enough and that you are so honored to be their mother....and if you did, is it enough to keep them remembering me through the rest of their life if this is it?  Oh and remember those friends that you love so much but didn't make time to see because you were so busy? All you want to do is talk with them and let them know that you miss them...

Before my surgery, those feelings washed over me...who do I need to make peace with?  Who do I need to tell that I love them and will it sound hollow now that there is probably a time line?  Where was I when life was boring and I didn't make time to send a text to check in?

My next thoughts turned to my faith, my relationship with my God...I can tell you that even went by the wayside because I was too busy.  I certaintly called on him when the results came back and I was terrified but how about the times when things were good and I didn't even think to send a Thank you up to the sky.  

Why am I writing a blog about this?  I need to remember this time in case this is it or hopefully, I look back in a year or two and do a check in on who I am and who I said I want to be.  

As you can imagine, I am not working at this time...I am recovering.  I am reading, napping, doing a lot of nothing but also I am thinking.  I am thinking about the second chance that I have been given to slow down, to live in the moment and to choose the positive.  I am thinking about my priorities and what I want them to be in the last years of my life.  I am doing the big inventory of what matters to me.  Am I the person I wished I was?  Not really... some parts are and some are still not quite there yet.  Am I willing to make the big changes in life to be that person?  I would  say that I am willing to now, but really, I needed to be hit on the side of the head by a 2 x 4 to really think about it?  Really is that is what it took?  Sadly I am saying yes.

So here is your pro-tip for today and the days to come.  Do a check on who you want to be, think you are and who you are.  If you say that you want to be there for the people you love, are you?  Do you make time to see the folks you say are your dear friends to just connect?  If not, why? How do you fix that so you are the person you want to be and your behavior shows you are?  

Along with the thinking for me is the physical recovery, and honestly, as Doris Joy used to say, "I'm no spring chicken anymore" so it is gonna take some time.  I will have to learn to quiet my mind and listen to doctors on what the next steps are.  I will do that and I will also make sure that I live in the now and not in the scary future.  That's gonna take some work but I know I can do it.  

As I look around, I have no shortage of amazing times and people in my life.  I have family, friends, church, work and all the things I could ever need.  Now, I just need to rest into those things and hope for the best.  Oh and if you wanna have lunch or dinner and add a nice glass of wine...let me know and we can plan it.  I am going to learn to say yes to things that feed my soul and no to the things that don't!

I love you all. 

Terry