Saturday, December 31, 2011

Been married almost half my life...

We made it through another year along with another year of staying married.  Sometimes I wonder how. 

As I have said in earlier blogs, the first year of wedded bliss was anything but.  We fought, or shall I say, I fought...for attention, for things and for power.  Then we settled for a number of years and lived.  We raised toddlers, held babies, and dealt with school agers.  He traveled, worked, fixed things around the house and did what I asked of him.  The house has been a mess for alot of years while I pursued my passions...kids, jobs, house and marriage...sadly in that order.  My husband has never stopped me from doing what I wanted to do.  When the kids were 8,6 and 4, I decided that I should move for the summer to church camp and work as the nurse...bring the kids and go for 12 weeks.  "You really want to do that?"..."What do I do?" he asked.  "You can stay home and take care of the dogs and try to sell the house...you can come and see us on weekends" I replied.  "If you really want to, that's okay with me" he said quietly.  It actually was okay and a great thing for the family and when he turned 40 that summer, one of the counselors took the kids for the night and we celebrated his birthday.  The second time in our marriage that he and I were alone for a night since we had kids.  When the kids got a little older, he would ask "You wanna go out on a date?" and I would say no..."I'm too tired, the kids are doing something, I'm on a diet, etc" and he would just say okay.  I wonder how that feels to be turned down every week when you want to spend time together.  Probably not too great.

As they say..."The chickens have come to roost".  I have three teenagers and they have their own lives.  They make plans on the weekends and evenings and while they are home alot...they are also gone doing their thing.  So is Jim.  He turned 50 and his priorities have shifted a bit.  Not in a "mid-life, buy a motor cycle, get a younger chick " way at all.  I mean, he did buy that giant F350 but he will tell you that was for the family...to pull the marching band instruments to the competitions, go camping with the family, etc..and he has been true to his word although he knows he looks good in that thing!  But, he is pursuing some of his passions.  This week, he traveled down to Juarez...yes, I know, the most dangerous city in the world...to build a house for a family living in a box.  He gladly shows up with the boys and I when we go to the Rescue mission and gets the coveted spot where he hands out the trays to the "guests."  He loves that job because he can talk to every single guy that comes through for a little dinner. 

He called me from Las Vegas, NM on his way home last night.  He was brimming with excitement from his week of service.  I was listening quietly when he asked "How are you?"  I stopped a minute and said, through a cracked voice..."I'm lonely...the Queen is on a road trip and the boys are house sitting"...to which he replied, "I'll be home soon."  Then I said, "Tommorrow is our anniversary" and he started to talk about how we have been married 23 years and how did the time go so fast and what a lucky bunch our family is.

Every year at this time, I think about getting this new year right.  This year, I am going to be a better wife...a better partner.  I am going to be more supportive and have more patience and kindness...give more compliments and be more tolerant. This year is no different but it is.  Come August 2012, two out of three of my excuses will have left the roost.  Another year of shifts and changes...exciting but difficult at the same time.

When Jim reads this...if he does, he will say I have it all wrong.  That he couldn't have made this life without me, that I am the one who keeps things going and that he is the difficult one to live with, that he is lucky to have me and it's all the other way around.  But that isn't true...his patience, kindness and willingness to hang in there for the morsels of attention when I was too busy to notice has made me realize what a gift he is to me.  It's taken me a while to understand...but I do.

So here's to another year...of life and marriage.  Here's to another year of watching the family thrive, being kind and tolerant, tending to our servant hearts together and to enjoying being together...the family time and the couple time...whatever that is.

Jim, I love you and haven't made that clear at times...but I hope you know I do and always have.

Happy 23rd anniversary...who would have thought you and I would have made it this far? 

We'll tawk tommorrow,
I love you all,

Friday, December 30, 2011

Boys just wanna have fun...

I wonder what my sons are doing after school...
Now I know.

       Not having a care in the world...and enjoying being young!

We'll tawk tommorrow,
I love you all,

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Kids these days...

This night, December 27th, 2011, I declare that the world is and will be a better place than ever before.  I know it is hard to believe but I am telling you right now...this is the truth.  The fate of our world...not just our country... lies in the hands of the group in my living room, who all brought gag gifts for a "White Elephant Christmas" party.  No kidding...

The door bell rang and one by one, they walked into the kitchen and loved on one another.  They have been connected since kindergarten...and what feels like to me, the beginning of time.  It goes without saying that they are beautiful and handsome...in the regular ways...straight teeth, great hair, beautiful faces...the whole package...but what really strikes me tonight is the unconventional ways that they are beautiful and handsome.  And to be honest, it seems like they just don't care too much what people think.

There are tatoo's, and tons of piercings...noses, ears and other things that I didn't even ask because it doesn't matter.  This body art makes them different and daring and who they are and who they are becoming.

They left for college and came back with ideas.  Ideas on what the answer is to the hurt in the world.  They are learning spanish, arabic, how to teach, how to engineer, how to protect our country, what is helpful for the environment and how to share what they believe God is in the world.  They are all so different and came from different backgrounds.  And despite the difference in their beliefs...they love each other and would lay down their life for each other.

I know that you can read this and think that they have no idea what it is to be an adult.  They haven't lived life.  But they have, at least some of the cruelness of what life can deal a person.   They lost dear friends in car accidents, have watched parents fight cancer,  and have watched fairy tales end upbruptly because of war.  They know that life is cruel and if there is anything they can do to make it less so...they are going to do it.

I walk down to pop pizza in the oven and see the seating arrangements.  They are so pleased to be together.  There are loud bursts of laughter when a gift is opened and then a loud discussion.  They sit close and seem to all be touching at some point...not in a "holding" way but they are just comfortable with the feeling of each other and being close.  They have been that way for many years before they left to find greener pastures. 

Last year at this time, they were here and I am so glad that they are here again.  I feel like I am watching history...the goodness in the world and the future of this world.  They love freely and deeply, they give of themselves and ask for nothing in return.

I know this sounds like every parent with a college student that is "going to make the world a better place" but with this group, I really believe it.  They are special and I know that if I keep my eyes open, there are millions of teenagers like the ones in my house tonight.  This group loves humanity, despite the differences and the similarities.  These guys get what things in life that matter...to love one another and we will have peace.  I'm gonna hang with them!

We'll tawk tommorrow,
I love you all,

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Feelin' Cagey...

I woke up this morning feeling out of sorts...the old "I don't want to get out of bed" feeling.  I had that many mornings last year but not too many this year.  I think its the juggling act that I have been maintaing for a week or so now.  I am being mom, trying to keep the house in some kind of order, consulting on business number 2,  and have some patients that I wish I didn't have to care for.  This week feels like treadmill where I need to get off but can't. 

I am watching a lovely woman fade away before my eyes.  It's happened before and I can handle it but some people immediately go straight to my heart and stay there until they are gone.  This is one of them.  She also has none of the rationalization points for me to survive this job.  So I go to see her daily and wish she was stabilizing for a while but I don't think we are getting this luxury.  Her cancer is winning and as much as I believe she is going to a better place, her family and I would like her here for a bit longer...Makes me sad.

So to start the day, I am out of sorts.  I was thinking about going to kick boxing but I still have that bum achilles and the only thing I can do is spin...No spinning today.  That's fine really because I can wallow a little longer and then get going. 

The kids are good.  The boys...plus my husband went down to the Rescue Mission on Monday night and served dinner.  It was cold out and the place was packed with dudes that had every possession they owned tied on their back.  One of the guys told me I was beautiful...I was flattered.  I take that when I can get it.

I better get going.  The day waits before me and I don't have any more time to wallow.  There are dressings to change, meds to increase, toe nails to cut and heart to hearts to have...that's what I do and some days it takes all I have to muster up the energy.  I guess today is one of them.

Tonight, instead of juice, I may spend some time talking to my friend, pink wine, while I record the day in my computer...or maybe not. 

We'll tawk tonight,
I love you all,

Friday, December 16, 2011

Dude...where's my car?

The Queen is home.  She arrived home on Wednesday but not before losing the car.  She called me as she was walking to the car that was parked in "free" parking somewhere in her college town.  She had not driven it since Sunday.  Wait, let me tell you the back story.  She does not have a car.  She has a bike, a new one that we bought when she left for college.  She hasn't mentioned anything about a car until a month or two ago.  "Mom, with Mac and I here next year, I think it would be good if we had a car."  Okay, I thought, she is not asking two much really, she will have been at college for two years with out what Doris Joy would call "wheels"...

Back to the original story...she is walking down the road, with all of her belongings for a month at home and talking to me on the phone.  We are making small talk about how it will be good to have her home, yada, yada, yada and she gets to where she is sure she parked the car and says..."Mom, the car isn't here.  I thought I parked it here, I mean, I'm sure".  At this point, I am trying to stay calm.  Jim is still in India and this kind of crisis would usually fall into the "Why don't you call Dad and see what he says" category.  But, not possible at this point.  She begins to wander up and down the street that she thinks she parked the car on while I am on the phone calmly telling her not to worry.  In my head, I am the opposite of that...What is wrong with this kid, she can understand physics and calculus but can't keep track of a 2000 pound object?  If this thing is gone...what the heck do we even do?  That freakin' Jim, going to India the week before Christmas, it's all  his fault..."Mom are you there?" I hear from the Queen.  "Oh yeah, I'm here...just figuring out the next step!" I say.   She finally says, "It;s not here...it's gone."  Beautiful, just beautiful..."Okay, you keep looking and I will think of a solution" I say. 

I walk into a house that I am consulting for and sit down and begin to unload on the owner..."My daughter lost the car or it was stolen and my husband is in India and what do I even do...call the cops or what.?"  This guy is probably one of the nicest guys on earth...doesn't pay on time...but that is beside the point.  He tells me we call the police and ask if they know anything about it...
Call the police, great, how the frick do I call the po-po from Colorado springs while this freakin brilliant kid is wandering the streets looking for the car?  I am just trying to hold on...

My cell phone rings and its the Queen..."Did you find it?"  "No, but I am going to call my friend and ask her if she knows where I parked it."  Okay...what is wrong with this picture...calling a friend to help you find the car.  What where they doing when they parked/lost the car?  Oh wait...I don't even want to know!  "You haven't driven it since Sunday and it is Wednesday and you haven't gone to look at it?"  "Mom, I had finals and I have been studying and I parked it after church and now it isn't where I parked it."  Yeah, after church...right.  But then I thought of the day and thought, okay...she is on the up and up.  "I'm going to try to work a little so call me when while you figure out if the car was towed or stolen or if, by the by the grace of God it appears somewhere."
She called her friend and her friend suggested another place.  She started walking towards the new place and called me..."I think I parked it on a different street...It is coming clear to me now...this place had a bridge to cross to get to my dorm too...OK...I am really starting to remember" she is talking as she is walking.  I told her to be quiet and walk...and just let me know when she sees it.  All of a sudden, she spots a little blue subaru and tells me, "I think this is it but I have to look at the license plate"  LOOK AT THE LICENSE PLATE TO KNOW IF THE CAR IS OURS...WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS CHILD?  COLLEGE HAS FRIED HER BRAIN, I think loudly to myself..."Is it ours?" I ask.  "Yeah, I found it...and I am so sorry, Mom, it has a ticket on it." At this point, I am ecstatic that we are not dealing with cops and tow truck companies, so I am like, " No worries, you found the car and what is it for?"
"Can you believe they gave me a ticket for parking too close to a fire hydrant?  The fire trucks can fit fine if they need water." She says.  I had heard enough for today.  "Pack up and come home...drive safe and I love you" I say.  "Ok Mom...I will" and we both begin to laugh uncontrollably..."Can you believe I lost the car?" she asks. I don't even answer... "See you at home!"  "Love you Mom" and she was on her way.

Let's just say...she ain't gettin' no car!

We'll tawk tommorrow,
I love you all,

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Some days...

This morning, I got up and fought the voices that wanted me to stay home and skip spinning.  I am on day 3 of the juice fast and I have to say, it's not that bad.  But, I am dragging and I think it is from the lack of caffiene and wine.  Anyway, I got ready, packed my bag for the gym and headed out.  I got on a bike and realized that I had spun yesterday because of the state of my crotch.  I don't have cycling shoes or pants yet.  I'm not so sure that I want them either...but today I wanted both.  I sat on that seat and wondered if I was going to make it...the soreness was overwhelming.  But, I decided to tough it out for as long as I could.  I made it about 45 minutes and had to get off the bike.

I headed down to the shower, got all of my stuff and got done.  I realized after I was showered, half dressed and wanting to get going that I forgot to pack my pants.  I stood there in my underwear trying to figure out what to do.  How could I forget my pants?  Yesterday, standing in the same spot, after a shower, I took all of my clothes out of the bag and discovered I had no bra.  There are a few things I can do without but pants and a bra when I am seeing patients is something that is required.  I decided to go home and get properly dressed in both instances.

Some days are just like that.

I headed to see one of my patients.  She was sitting in her big cozy chair, listening to Polka songs on tape.  I came in and sat down and asked the usual questions.  She answered that she was fine, didn't have too much pain and was eating well.  I picked up the pictures in her frames on her dresser and she began to tell me about her husband and their life.  It sounds like she had a good life and is thankful for it.  I know she loves to have her a smoke but can't smoke alone...so I offered her one.  She lit it and sat quietly and smoked.  She enjoyed every inhale and exhale she took.  I talked about the Polka music and how nice it is where she is living.  She agreed and noticed that she needed some coffee.  I ventured to the kitchen and filled her cup.  She took her first sip and told me it was perfect.  After awhile of sitting together quietly, I decided it was time to go.  I got her comfortable again and leaned forward to to give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek.  She took my face and said, "I love you" and before I stood up, I told her I loved her too.  I walked out of the room and thought about that.  Do I love her, I wondered or am I just saying that?  I realized that I do and that is why I love my job.  I am so lucky to sit with someone and listen to Polka music...hear about the old days and then hear that she loves me. 

Pants or not, Bra or not...the days go on and good things do happen. 

Thank goodness I get to do this again tommorrow.

I'm headed to watch the Biggest Loser finale...hopefully it will motivate me to keep going on my latest health craze.

We'll tawk soon,
I love you all,

Monday, December 12, 2011


I have been reading about gratitude and how to live daily naming the things I am grateful for...Hence, where there is gratitude, fear goes away.  I think it is working to a degree.  Jim flew to India and I was so busy counting my blessings that I didn't think a thing about him until he called a day later.  How's that for being thankful?

I am also juicing.  I watched that movie "Fat, sick and nearly dead" and decided I wanted to juice.  I went to the store and almost bought the Jack LaLane juicer at costo and then stopped.  If this isn't one of the most unthought-out things I have done...I don't know what is.  Instead, I bought a couple of cases of Naked juice and started drinking them.  Actually, they are pretty good.  I drank about 7 of them on Sunday and another 7 today.  At about 200 calories a piece, I could have eaten a good dinner and a glass of wine.

No coffee either.  I made it through Sunday and Monday without any caffiene.  I am surprised I made it.  I live on coffee and diet pepsi along with pink wine.  Really that should be my juicing schedule and screw the Naked juice.  Coffee all morning, diet pepsi all afternoon and then pop the cork on the Zinfandel around 5 until bed!  Yeah, baby that sounds like a great idea.

The cat and the rabbit went nose to nose today.  The rabbit won.  The boys say it's because the cat has no balls.  That is very true that he has no balls and I guess the rabbit does.  We should have gotten him fixed.  Anyway, it was cute to watch them figuring out who or what each other was...and watch the cat run away.  Who is afraid of a rabbit?  He is just about the lowest on the food chain around here.

See, I am pretty thankful.  Thankful for not worrying about my husband out of town, thankful for juicing and not juicing.  Thankful for feeling good enough to clean the rabbit cage, and let him hop around the house.  Of course, I am thankful for the usual things...the house, the food and the warmth...oh and the family.

I let you know how the juicing goes and what plan I will be doing by the weekend...I can almost guarantee that I will be doing the coffee, diet pepsi and wine juice fast but hey...by that time, at least I tried.

I am also thankful for all of you...the folks that take time out of your day to read the stuff I wrote...really thankful.

So there you have it and there it is...
We'll tawk soon,
I love you all,

Saturday, December 10, 2011

171 Posts later...

I started this blog a year ago to the day.  I decided I needed to be more authentic...more real.  When I started this, I was working as a consultant, was 30 pounds thinner and had just sent my first child to college.  I was reeling from the change of purpose and thought that I would try to understand and remember what it felt like.  I went through a depression, a job change and figured out what I needed to do to survive. 

This year, I got the chance to feed the marching band, watch my daughter march for a college band, and go to Nicaragua and Hawaii in the same summer.  In the same year, my daughter has learned to live on her "own" and I've had the pleasure of watching my son fall in love.  I get to sit in the passenger seat of the car while my youngest child  drives me home. 

It's been a  year.  My husband has been to India twice, Frankfurt three times, and to places in the US for a meeting during the day and then home.  My car has over 200, 000 miles on it and has hit a mountain lion coming home from snowboarding.  I have attempted multiple diets, been on and off the wagon and spent quite a bit of time at the gym.

I had a pap smear that was normal and a mammogram that wasn't...at first.  I hurt my upper back, my lower back and now I have achilles tendonitis.  I have a lovely chiropractor that helps me with all these things...Thank God.

My life has changed drastically in the last year...not all good but really not bad either.  The big do last night was the boys sledding in the dark under the full moon.  You can tell our jeep by the big truck tubes tied to the roof of the car at the high school.  When my son called to tell us he and his brother were headed to the hill, I told him "If the cops come, keep  your mouth shut, pack up and come home...Oh and don't forget your brother."  My son started to laugh and asked if I had ever thought I would ask him..."If you're running from the cops, don't forget your brother"...I laughed and told him I was serious. 

While the boys did their night sledding, Jim and I played very competitive banagrams and had cocktails.  I asked him what he would change about the year and what he would he would change about raising the kids.  Of course, in true Jim fashion, he replied "nothing" and he meant it. 

I now have a job as a hospice nurse.  I have patients that I meet, fall in love with and they die.  I help them die with dignity, love and in their own homes.  It is an honor and privelege and I don't even look at it like a job anymore...it's my calling.

171 bogs later...I have regrets and and wish I had some do overs...but I am pretty thankful for what I have.  I think of things to write about and then forget by the time I sit at my computer after a long day.  I am sure that the dementia is starting to set in.  Oh well, such is life.

I live in a beautiful place, have a great husband...decent kids and have made it through another year.  It's amazing how time flies. 

A place where we can walk down the hill with a saw and pick a tree to cut down for christmas...

A Good year...a thankful year and time that I can't get back.  I am so glad I wrote about things that I will want to remember.

My son just walked by and asked me what I was drinking..."what's in that mom...caffiene?  You haven't been up this late in years!"

Good night.
We'll tawk tommorrow,
I love you all,

Monday, December 5, 2011

A Slap in the face...

 My slap in the face for the day...

So there...

I gotta be careful because I am having a terrible time talking when my size 11 foot is jammed in my mouth...

Stay warm tonight and enjoy your loves...I will be busy pulling that big foot out of my trap!

We'll tawk tommorrow,
I love you all,

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Gettin' right with Christmas...

I feel like writing but I am not sure what about.  I have so many things swirling in my head these days.  Christmas is coming whether I want to participate in it or not.  I don't have little kids anymore so the magic part of it is gone.  Now it is up to me to find the other meanings of Christmas...I guess.  When the kids were little, they were in the program at church dressed up as angels and sheep, we did Advent services and made tons of crafts.  I loved it because I would stop all the stuff I needed to do, sit in the quiet of the church with all the twinkling lights and relax.  It was part of the ritual for our family.

I am not so sure what Christmas is for my family now.  I mean, I still like the season and the lights...I love the lights and as a dear friend said in her blog, I leave them up all year because I love them so much.  But, what is it really about?  I am a believer...I believe in God and I believe that he is always with us.  I really do.  I know that there are people that don't and and I believe that is their business.  I also believe that if it is possible, you should stay home and raise your kids, be around for your teenagers but also enjoy them.   But, like I said, that is what I believe and you can believe a whole other reality and you and I can be dear friends.

So back to Christmas.  I sat in church today and listened to the preacher man.  He talked about how Mary, the mother of Jesus, was an ordinary lady that was chosen for the job and how it wasn't just the first part of the journey but they whole journey that was difficult.  He talked about how when Jesus was 12, he ran away to the temple and she didn't know where he was...and she was terribly worried.  It made me remember the hike over the summer and how I didn't know if my kids were okay...and those terrible feelings that went along with that.  Then he talked about Mary watching him be crucified and losing a son and the pain that went along with that.  I thought about all the folks that know that unrelenting pain...the loss of a child and how unfair that usually is.  I was listening with both ears because I wanted to know what the point is...why does he think we have to go through this difficult life and what is the point of that...

He finally talked about God's promises...and how even when we forget God, he doesn't forget us.  We are his and we get grace...and it is not something that we have to earn but it is ours for the taking.  And yes, we will, without a doubt have difficulties in life and it will be heart stopping at times but he is with us always whether we want that love or not.

Now, to the folks that aren't into God and church...I hear you...this is crazy talk.  Sometimes I even think it is too.  But...like I said, I am a believer. 

So back to Christmas...it is a fun and twinkely time.  The lights, the food, the folks getting together...families letting by gones be by gones...a great thing.  The buying stuff to buy stuff...uh uh...I am not doing that this year.  Of course I will buy gifts...I would be lying if I said I wasn't buying anything but nothing like in the past.

I have two patients that are dying.  One is old and one is young.  They are so precious...and their beauty is indescribable.  The world is going to miss them.  One is older and has had a great life.  She has lived well and the care her family is providing is proof of that.    The other is young, bald and I know she was in my life in the early years.  I recognize her because of her beautiful glow and her familiar smile.  She isn't interested in gifts or christmas or anything that doesn't have to do with quality time with her loves in her life.  That's it...that's all.  There will be a grandbaby in January and the goal is to make it to see the baby before she dies.

This post, I think, has helped me disect my plan for Christmas this year.  I am planning on being around the twinkly lights as much as I can but also, I am going to try to stay away from all the fake stuff...the pretend life of stuff and over spending to try to buy happiness.  I am not going to be part of it.  I think I will use the example of the folks that understand that the clock is ticking...and be present in the moment, look a little longer at the lights on the trees and the houses in the neighborhood, and spend time with my loves...without the list of to do's scrolling through my brain.  I will try to listen to my teenagers tell me about their day without thinking about how they probably have homework that isn't turned in and I will  try to encourage my husband when  he struggles with his job and the travel coming up.  I'm not very good at that stuff now.

This patient, the younger one, didn't think last year at this time that it would be the last christmas with her family...that when her husband asked "how much time do I have with my wife?" that the oncologist would answer "6 months at best." 

What would you do if this was your last Christmas?  What would you change?  Would you slow down and play banagrams with your teenagers in front of the christmas tree?  Would you look at your husband/wife longer because you needed to save the image?  Huh?  What do you think? 

Enjoy the twinkly lights and whatever you love to do during this time of  year...I know that I am going to try to!

We'll tawk tommorrow,
I love you all,

Thursday, December 1, 2011

15 years and counting...

Today is my youngest child's birthday.  He is 15 and it seems like yesterday I was as big as Jabba the Hut waiting for this kid to be born.  He came on the Sunday after Thanksgiving in 1996.  As I have stated before, he was an afterthought...the completion of our family even though I thought it was complete.  That Sunday morning, I sent Jim and the kids to church but had a few contractions so I thought I would stay home and see if anything had come of it.  Well, it did and by the time they all got home from church and got me to St. Joe's...it was way to late for anything but getting him born.  And he was and it was quick and he was big...9 lbs 12 oz of boy.

I brought him home the day after and we started the Christmas festivities while I was battling post partum blues and he was battling the neon yellow color.  A few neon poops later, he was all good.

So here we are 15 years later.  In my house, the birthday boy gets to decide what they want for their birthday dinner.  Howie decided he wanted chicken cutlet parmesan and pasta, with a yellow cake and chocolate frosting.  I ran to the store after work to get it all ready when he came home from school.  We happened to have a big snow storm so it is customary for my two boys to go out in the driveway and play football.  Today, they went out around 3:15 and I didn't see them again until 6pm.  I forgot to mention that is was around 18 degrees.

As is the usual with the boys, they start to play and then get a little rough with each other.  I heard them come in because the door slammed followed by what I think was something between wrestling and killing each other in the mud room.  I ran to the door and started yelling at the top of my lungs for them to stop..."STOP...GO TO YOUR ROOMS!" and they both looked at me like I was crazy.  "Mom, we always do this, we can work it out."  I walked away and they were at it again.  Of course, since I am such a fabulous mother, I shouted, "WE ARE NOT GOING TO DO YOUR BIRTHDAY DINNER...MAKE IT YOURSELF" and I walked into the livingroom and sat on the couch.  I made Howie feel bad and in turn, I felt bad, so I took it back.  Like I said, I am the mother of the year.

I called them up and made them apologize like they were 3 again and since they know how to get on my good side, they did.  I could see them snickering like they were getting something over on me but to be honest, they did seem like they were going stop the fighting.

We started to make dinner and it was really good.  We pounded out the chicken, breaded it and fried it up.  Then we put it in the oven with sauce and cheese.  Those boys are good cooks!

They were telling me how to bread the chicken

We had a great dinner and then Howie and I played banagrams while Mac did some home work and Jim was on a conference call.  We played two games and he won and I won. 

It was time for cake.  Every year, I take a picture with the cake and the candles so I can remember.  This guy is getting more handsome every year!

So to you Howie...I say, "Happy birthday and may all of your wildest dreams come true!" 

I love you buddy,

We'll tawk soon,
I love you all,

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Meet Sol...

We got a cat last week.  A 4 year old orange tabby that was given to the shelter because his owner was going into assisted living and he couldn't take the cat.  I love cats but my youngest is pretty allergic so I swore them off until he was out of the house.

Before thanksgiving, we, the Queen and the boys decided to go "galavanting."  When we go galavanting, it generally includes a couple of Goodwills, and ARC thrift store and a pet store.  Oh, and if we are out at lunch, a Souper salad.  Lucky for us, the Goodwill, DAV and the Souper salad were all in the same area.  Then I decided I wanted to get a fish.  I have a tank, and I really enjoy fish for some reason.  Maybe because they cannot talk back or have their own ideas or that they just swim around.  Anyway, I asked the kids to come into the pet store and pick out a fish for me.

While I was looking at the fish, I noticed I was alone.  I looked around and they had dissappeared.  Then I heard a ..."Mom, come here".  I immediately responded, "No."  Slowly I walked over to the cages and was all three petting this orange junk yard cat.  "We should get him" I heard one of the voices say.  "Your brother is allergic...so no."  Then out of nowhere, the clerk showed up and asked if we wanted to take him out of his cage.  "No thanks" I responded and the Queen asked about the cat.  "How come he is here" she inquired.  "He was given to the shelter because"....and I began to think of all of my old patients with cats and how they love them.  Many a time I have offered to take a dog or cat so they didn't go to the shelter for my patients.  I ended up with a dog for about a year because one of my patients couldn't take care of her.  It wasn't too big of a deal, I thought. 

They took the cat out of the cage and he walked around and rubbed his rear end on all of us.  "What's his name?" I heard myself ask..."Sol" she said.  In my head I could feel the wall coming down.  I decided I wouldn't say another word and maybe the kids would buckle first.

We sat on the floor in silence while this cat walked all over us.  No one uttered a word.  I looked around and waited.  Still no conversation.  The clerk was starting to get uncomfortable and so was I.  It was a test of wills.  Them against me and whoever wins chooses.  Guess what...I cracked.  "OK" I heard myself say.  The kids took a deep breath and looked knowingly at each other.  They had won.  They  know I hate awkward silence and all three of my kids are awkward...so the silence doesn't bother them in the least.

Then it was on to Jim.  Mac called him and told him we were at the pet store to get a fish...but it turned into a cat.  My husband responded, " a cat fish?" to which my son said "no a cat-cat"... to which my husband replied, as all husbands who know better do..."It's up to your mother."

We brought "Sol" home.  He is a cute cat.  He has immediately taken to my husband.  He lays on his chest and looks lovingly into his eyes.  I am thrilled because now I don't have to!  Last night, I rolled over in bed and lying under the covers by Jim's side was this cat.  I have never seen anything like it.  Of course, he doesn't like dry food, pukes up milk and has no claws...so we have a cat box.

Another addition to this insane family...a dirty orange one that purrs and walks around rubbing his rear against anything and everything.  He is cute though and he seems to listen to me when I talk.  Sometimes he'll even wink.  That's more than I can say about all the other inhabitants in my home. 

Good night all and I will head upstairs and peel the cat off of my husband...so I can pet the cat!

We'll tawk soon,
I love you all,

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

How do you use a compass?

The boys and I arrived home from the Senior High Youth gathering on Sunday afternoon.  We spent the weekend in Estes Park with about 600 high schoolers from all over that go to the Lutheran church.  I had a small group and my son had a small group.  The theme for the weekend was GPS...God's Positioning System.  I know this all sounds so "religious" and it is.  To be honest, I love this stuff.

The weekend was about "who or what is your life compass?" and I think the whole world could take a look at who they follow and what is really important.  But, I digress.  I enjoyed the weekend, the food was good, and I got a good, hard slap in the face during some of the talks.  My "compass" gets left places while I pursue things that I ought not... so this was a good reminder.

The best part of the weekend and coming week was being with the whole family.  While the boys and I were doing our thing, Jim picked up the Queen from college and when we got home...there she was in all her Queenly glory.  This kid is a gem and college agrees with her. 

She and her father made a lovely dinner of roasted chicken and vegetables.  They called us to the table and we had trouble figuring out who was to sit where.  We have adjusted since she left and we have new places to sit at dinner.  I hadn't thought about how far we had come with letting the Queen go and live her life...but we have.

It's bittersweet, this letting go.  I am not good at it and I doubt that I will ever be.  I got a taste of the feelings welling up in my soul about my middle child at the gathering.  At the end of the weekend, there is always a church service of sorts.  It is contemporary and cool...trying to appeal to the younger set.  This service was called a "Thomas Mass" and it had areas to move and do things to appeal to all the senses. 

I went to the baptism one, where you are supposed to remember who you are and who loves you, I walked the labryinth to quiet my mind and then I wandered around.  I decided to go to the prayer station although there wasn't really anything could think about to pray for.  But, I thought, I am never going to turn down a free prayer!  I walked up to the station, and a woman grabbed my hand and asked me what was on my mind.  Before I could get my head to think, tears sprang to my eyes..."My son is leaving for college next year and I want to pray for him"  I heard myself say.  "Is he having problems that we need to focus on?" she asked.  "No, but I am just going to miss him and once again, that pain of change is going to hit me hard, I think."  My face was soaked, the snot was running out of my nose and I couldn't stop. 

She grabbed her annointing oil and made a cross on my head.  Then she started talking to God, praying for all the things I mentioned and didn't mention.  When she was done, I walked away wiping my eyes and nose and wondered where all this emotion came from.  I have been telling this boy to get moving on college apps and trying to help him understand what he wants to do and what stirs his soul.  I think I just left the other feelings because I have to or I wouldn't get out of bed.

To top it off, my youngest son is getting his permit on December 1st.  I will be sitting in the passenger seat terrified that we are going to die for the next few months.  But, its all part of the all-inclusive package I signed up for before I knew what I was getting into.

Last night, I sat on the couch trying to make a rag rug.  The Queen sat down with my son's guitar and started playing.  My middle son picked up the ukelele and joined her.  My youngest sat with us for a minute before he needed to go do something else.  The two older ones started singing and teaching each other songs and chords.  I sat there, watching and thinking about what I was looking at.  These two kids, my kids but really no longer kids...have become very decent people. 

They seem to understand life better than me sometimes...they know right from wrong and they have to make their own mistakes.  The hard part is watching them leave. 

I am not so good at that...do you think it's because I have so much work to do on me?  Probably.  And, I would rather not look too deep into me because it's overwhelming.

So, today, Tuesday before Thanksgiving, I am thankful.  For too much, too little and for solid hearts and souls of loving people. I am working...I'll go visit a few folks that need nursing care to stay healthy and to die peacefully. Hopefully, I can remember my compass and focus on what's important and not get caught up in the stuff that just doesn't matter.  Yeah...that's what I am gonna try to focus on...gonna give it a good try.

Happy Tuesday before Thanksgiving...start making the food!
We'll tawk tommorrow,
I love you all,

Monday, November 14, 2011

The best of the worst...

Over the weekend, I was lamenting to my husband how I don't make much money.  We are looking at the second of three heading to college in the fall and if I had chosen a different profession, I would be able to contribute more to the kids college fund.  Like his usual self, he started to tell me how different my job is and how that is better than money.  "No one ever runs into me in the grocery store and tells me how blessed they were that I took care of their father/brother/mother/etc."  That is very true.  Since I live and work in a small town, I will see folks that I met in the most difficult time of their lives and helped.  I know, I know.  "Remember at the cross country meet when I met one of your patient's wife and she went on and on about how you made such a difference in her life?  Remember?  There isn't enough money in the world for that kind of reward."  I thought about it for a minute and realized he was right...my job is full of rewards that have nothing to do with money.  But...

The weekend was over and I went to see one of my folks.  The patient is in bed, comfortable and dying.  The family has been devastated from the moment of diagnosis, through the treatment and finally to the decision to go to "comfort care."  I have been with this family through the last of the treatment and am with them now.  He is in a hospital bed in the main area of the house, where the family is with him as they wish.  He is comfortable, not alone and sleeping most of the time.  It is obvious that this family is devastated but also in some ways ready.  The patient seems ready.  Now it is up to the angels. 

As I sat on the couch with my feet under me like I belonged, I asked how they were doing.  "How are you guys and what else can I do to help you?"  They responded that they are okay...terribly sad but okay...and they are so glad to be home which is where he wanted to be.  They also felt like he was so peaceful and comfortable and that is what they and he wanted.  I went into my "nurse-mode" and explained all the medications and what to do and give when.  Then we began to talk about what the end will probably look like.  They wanted to know but sometimes you want to know but you don't. 

It's one of those things.  When you get lucky enough to marry someone you truly like and love, raise kids and build a life...a really good one, it hurts to see them fight for life, to hurt and then to be peaceful but knowing your moments are numbered with them.  It's the best and the worst of a life well lived.

It was time to go and let the family be.  I hugged them all harder than I should have but wanted them to know I get it.  It's hard but it's what they want to do...
to care for their loved one at home and be there until the end.  I honor them and wish them peace tonight as they spend the last minutes and hours.

So today I got to be a part of the best and the worst of life.  The best being a love so deep and long that you will do whatever it takes to make the transition to heaven what the person wanted.  The worst...watching that person leave you a moment at a time, albiet peacefully and comfortably...but never to hold you or look into your eyes again...here anyway.  It's wonderful and sad at the same time.

Once again, I hope to have the strength to be like this family...to honor and love until the very end and then some.

We'll tawk tommorrow,
I love you all,

Sunday, November 13, 2011

How could you not?

I am transfixed with the news of Penn State.  I could not believe that when a person sees what this "eye witness" saw in the locker room, he walked away, called his dad and then called the coach.   Sure they went up through the proper channels...sort of...but how can a person see what he saw and let it go?
Let it go and hope for the best?  I don't see it.

I thought about what I would do.  What would you do?  I hope that I would have the nerve to go right to the police...powerful or not, program destroying or not.  If I saw evil happening I hope I would go and get help, report it and not hope it goes away.

So I classify that act...what happened in the Penn State football locker room as evil.  I would think that is cut and dry.  No gray areas...adult and child do not interface in that way...ever.  But what about the other evils of the world that I ignore because it doesn't matter that much to me?  Some people think dancing is evil...drinking is evil...along with other things.

Have we blurred right and wrong?  Is it wrong to love a person of the same sex and marry them?  I don't think so but some other people do.  There are so many things that are looked at as wrong or right in our eyes...what our moral compass thinks is right and wrong.  It's interesting to ponder isn't it?

I try to be polite if I don't care for someone.  I usually don't care for people that I percieve as hurting my kids.  Otherwise, I usually don't care either way.  I always hope that things will work out and nobody gets hurt.  I have seen deep pain in people and spend time wondering why life is so hard.  But, I can also look at things and cry tears of pure joy.  I hate injustice and want it to go away. 

So back to those coaches...how, if you see an innocent boy being taken advantage of by an adult...would you do it differently today?  Would you tell the cops and follow up?  If you knew there were going to be more abused boys...the count is up to 18?  How could you not?

I am at a loss for words when things like this happen.  How can someone do things like this and destroy children?  I just don't know.  Our job as adults is protect children and do it at all costs...the cost of your job, your program, and whatever else needs to be done so someone like that never does something like that to another child...that's our job as adults...and I expect nothing less.

It is our job to protect the children.  When you see something evil...
would you report it?  Again I ask...how could you not? 

We'll tawk tommorrow,
I love you all,

Sunday, November 6, 2011

On Occupations...

If you have read my writing, you probably know that I stray away from politics.  I am not a very political person and just want everyone to get along.  I feel like if I earn alot of money, I want to be able to keep it, give it or burn it if I want.  I also understand the folks that need help.  I do.  I have taken care of people that have nothing...no running water, no heat and barely a house here in our neck of the woods. 

I just don't understand the "occupation" stuff.  I want to understand it...and if it is something I think will change things...I will occupy.  I am all about making things better for everyone and I pray alot for things to change...but I haven't "occupied".  I  do read alot about what is going on and know that I am not getting the real story. 

Since I am in the car alot, I listen to the radio.  If you want to know the truth, I listen to everything, left and right...to try to understand.  Probably not the best way to get my info. 

But...I had a thought.  I was reading an article about how the chefs at the kitchen in one of the "occupy" cites were mad at the homeless coming to eat the food prepared for the others and how they were going to tone down the food to encourage them to go elsewhere.  I found that interesting. 

I still have no idea what to think.  I am not going to go to Denver and stand out there with a sign.  No...I'm not.  But, tommorrow night, the kids and I will go to the Denver Rescue Mission and prep for the homeless guy's dinner and then when dinner is ready, we will serve them. 

You "occupiers" do what you  need to do for things to change and I will just do what I need to do.  For me, yeah, I want things to change...but in the mean time, I will try to help in little tiny ways...and hope for the best.

That's me on my soap box, in my warm house with dinner cooking on the stove...feeling incredibly lucky and wishing everyone who wants the same has it.  I know they don't and probably won't but in the mean time, we can try to do what we think will help, right?

I think I will put my soap box back in the closet and get back to my regular opinions...about being heavy, old and raising teenagers!  I feel like I know more about those things than politics anyway.

Enjoy the rest of your Sunday.

We'll tawk tommorrow,
I love you all,

Sunday, October 30, 2011

The Game Plan of Life...

I spent some time last week with a patient that needed to make some really hard decisions.  To continue to fight or to call it a day...to keep trying to live or to let disease take it's course and die.  His wife had made a decision earlier in the week to stop treatment but was so uncertain about the decision after going home. 

The phone rang on Wednesday morning and I could barely understand the person on the other end through the tears..."I decided not to do the chemo yesterday, I guess were done" she sobbed.  "The doctor said it was up to me but then asked me if I really wanted to put him through this anymore" and I said "no."  I was at a loss for words and it was hard to understand her.  "Do you want me to come over?" I said before I looked at my schedule.  "No, I'm really okay, just sad and wish things were different."  We planned my visit for two days later and hung up.

I didn't allow myself to think too hard about the situation.  I decided that it was not the time and I had been teetering on the edge and have finally decided not to jump.  I went about my day and the next not thinking a whole lot about the visit.

Friday morning came and it was wet and soggy but the sun shone bright when I pulled up to the house.  I walked in and washed my hands admiring the dishes and glasses that they had accumulated over the years.  As I walked over to the couch, I looked at a picture from last year when they were on a trip.  They were holding each other and smiling...the calm before the storm.  I asked her to help him out of bed and bring him out to talk.  I decided the night before that I wanted to help her have clarity, to understand that she is doing what she believes he wants and what is right for them.

Typically, he is tired...has trouble keeping up with conversation and can't find many words to communicate.  On Friday, he seemed clearer than he has in the last three weeks.  I sat on the floor, grabbed his hand and looked up at him.  First, I asked him how he was feeling and if he had any pain.  "No, I don't hurt anywhere" he replied clearly.  Then I went on and explained what was going on lately, assuming he would not understand.  "You went to the doctor earlier this week and everyone decided that it wasn't helping so you didn't have your treatment" I said. "I didn't have my treatment? and then he paused, "Okay, but I don't mind the treatment" he said.  "Do you want to stop treatment?" I asked.  He replied clearly and with strength, "I'm not ready to die yet"... and then went on..."I know it's coming but I would just as soon stay and keep trying than stop."  He looked me straight in the eye hoping I understood.  And I did.  I don't know what it is like to know you are dying but wanting to stay...but I do understand when you want to keep fighting.  I also understand that my job is to honor that...until you can't fight anymore...and then be there with you when you decide it's time to die.

After that, he wanted to go back to bed.  His wife and I walked him in, helped him lay down and she kissed him sweetly.  He snuggled into the soft comforter and smiled.

"Thank you, Terry, so much" I heard her saying to me.  I think that sometimes it is easier say the things that need saying to a stranger than the person that you promised to be with, support and love forever.  I think it's a fear thing...if I say this, what will he think, will it come across wrong, or will he think I think he should do something different.  It's all that history, that water under the bridge along with the fear of pain when the person does go. 

She was happy to have some clarity about what he wanted.  All day, I thought about how it must be a daunting task to make a decision to stop treatment on a loved one.  Especially when it's not in your game plan of life.

The game plan of life...that's an interesting concept.  My game plan has been changed almost on a daily basis.  I am sure as Jim and I get more and more into the middle age years...it will change more.  I guess we need to have a plan...but when it goes terribly wrong, the fear of the "that's not in the plan" can be paralyzing.  I get to watch that on a daily basis.

So the final paragraph with the wrap up and solution...don't fall in love, don't get sick, don't have kids, and definitely don't die.  Then you are set...the plan won't have any glitches.  Or, you fall in love and plan a life, you live each day the best you can (some better than others), you live as much in the moment as you can, you have kids if you want, love them dearly and know that you have no control, and when you finally do die...or if you know you are dying...you did it up, you broke the fun barrier, the love barrier and you hoped for the best...

That is my game plan of life...want to join me?

We'll tawk tommorrow,
I love you all,

Thursday, October 20, 2011

This is what State looks like...

Tomorrow is State competition for marching band.  The boys will get on a big coach bus and go to CSU to march on the big field.  They will compete against other bands that have spent countless hours practicing their show.  Our band will have to show the judges that they have more heart and energy than the other bands to advance.

 This morning, while I was making my "to-do" list because I am not working today...(ha, ha), I began to think about my middle kid and how this is his last state show.  I asked him if he was ready to be done with band and he said, "no"... and then looked over at me and said, "I know mom".  I started to tear up.  My younger son tried to make me feel better and I told him that I wasn't sad...just tender.  And I am just tender.

My daughter, the Queen, was such a perfect child that when she was 15 months, I convinced my husband that we were such great parents that we should have another.  Eleven months later...here comes Mac.  He was born on a Friday the 13th and has been who he is since that very moment.  He woke up crying for 11 months straight...

Mac and his sister after his PR in cross country

When he started school, the very first parent-teacher conference, I heard that he couldn't sit still, talked too much and didn't know when to stop.  Over the years, I would hear variations on the theme but it was always the same...I even heard that story this week at the high school.

Now he is a senior and he gets up in the morning, gets going and lives his life.  He is fiercely loyal...and if you like him...you usually love him.  God forbid you don't like him though...it's tough to be him.

So, this guy, my son, a third of my heart and soul...is marching his last state high school performance this weekend.  I can't believe it.  Now, I realize I should have held him longer in the mornings when he was crying in the crib.  I should have slowed that time down instead of sticking a pacifier in his mouth to quiet him down.  I can't get those moments back and now I want them.  Don't get me wrong, I sat with him the other day and laughed so hard that I thought I was gonna pee my pants.  He is one funny guy.  Before I know it though, I will be dropping him off at some dorm that he is moving into with the hope that he keeps his mouth shut, knows when enough is enough and is able to sit still when he needs to...and he'll be 18.

Mac is front row bari sax and his brother is next to him with the baritone

So listen, buddy...your father and I love you dearly.  We are so proud of you and how you are who you are.  The ball is in your court...or coming at you from the mound...or you are standing at the top of the terrain park waiting to the land the big jump...and it's all up to you.  I will be there cheering you and your band buddies on...hoping for the best and knowing what awesome kids you all are.   But...I will be looking for you and your brother, hoping that you march out on that field and love every minute of it...and I mean it...every minute...because next year at this time, you'll be in another space and time, with 2011 state just a memory.  I know it's going to be an awesome one.

May you love every minute of your time on the field and may all of your hard work, heart and energy shine through!

We'll tawk tommorrow,
I love you all,

Saturday, October 8, 2011

For everything there is a season...

This morning, we woke up to snow.  For all the years that I have lived in Colorado, the first snow of the season shocks me.  You would think after 23 years of fall turning into winter...I would know how to deal with this.  But, again...I don't.  

My son, the senior, had a cross country meet in the city.  It was raining and the temperature was hovering around 38 degrees.  He ran well because, "Mom, this is great to run in."  Well, it is not great to be a spectator in.  I had on layers...that's what we do in Colorado when the snow flies.  I had a short sleeve t-shirt, long sleeve t-shirt, x-c sweatshirt and my down coat.  I had gloves on and the hood to the hoodie on.  It added another 20 pounds on to my already 50 pound overweight body and yet, I was still cold. 

My younger son had marching band practice today.  When I arrived at the high school to bring the older son from his race, the band was on the field in 4 inches of snow marching.  They were bundled up and they were all at attention.  The director was out there too...in his winter coat with a hat on and the microphone.  I can't tell you that I would be that dedicated when I was that age!

It's now Saturday night and we are home.  The boys are downstairs with a big fire burning.  It is cozy. 

While all this is going on, Jim is making pizza and we are listening to the Colorado Buffaloes get beat bad by Stanford.  The Queen is in Palo Alto with the pep band and we are hoping to hear her play her horn...obviously, we have little to no life. 

But...at least it is a life.  I finished my charting for the week and no one that I am caring for is waiting on the angels this weekend.  Sure, I wish it was warmer and dryer with the sun out, but we Coloradans know that tommorrow, when we wake up in October, the sun will be out and the snow that is left will be shimmering with gold and silver.  The Big O tire stores will be crowded with the folks like me that wait until the very last minute, slide down the hill in our neighborhoods and think about tires for the winter.  Then there are the folks who love winter...they probably made Chili for dinner, had the fire wood ready and love the white snow.  That is just not me.

You know what made me the saddest?  The pumpkin plant covered with snow and having to the cut the growing pumpkins off the vines.  This was the first year we had anything grow well and to watch my youngest son, who planted the seed, come home from school and see if his pumpkins had grown during the day...at almost 15...priceless.  Jim and I cut them off the vine, dried them off and brought them in.  We looked on the internet and learned that we can get them to turn orange if we keep them warm and let the sun work on them.  So we put them in the livingroom where the sun shines most of the day...

 So there you have it...a regular Saturday in our house.  The next two Saturdays are taken up by band competitions and the end of cross country.  I am trying not to look at that as the end of my son's high school career and a few more of his toes on one foot out the door.  But...that's the reality and for me, sometimes its hard to live there!

Here's to the sun shining on the melting snow tommorrow morning,
We'll tawk tommorrow,
I love you all,

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Party on...

Things happen.  Some of the things are good and some of them are bad.  But, sometimes the bad turns into good.  You know what I mean?  I am going to try to explain.  The hosts of the party were Katie Jo and Mike.  Last spring, the world was turned upside down by a lump, surgery and a diagnosis of breast cancer.  The war started and it was time to mobilize and fight with her.  Food was made and delivered, prayers were screamed to God for healing and love was in the air...all summer.  Her hair fell out, she had terrible headaches, body aches and numbness but didn't utter a word of complaint.  Not a word...none, atleast to those that weren't in her house.  Through the whole thing, we talked about a party...the end of the cancer celebration...to get back to life. 

The celebration party was  Sunday.  Sure things are still not back to normal...but what is normal anyway?  Who is normal?  Do you know anyone who is?  I  have an idea of what I think is normal but I don't know a soul who is what I think.

There was a band, food and drink.  There were adults, kids and various dogs and cats.  People came from every aspect of KJ's life and were there to celebrate.  There was hugging and kissing...pure joy of health and being on the road to the next chapter.

She made it...through the summer of chemo, the exhaustion and worry.  I'm not suggesting that it is over because I know that when you have a cancer diagnosis, there will be worry in the back of your mind.  I also know that KJ will not be the only one of us to fight the fight...just read the statistics.  But, she was the first.  The first of the pre-school moms that now have college kids and the one to set the bar on how to behave.

Grace, peace and power is what I saw through this battle.  A quiet strength that was evident in her every move.  Sure, she will say that she just did what she had to do...and she did.  But, she and Mike also showed a community what love is, what sacrifice is and what being there for your family is.  The example of how to care for one that you love. 

I am sure the journey was hard and will still take some getting used to.  The fear will subside and things will be right again.  KJ...you will be hiking, cross country skiing and tele skiing this winter with the energy of a teenager...just like before the big C...but, my guess is, you'll be sporting a cool looking new hair do!

I love you both and it is was an honor to be in the fight...and thanks for the celebration part...the margaritas and the company was excellent!

We'll tawk tommorrow,
I love you all,

Monday, September 26, 2011

It's been awhile...

I haven't had the heart to write lately.  I have been in, what I call, "The Purple funk" and it has been a tough one to shake.  I was thinking about when I started down the path of "funk-ness" and I can't remember.  I generally lurk around it for a time before I fall deep into it.  When the summer ended and school started, I guess that was when I began to fall.  I realized today when I recieved a text from my friend referring to a pedicure to cure "the purple funk" and then later, when I got a phone call from a client who didn't recognize my voice..."You don't sound like yourself, are you sick?" that is was taking over my life.  I am even having trouble pretending to myself that I am ok. 

Today is day 1 of getting out of the "purple funk".  I decided this morning, that it was time.  As I struggled to get out of bed and put my feet on the floor, I started to remember what today was going to look like.  There was a spinning class that I was planning on, seeing patients that I love, and then getting ready for the marching band competition on Tuesday.  There is nothing better than watching my boys out on the field along with 95 others and then feeding them.  I truly love to do that...to cook the food, talk to the kids and build them up.  I probably love that because I can get out of my own head and see the joy and pride that has nothing to do with me when they come off the field.

Spinning was hard and there were points in the class when I felt like I was going to puke.  I faced the mirror and it is really tough to look at myself these days.  I just can't stand what I see.  But I made it through.  I headed to see a patient that will be gone by next week at this time.  He is being taken care of beautifully and his family is doing a great job loving him up.  I got in my car and thought to myself..."You think you have problems?"   Picked up my  youngest from school, got home and cooked spagetti for 96. My son and I made two cakes.  We always make a cake for this competition to wish them luck.  I had a great dinner with my son, the senior, and cleaned up the kitchen while he kept me company.  He talked about his life and then picked up the ukelele to strum along with a song playing on Pandora.  Then, he talked me into throwing him some passes with the football in the driveway.

I think I should be ashamed.  I have alot going on that is so positive and I am lucky...I really am.  It's just that some days, for some reason...I can't find one thing positive in my life.  I can't let things roll off of my shoulders and be thankful.  Depression runs in my family and why I think I would be immune is beyond me...why I wouldn't need help.  But there are blocks of time and have been when I am just ashamed of being down...and to be totally honest, it sucks.

It's been good to get this on paper...to begin to keep myself accountable to the fact that it's not fair to subject my family to this "funk" when I could get help... be it a talk with a counselor or some medication to change my brain chemistry.  

Today was a good day...it really was.  But I still think it's time for some brain work...and I am going to put that on my to-do list tommorrow. 

Good night, and I wish you peace...and I wish for peace for me too.
We'll tawk soon,
I love you all,

Monday, September 12, 2011

Monday Night Football...

I have written time and time again about how I miss my daughter, the Queen.  She is a great person and I am so proud of her.  But really the reason I miss her is because she is a girl, has a girl's brain and gets me. 

Like tonight...The Denver Bronco's are playing their first game of the season...
"not first game, Mom,  but first game of the regular season"...I hear in the tone of  "is she stupid or what?" from my son.  "I know" I reply to be polite, but in my head I am thinking..."I could give a rip about this game."    Right now, one hour before the game starts, the three boys....Oh, I mean two boys and my husband, are sitting in front of the TV with their eyes fixed and their mouths open...drooling.  If the house caught on fire, they would still be sitting there in the same position.  They become one with the couch and with each other.   As my husband grabbed his beer and headed down, I walked by him.  He looked at me and said, "you going downstairs?"  When I said no...he skipped down the stairs and began to hum a happy tune.  I know exactly what he was thinking..."Thank God I don't have to listen to her tonight...The Bronco's are on!"

When my daughter was at home, we would go up to my bed, read and watch something like the "Biggest Loser" or a cooking show on football nights.  We would talk about how hard it is not to eat good stuff and cry at the end of the "Biggest Loser" because the contestants were doing good.  If my sons happened to come out of the Zombie football state and come upstairs, they would look at the TV and say, " all you guys watch is fat and food shows" and they would be correct but we didn't care.

It would be nice to have the Queen home but she is living her life and by God, it's time to live mine.  So tonight, I have my "Prevention" magazine to read, my TLC intervention show to watch and Van Morrison on Pandora.  Sounds fairly pathetic when you think about it.  But I have to say, lying in my bed reading is like heaven to me and with no one beside me in the bed to pay attention to...even better.   Don't spend a moment feeling sorry for me.  Enjoy your night and I will enjoy mine without Monday night football!  Oh yeah!!!

I gotta get my PJ's on climb into bed...
We'll tawk tommorrow,
I love you all,