Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Can I handle the seasons of my life...I don't know.

I haven't written much lately...and I miss you all.  I have been immersed in life, I guess.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  The Queen came home from college for a few weeks...

Mother's Day came and went as well as my son's 18th birthday...

he managed to finish high school...

I had a graduation party for him...

And I worked.  I tended to the sick and dying, really, I did.   I also managed to keep working out.  I think that's why I could keep going.  

Before I knew it, Jim's sisters were gone, the Queen had left for her summer job and school is over.  In a few short months, I will be down to one kid.  I never thought that I would be there.  Never...

It's taking some avoidance to keep from falling apart and wondering if I can go on...you see, I am a mother.  A "go to all the activities, cheer on my kid, make the food for, plan the party for, class mother, take pictures for the prom for" mother.  It didn't leave time for much else.

Tonight I came home after work to an empty house.  Jim was at the Rockies with some guys from work, the boys were at baseball practice and then off to church and the Queen is gone for the summer.  Alone...no dinner to make for hungry teen age boys, no homework to be chided to do, and no things to "discuss" over dinner.  Alone...

I made myself a big chicken salad and poured my pink wine...all the while wondering what it's going to be like when they are really gone.  I wonder...Some people tell me it's just awesome to get them raised and spend time with their husband or wife...I am not so sure that is going to be so awesome.

Not that it won't be nice to get to know Jim again...to find out what his hopes and dreams are now that we have lived what we thought were our hopes and dreams but...I love being a mother.  I love making 50 pounds of pulled pork for a graduation party and having kids all over my house playing guitars...I love calling them for dinner and saying our prayers around the table before we eat but watching the boys sneak food.  I love to watch Howie pretend he only had 2 sodas when I know he's had 3.  I just can't believe that I am down to it...down to the last one to wake up for school in the morning and sit at his baseball games.  The last one to watch march on the high school football field and feel that rush of tears when the show is complete.  

Where did the time go?  Please tell me...where?  Because I thought I was doing all I could to live those times...to love those times and those kids...but I want just a little bit more.  

It's kind of like my job...to help the folks I care for live every second because we can't get them back...It's the same.  I wonder though, did I live every second and as I told my daughter to when she was the high school drum major..."love very minute of it because it's an honor" and I agree...I need to love every  minute of this "mothering" because I'll tell you what...it's over in the blink of an eye and it is an honor.

So what do you think?  Is time going as fast for you?  Do you get to the end of the week and wonder where the time went?  I know I do.  Is there a solution...to turn back the hands of time?  Would you do it if you could?  

I leave you with some sweet music from Fleetwood Mac...Enjoy!

We'll tawk tomorrow,
I love you all,

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Discipline or torture...

You know how "they" say that there is a fine line between pleasure and pain?  I am here to tell you...there is also a fine line between discipline and torture when it comes to getting fit and following a diet.

I have been going to Nick's Pro fitness for 39 days...and because of that, I have not had a piece of bread, a noodle of pasta and nothing that could even be mistaken for a sweet.  I am eating meat and veggies for dinner, usually nothing for lunch and an apple, banana and a glass of orange juice for breakfast.  I have cheated a little bit but it has only been with my pink wine.  That's it...Oh and hitting the gym 6 days a week.

I got on the scale this morning and realized that this is not discipline...this is torture.  I am down 15 pounds and am stronger, but I am still fat, jiggly and unhappy. 

I was hoping to look decent in the pictures for my son's graduation but I am not too sure that it is going to be.  Funny thing about pictures though...usually when I look at them years later, I realize I didn't look as bad as I thought.  

I had to make a collage for Mac to be on the wall during the graduation events, so I went through tons of old pictures to pick out the ones I love.  I realized that in the almost 25 years of being married, I was thin twice.  The rest of the time, I was big...sometimes really big and other times, tolerable.  I mentioned that to my husband and he said, " Not twice, honey, I think you were thin three times since we were married."  I had to laugh at his response...I guess it bothers me alot more than it bothers him.

Tomorrow is Atomic Friday at Nicks.  We start out with mountain climbers, 4 counts and progress to jumps.  The room is about 100 degrees and I am covered with sweat before the class even gets going.  By the end of the class, I can hear myself moaning while I do the exercises and the fatigue is almost unbearable.  Then it's over, we finish with 50 mountain climbers, stretch and we've all  made it through the class.  It will be my 35th class in 40 days...not bad for an old, chubby almost 48 year old mother, huh?

Torture, discipline...pleasure and pain.  I have to say that in the last 40 days, I have experienced all of those feelings in this exercise class.  And...I am 15 pounds lighter. 

We'll tawk tomorrow,
I love you all,

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Sweet moments...

I have been living in the profound lately...with lots of  deep, incredibly moving moments when I feel like I am peeking into relationships that are secret.  When I spend time there, I become somewhat "full of myself" and think that I am different than other people, that I deserve to get those glimpses.  Well, I don't "deserve" anything...I get them because I am there at the right time.

At the same time, I have been feeling disconnected from my relationships and connected to others and to be totally honest, feeling a little jealous.  I feel so stupid and shameful on a lot of levels but also just how I feel.

I decided to grow up and be a big girl and get over it.  On Saturday, after I went to my boot camp, I came home and started pulling weeds, planning for summer and enjoying the sun.  Jim and the boys came home from a baseball game and asked me what I was doing.  I explained that I was getting ready for summer and the  next thing I knew, the weed whacker was out, the patio furniture was getting pulled out from under the tarp and summer had arrived.  I was thrilled and surprised at the attention I had received from not only my husband but my two boys.  I was so happy.

We sat at our patio furniture and I asked what the gang wanted for dinner hoping Jim would pipe up and say, "let's go out" and before I started to name the usual dinners...it was decided, we were going out.  Not only were we going out, but we decided to get dressed up and go to the Chart House..."and I'm gonna have a whiskey"...Jim said.  

We got ready and went.  I began to worry that we didn't have a reservation and we wouldn't get to eat.  Jim didn't care... and when we got there, we went straight to the bar and sat down.  The waitress came over and asked if we wanted menus for the bar and I replied, "No, we're just drinking..." and she laughed and brought our drinks.  We sat and talked...and talked.  I found myself trying to hold his hand, touch his arm and look at him when he talked.  That does not happen at our dinner table for sure.

We finally ordered dinner...in the bar.  We continued to eat and talk and at this point, after two drinks....solve the world's problems. It was such a sweet night talking about the kids and the future and how lucky we are .  All the resentment of the past few weeks washed away and I felt lucky to be married to such a nice guy.

We left the Chart House and decided we wanted to listen to some music.  We headed to Little Bear in Evergreen. We may very well have been one of the oldest couples at the bar.  We didn't care.  We sat and watched the shenanigans of a dude our age in a V-neck looking for love and took stock of our own situation.  We decided, after Jim had his obligatory shot of tequila, that it was time to go home.   

We arrived home, connected to each other...to find our senior in high school waiting up for us and talking about how he was getting ready to go find us because we didn't answer the phone.  Kind of a switch from how it usually is huh?  He gave us the sobriety test and we sent him to bed somewhat satisfied but surprised that Mom was the designated driver!

Sometimes, I find my heart softens at the oddest times.  Jim and the boys came home from baseball tonight and I told him I was remembering our date...I could tell I surprised him because I had let down my thick, hard shell that he tells me is getting harder and thicker as I age.  

Always something to work on...huh?

We'll tawk tomorrow,
I love you all,

Friday, May 4, 2012

Another one leaving the nest...

Last night was prom...or is it...the prom?  I always thought that you went to "the prom" and not prom...but I have been corrected lately so I guess you go to "prom".  Anyway, my son and his girl went and looked more adorable than you can imagine.  Here's my favorite picture...

My boy is growing up.  He is headed to CU in the fall and will be marching in the Golden Buffalo Marching band with his sister.  As I have written in the past, I was sure that this guy would be the death of me.  He was busy from the start, a worry every year with teachers and has a sense of humor that even when I wanted to kill him, he could make me laugh.  And now, I am looking at him graduating from high school and leaving the nest. 

I am starting to feel sadness that he is leaving the nest...can you believe that?  I remember when he was little, sitting on the floor of the kitchen playing with the pots and pans, banging them together, dragging more and more out while I was getting ready to go to work for a evening shift.  I always wanted to make it easier for Jim to handle the kids when I was working so I was getting frustrated with Mac.  I told him, this toddler, to put the pots away and stop banging them over and over.    I got in his face, squared his shoulders and told him to stop doing that...he looked me in the eye and said, "NO".  I smacked him pretty hard before I realized what I had done.  I was so ashamed...grabbed him up and told him I was sorry.  I realized then the amount of emotion that he caused in me.  I loved him so much but he was also so difficult that I decided I would never lay a hand on him again in anger.  And to be honest, I haven't.  My point of that story is, I was and still am so attached to him.  It is going to be hard to see him go.

I have sat at every baseball game, every band competition and concert, every cross country meet and if we were lucky enought to get a school award...that too.  I have dreaded every teacher conference and been pleasantly surprised at a few.  I have turned the parenting over to Jim at times because I am so enamored with him and Jim can stand his ground, and I have watched him stand in front of a group of middle schoolers and talk about how he felt when he was bullied. 

I am going to miss him alot.  That's not to say that he isn't going to test my every fiber this summer.  You see, he realizes that he is going to be 18 soon and moving out.  He is ready to go and lets me know on a regular basis.  But, this kid has a heart that I know will get him places.  He is a kind hearted kid and knows what its like to be the "back up" catcher, slower runner on cross country team and how to make a group of people laugh.  I know once he settles in at college ( and I hope it doesn't take too long) he will do well.

I've been addressing invites for his graduation picnic and thinking of all the people that helped him become who he is and counting my blessings.  It took alot more folks than Jim and I and his sister and brother...

So on the 27th of May, if you want to stop by and wish Mac well, join us for the picnic.    I'd like to thank you for all your help in person...

We'll tawk tommorrow,
I love you all,

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Still alive but I'm barely breathing...

Today was a month of boot camp and I finished.  That was my goal.  But, in the month that I spent sweating and working out, I realized a few things.  I am stronger than I think and I deserve to spend time on me.  For the first two weeks, I felt guilty that I showed up at 9 am and didn't finish my work out until 10:45.  The voices in my head berated me as I showered and headed out to see patients.  But then, as the days progressed, I realized that I need to work my body (as big as it is) and every so often it's okay to work on me.  It was a revelation that I am slowly accepting. 

This month has been a difficult one.  I wrote about the "good boy" who is gone due to a tragic accident and how that shifted the world on its axis.  Well, on Saturday, I went to a fireman's funeral and felt another shift.  This man, this husband, father, firefighter, fierce warrior and gentle soul was honored.  It was a moving service and one of the deepest sadnesses I have felt.  This man will be truly missed.

It is an unsettled time for me.  I am so deeply entwined in peoples lives at such sad times and I know it is an honor and I am supposed to be there, but the pain of loss makes me become jaded.  I hear myself, when people are telling me their daily, what I deem, insignificant problems, saying "Life is just hard, and it is for everyone at some time" instead of offering a shoulder to cry on or an empathetic ear. 

Saturday, at the funeral, the pastor preached about the verse from Micah, "Do justice. Love mercy and walk humbly with God."  Listening to the sermon and focusing on that sentence helped me understand a lack of control that I am feeling about suffering and death.  The fact that really, no one has control and it is a mirage that I keep in my head for comfort.  When I walk into a young mother's home and she has been told that there is no more treatment for her cancer, and she is sweetly talking to her children to go play while "the nurse and I talk", I feel like if  I can just help control things and if I help her hold on tight enough, the cancer won't win and those kids will not lose their mom.  But I always lose that battle of control.  Always...and it's not as if I don't know that walking in.  I just wish things were different and if I wish hard enough and control things hard enough, I will win...but like I said, I don't.

So I go to the gym  now...6 days a week.  I get on the scale and hope it is trending down and I am proud of the results.  It's good stuff and yes, I am down 14 pounds and haven't had a piece of bread or a noodle for a month and I am surviving. 

Don't get me wrong, I sound like all I do is death but honestly I have a little balance.  My sons are finishing their baseball season and I am so proud of watching them play.  My older son is going to the prom on Thursday with his girl and they will be very cute.  I get to help the make dinner at one of the boy's houses before prom and take pictures...I am allowed and with a 17 year old boy, that is an honor.  I am busily getting graduation announcements out and planning a picnic for my boy when he graduates (we hope!)  I am also getting the house ready for company and trying to mend fences with my husband...but that's a whole other blog topic.  Oh, and the Queen got to play her horn for the President when he showed up at CU. 

Sometimes though, I have to admit, that my soul gets tired and I run out of steam.  I can't cry another tear and I can't hug another family and explain that they will go on and it won't be the same, it won't ever be the same, but they will make it.  They will not forget their soul mate, mother, father or child and after a while,  the memory won't sting and the tears will be slower to fall down their cheeks.  They will think of their love and smile, wishing things were different but knowing what they had and still have...the love and memories.

As I was finishing that sentence last night, the phone rang and another family member was uttering the words, " She's gone."  "I'll be right over" I said softly and threw my clothes back on.  Sometimes it does feel like all I do is death and as I drove over to comfort the family, I realized that it is what I am supposed to and love to do. 

So today...as I try to end my blog with some thought to ponder, I don't have one.  I went to bed late, and am up early again.  Ironing boys shirts so they can dress up on game day, making lunches, and headed off to the gym.  That's how it's been going around here lately...and I wouldn't have it any other way.

We'll tawk tommorrow,
I love you all,