I haven't had the heart to write lately. I have been in, what I call, "The Purple funk" and it has been a tough one to shake. I was thinking about when I started down the path of "funk-ness" and I can't remember. I generally lurk around it for a time before I fall deep into it. When the summer ended and school started, I guess that was when I began to fall. I realized today when I recieved a text from my friend referring to a pedicure to cure "the purple funk" and then later, when I got a phone call from a client who didn't recognize my voice..."You don't sound like yourself, are you sick?" that is was taking over my life. I am even having trouble pretending to myself that I am ok.
Today is day 1 of getting out of the "purple funk". I decided this morning, that it was time. As I struggled to get out of bed and put my feet on the floor, I started to remember what today was going to look like. There was a spinning class that I was planning on, seeing patients that I love, and then getting ready for the marching band competition on Tuesday. There is nothing better than watching my boys out on the field along with 95 others and then feeding them. I truly love to do that...to cook the food, talk to the kids and build them up. I probably love that because I can get out of my own head and see the joy and pride that has nothing to do with me when they come off the field.
Spinning was hard and there were points in the class when I felt like I was going to puke. I faced the mirror and it is really tough to look at myself these days. I just can't stand what I see. But I made it through. I headed to see a patient that will be gone by next week at this time. He is being taken care of beautifully and his family is doing a great job loving him up. I got in my car and thought to myself..."You think you have problems?" Picked up my youngest from school, got home and cooked spagetti for 96. My son and I made two cakes. We always make a cake for this competition to wish them luck. I had a great dinner with my son, the senior, and cleaned up the kitchen while he kept me company. He talked about his life and then picked up the ukelele to strum along with a song playing on Pandora. Then, he talked me into throwing him some passes with the football in the driveway.
I think I should be ashamed. I have alot going on that is so positive and I am lucky...I really am. It's just that some days, for some reason...I can't find one thing positive in my life. I can't let things roll off of my shoulders and be thankful. Depression runs in my family and why I think I would be immune is beyond me...why I wouldn't need help. But there are blocks of time and have been when I am just ashamed of being down...and to be totally honest, it sucks.
It's been good to get this on paper...to begin to keep myself accountable to the fact that it's not fair to subject my family to this "funk" when I could get help... be it a talk with a counselor or some medication to change my brain chemistry.
Today was a good day...it really was. But I still think it's time for some brain work...and I am going to put that on my to-do list tommorrow.
Good night, and I wish you peace...and I wish for peace for me too.
We'll tawk soon,
I love you all,