Monday, September 26, 2011

It's been awhile...

I haven't had the heart to write lately.  I have been in, what I call, "The Purple funk" and it has been a tough one to shake.  I was thinking about when I started down the path of "funk-ness" and I can't remember.  I generally lurk around it for a time before I fall deep into it.  When the summer ended and school started, I guess that was when I began to fall.  I realized today when I recieved a text from my friend referring to a pedicure to cure "the purple funk" and then later, when I got a phone call from a client who didn't recognize my voice..."You don't sound like yourself, are you sick?" that is was taking over my life.  I am even having trouble pretending to myself that I am ok. 

Today is day 1 of getting out of the "purple funk".  I decided this morning, that it was time.  As I struggled to get out of bed and put my feet on the floor, I started to remember what today was going to look like.  There was a spinning class that I was planning on, seeing patients that I love, and then getting ready for the marching band competition on Tuesday.  There is nothing better than watching my boys out on the field along with 95 others and then feeding them.  I truly love to do that...to cook the food, talk to the kids and build them up.  I probably love that because I can get out of my own head and see the joy and pride that has nothing to do with me when they come off the field.

Spinning was hard and there were points in the class when I felt like I was going to puke.  I faced the mirror and it is really tough to look at myself these days.  I just can't stand what I see.  But I made it through.  I headed to see a patient that will be gone by next week at this time.  He is being taken care of beautifully and his family is doing a great job loving him up.  I got in my car and thought to myself..."You think you have problems?"   Picked up my  youngest from school, got home and cooked spagetti for 96. My son and I made two cakes.  We always make a cake for this competition to wish them luck.  I had a great dinner with my son, the senior, and cleaned up the kitchen while he kept me company.  He talked about his life and then picked up the ukelele to strum along with a song playing on Pandora.  Then, he talked me into throwing him some passes with the football in the driveway.

I think I should be ashamed.  I have alot going on that is so positive and I am lucky...I really am.  It's just that some days, for some reason...I can't find one thing positive in my life.  I can't let things roll off of my shoulders and be thankful.  Depression runs in my family and why I think I would be immune is beyond me...why I wouldn't need help.  But there are blocks of time and have been when I am just ashamed of being down...and to be totally honest, it sucks.

It's been good to get this on paper...to begin to keep myself accountable to the fact that it's not fair to subject my family to this "funk" when I could get help... be it a talk with a counselor or some medication to change my brain chemistry.  

Today was a good day...it really was.  But I still think it's time for some brain work...and I am going to put that on my to-do list tommorrow. 

Good night, and I wish you peace...and I wish for peace for me too.
We'll tawk soon,
I love you all,

Monday, September 12, 2011

Monday Night Football...

I have written time and time again about how I miss my daughter, the Queen.  She is a great person and I am so proud of her.  But really the reason I miss her is because she is a girl, has a girl's brain and gets me. 

Like tonight...The Denver Bronco's are playing their first game of the season...
"not first game, Mom,  but first game of the regular season"...I hear in the tone of  "is she stupid or what?" from my son.  "I know" I reply to be polite, but in my head I am thinking..."I could give a rip about this game."    Right now, one hour before the game starts, the three boys....Oh, I mean two boys and my husband, are sitting in front of the TV with their eyes fixed and their mouths open...drooling.  If the house caught on fire, they would still be sitting there in the same position.  They become one with the couch and with each other.   As my husband grabbed his beer and headed down, I walked by him.  He looked at me and said, "you going downstairs?"  When I said no...he skipped down the stairs and began to hum a happy tune.  I know exactly what he was thinking..."Thank God I don't have to listen to her tonight...The Bronco's are on!"

When my daughter was at home, we would go up to my bed, read and watch something like the "Biggest Loser" or a cooking show on football nights.  We would talk about how hard it is not to eat good stuff and cry at the end of the "Biggest Loser" because the contestants were doing good.  If my sons happened to come out of the Zombie football state and come upstairs, they would look at the TV and say, " all you guys watch is fat and food shows" and they would be correct but we didn't care.

It would be nice to have the Queen home but she is living her life and by God, it's time to live mine.  So tonight, I have my "Prevention" magazine to read, my TLC intervention show to watch and Van Morrison on Pandora.  Sounds fairly pathetic when you think about it.  But I have to say, lying in my bed reading is like heaven to me and with no one beside me in the bed to pay attention to...even better.   Don't spend a moment feeling sorry for me.  Enjoy your night and I will enjoy mine without Monday night football!  Oh yeah!!!

I gotta get my PJ's on climb into bed...
We'll tawk tommorrow,
I love you all,

Friday, September 9, 2011

So I didn't make it....

We started out on the hike around 6am and got going at 7am.  The trail was flatish and in the woods.  For about 3.5 miles, it was a walk in the park.  Then we came out of the woods to look directly up to the boulder field and the peak.  It looked close but in reality, it was hours away.  The group started up with me at the tail end and started to trudge straight up.  If you guess that I didn't make it...you would be right.  I got to a part where I was climbing on the rocks and Jim was waiting for me...but yelling directions...and I told him off.  "Just go and leave me alone" I yelled up the mountain.  To my surprise...
he left.  He headed up the mountain and when I got through the rocks that move, he was gone.  I kept going and then my head got to me.  "You never leave anyone alone" I thought..."What kind of mountaineer is he anyway?"  Finally, I sat on a rock and cried.  It started to snow and he had taken my water and my sweatshirt.  After about two hours of trying to make it to the ridge, I gave up and started hiking down.  In the distance, higher than me, I heard him calling my name.  He ran down and reached me...he handed me water, gave me my sweatshirt.  I took a drink, put the sweatshirt on and let him have it.  "You never leave someone on a mountain alone" I said..."I can NEVER TRUST YOU AGAIN" and started walking.  Let's just say,  he was madder than he had been in awhile.  I am sure he wanted to kill me but realized that he didn't want to raise the  3 teenagers alone.  We got down the mountain and hiked/walked in silence.  Finally, he started to talk.  "I'm sorry, honey, but you said leave and I just decided to."  I answered..."I always tell you to leave me and I really don't mean it and I didn't make it to the top and I am so dissappointed."  He reminded me that it is was a hard mountain and we underestimated the whole thing.  "Yeah, but I am the only one who didn't make it" and then I burst into tears and said,"YOU LEFT ME!" 

After awhile, he told me that my kids had decided to try to bag another peak.  They and another couple of teenagers had gone on the hike Harvard Peak.  Not an easy one and longer than they had planned.   "They should be back at the car around the time that we get back"  he said.  Needless to say, they were not and we got back around 5:30.  When we got to the car and the kids were nowhere in sight, Jim headed back up the trail looking for them.  At 7:10, my sons showed up at the car exhausted and with a message..."The Queen and the other hikers are okay but it's going to be awhile."  Well, it was getting dark and I was getting anxious...not to mention that my youngest son was puking his brains out in the parking lot.  Finally, a friend decided to hike in with his flash light.  After about an hour, he came out without seeing them or Jim or the other father that had gone in to find them.  At this point, darkness had come over the mountains and all I could think of was my daughter and those kids out on that peak.  My older son and friend decided to hike in one more time before we called the Search and Rescue.  My youngest was trying to calm me down..."Mom, it's not helpful to panic" and I wanted to smack him.  I was in a panic and that was that.  I finally decided that we would have to call for help and we picked 9:45 pm to call the sheriff.  We sat and sat and looked for head lamps and didn't see any.  Then, through the darkness, we noticed light in the darkness.  Light in the darkness...on a church campout...how appropriate!  Running toward the car was my oldest "we found them"..."Who"..."All of them with Dad too!"   I looked at the clock in the car and it said 9:43!

The story on the peak went like this...the kids were in the saddle and realized that they were screwed.  It was too long to hike back up to Columbia but Harvard was far away.  My daughter, the oldest, decided they just needed to keep going to Harvard and then find the trail.  They peaked at 5:30.  They were tired, almost out of water and needed to get down...so they did.  It wasn't easy and they battled alot of fatigue.  When it was getting dark, the Queen heard a voice calling her name.  It was off in the distance but she recognized that it was her father.  He was in the woods, no water, no flash light looking for those kids.  When she got to him, she ran into his arms and apologized and then sobbed.  He comforted her and they headed down.  It took more than 2 hours to get off of that mountain and into the car.  We estimated that the kids hiked about 20 miles that day.  Jim hiked about 15.

We slowly drove away...all the hikers and the kids in the car.  Jim didn't say much but was chugging soda because he was so thirsty.  My youngest had stopped puking and the complaints were about how hungry they were and what they were going to eat when we got back to the campsite.  I grabbed Jim's hand and drove home.

When we arrived at camp, the group who didn't hike came to the car and started offering hugs, tears and food.  I had a margarita in my hand before I could ask for anything.  The mood of thankfulness and relief was in the night air.  Turns out...the folks back at camp had called the sheriff and Search and rescue already because they were worried for the worst.

It's funny how things turn out.  I was so mad...so mad at my husband.  I am sure now that he was so mad at me too.  After about 8pm that night, none of that mattered.  What mattered was getting those kids off the mountain and safe with us.  The rest was just a power play that I tend to use more than I should.  I guess the man is a keeper.   Why is it that I need these times of crisis to realize that?

Hope your labor day was good and safe and restful and that you held those loved ones real close...

We'll tawk soon,
I love you all,