Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Still alive but I'm barely breathing...

Today was a month of boot camp and I finished.  That was my goal.  But, in the month that I spent sweating and working out, I realized a few things.  I am stronger than I think and I deserve to spend time on me.  For the first two weeks, I felt guilty that I showed up at 9 am and didn't finish my work out until 10:45.  The voices in my head berated me as I showered and headed out to see patients.  But then, as the days progressed, I realized that I need to work my body (as big as it is) and every so often it's okay to work on me.  It was a revelation that I am slowly accepting. 

This month has been a difficult one.  I wrote about the "good boy" who is gone due to a tragic accident and how that shifted the world on its axis.  Well, on Saturday, I went to a fireman's funeral and felt another shift.  This man, this husband, father, firefighter, fierce warrior and gentle soul was honored.  It was a moving service and one of the deepest sadnesses I have felt.  This man will be truly missed.

It is an unsettled time for me.  I am so deeply entwined in peoples lives at such sad times and I know it is an honor and I am supposed to be there, but the pain of loss makes me become jaded.  I hear myself, when people are telling me their daily, what I deem, insignificant problems, saying "Life is just hard, and it is for everyone at some time" instead of offering a shoulder to cry on or an empathetic ear. 

Saturday, at the funeral, the pastor preached about the verse from Micah, "Do justice. Love mercy and walk humbly with God."  Listening to the sermon and focusing on that sentence helped me understand a lack of control that I am feeling about suffering and death.  The fact that really, no one has control and it is a mirage that I keep in my head for comfort.  When I walk into a young mother's home and she has been told that there is no more treatment for her cancer, and she is sweetly talking to her children to go play while "the nurse and I talk", I feel like if  I can just help control things and if I help her hold on tight enough, the cancer won't win and those kids will not lose their mom.  But I always lose that battle of control.  Always...and it's not as if I don't know that walking in.  I just wish things were different and if I wish hard enough and control things hard enough, I will win...but like I said, I don't.

So I go to the gym  now...6 days a week.  I get on the scale and hope it is trending down and I am proud of the results.  It's good stuff and yes, I am down 14 pounds and haven't had a piece of bread or a noodle for a month and I am surviving. 

Don't get me wrong, I sound like all I do is death but honestly I have a little balance.  My sons are finishing their baseball season and I am so proud of watching them play.  My older son is going to the prom on Thursday with his girl and they will be very cute.  I get to help the make dinner at one of the boy's houses before prom and take pictures...I am allowed and with a 17 year old boy, that is an honor.  I am busily getting graduation announcements out and planning a picnic for my boy when he graduates (we hope!)  I am also getting the house ready for company and trying to mend fences with my husband...but that's a whole other blog topic.  Oh, and the Queen got to play her horn for the President when he showed up at CU. 

Sometimes though, I have to admit, that my soul gets tired and I run out of steam.  I can't cry another tear and I can't hug another family and explain that they will go on and it won't be the same, it won't ever be the same, but they will make it.  They will not forget their soul mate, mother, father or child and after a while,  the memory won't sting and the tears will be slower to fall down their cheeks.  They will think of their love and smile, wishing things were different but knowing what they had and still have...the love and memories.

As I was finishing that sentence last night, the phone rang and another family member was uttering the words, " She's gone."  "I'll be right over" I said softly and threw my clothes back on.  Sometimes it does feel like all I do is death and as I drove over to comfort the family, I realized that it is what I am supposed to and love to do. 

So today...as I try to end my blog with some thought to ponder, I don't have one.  I went to bed late, and am up early again.  Ironing boys shirts so they can dress up on game day, making lunches, and headed off to the gym.  That's how it's been going around here lately...and I wouldn't have it any other way.

We'll tawk tommorrow,
I love you all,

1 comment:

janzi said...

Well, Dear Girl, I take my hat off to you!! to do what you are doing and having to try and provide a little quietness in all their sadness, must take a toll on your feelings and senses too.. I am not surprised that at times it gets you down. You are being their administering angel and that is bound to be wearing and tiring too!!!.. Your heart must be huge to manage this day by day.. but thank goodness there are people like you that are there to help in the confusion of grief. Your sons sound well adjusted so you are truly doing something right at home with your family.. I hope that you manage to get your connection with husband back on track, and I hope you get some well deserved rest soon,the weekend isnt so far away now!! hugs and hugs from across the pond.. janzi