Dates with Doctors...

Good hazy morning from the top of the mountain!  I want to thank all of you for the good wishes!  I am feeling really good, better than I have in the last year and know some of it is the positive vibes and prayers that were lifted up for me!

On Monday, I ventured to yet another doctor.  I am the proud owner of an Oncologist...never thought, or I guess I should say, never wanted my own cancer specialist.  But hey, life is like that isn't it?  You ask for many things that you don't get and many times you get things you don't ask for!

As my kids and Jim know, I hate going to doctors.  I was raised in a home that we didn't go to doctors for years and years unless we were unable to function due to an illness.  My mother used to say, "Don't go lookin' for trouble" and I lived by that mantra for many years.  Lemme tell you that in this instance, the mantra did not serve me so well.  I mean, yes, I went for my mammograms begrudgingly, my well woman stuff but when I had things I could take care of, I would work my magic and take care of them.  

This time is different as we know and Monday I began to panic about what my new friend, the oncologist was going to say.  I wondered if my other doctors had not told me the whole story and there was more news to digest.  I walked to the end of the road and used my best calming techniques of late to put this anxiety somewhere and it helped.

Jim and I arrived at the office and we waited until the gal at the check in could take my insurance card and co-pay, and then sat down.  I looked around and saw the patients that had similar diagnosis that I cared for and have tried to serve so well.  There were older folks that looked frail and seemed to be confused with all the paperwork, there were folks that were rolled in with a wheelchair that could not walk long distances, and then like a rush of energy, came this younger gal with a bald head and beautiful dress woosh by me in a hurry to get somewhere.  I thought, "yeah, I am in the cancer club too."

As we were waiting to be called, I stared at my hands and thought of all the patients I cared for that probably sat in the same seat as me thinking about the future of their life.  I tried to push those thoughts away but I couldn't.  I mean, I have to think of all sides of this right now and find where I can find some peace. Then I looked at Jim and thought how he was such a good man and now he we have this journey to go through together.  I always thought about him as the long suffering husband with me as his wife, just with regular life.

Finally they called me.  "Teresa come this way" and I walked to the scale, got my vital signs checked and we took a seat in the exam room.  I could tell the anxiety was beginning to take my breath away as I tried not to think of worse case scenario.  Once again I went down the road in my head to all my patients and thought of how they started in a visit like this.  I thought of all of the ones that were so strong and loving and fought the fight and then called it when it was no longer the way they wanted it to go.  I thought of the ones that fought the fight until the last breath as well. I looked at the signs in the office of the drug trials and medication for metastasis. Then as I was going to worst case for me, my oncologist walked in and introduced himself.  It was surreal and I began to count my breaths as he was silently reading my records. Then he took a big breath and began telling me about what he thought about this cancer.

He was data driven at the beginning...odds of this and survival rates of that.  I appreciated the info although it did make it so real again in so many ways.  Then he got specific with my lovely brand of cancer, and gave me some info about how things can go and I had to choose.  After listening, he talked about clinical trials for prevention and said there were none available for me right now.  I told him I knew he liked trials and without missing a beat, he said, "that is how we are going to cure cancer." Then we made a plan for me.  He said he and I would see each other every 3 months for a few years to watch me.    A quarterly date with the CT scanner and oncologist...."great I thought, something I never thought I would have to do, but okay".  He noted that I am cured right now and we want to keep it that way and monitor me closely right now.  I agree and feel as though this is the best case scenario for me.  Then I asked all the questions about diet and exercise and life and he said....."Don't think like a nurse with scenarios, just listen to your body and if something is off, call me, send me an email and we will discuss how to deal with it".  "Go live your life and I will see you in three months", and stood up and walked out.

Jim and I sat there for a few seconds and stood up and walked out.  I saw an old friend on the bench outside who was waiting for her husband to have his chemo.  She and I cried as we wondered how life has brought us to this place.  Not in an angry way and not in a "why me" way but just how the twists and turns of life are complicated and you cannot predict when it is your turn for stuff like this.

I am in a funny place...trying to figure out how to move past the worry of what could be, put it somewhere and honor it as I go on to do the things I want to do and live my life.  

So for today, all I know is that I can walk 3 miles to the mailbox, nap like a bear in hibernation, kiss my husband whenever I need to (which used to be not on my to do list very much after 32 years) and do things slowly if I want.  The only thing I know that is not changing is right this minute and the few minutes behind it. 

Otherwise this life, my life is going to unfold how it does even if I plan it all out to be a different way.  And yes, we all know that is true whether you have an illness or not, but having an illness that affords you a date with an oncologist and quarterly CT scans makes it even clearer even if you are cured......

We'll talk tomorrow,

I love you all,

Terry