Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Can I handle the seasons of my life...I don't know.

I haven't written much lately...and I miss you all.  I have been immersed in life, I guess.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  The Queen came home from college for a few weeks...

Mother's Day came and went as well as my son's 18th birthday...

he managed to finish high school...

I had a graduation party for him...

And I worked.  I tended to the sick and dying, really, I did.   I also managed to keep working out.  I think that's why I could keep going.  

Before I knew it, Jim's sisters were gone, the Queen had left for her summer job and school is over.  In a few short months, I will be down to one kid.  I never thought that I would be there.  Never...

It's taking some avoidance to keep from falling apart and wondering if I can go on...you see, I am a mother.  A "go to all the activities, cheer on my kid, make the food for, plan the party for, class mother, take pictures for the prom for" mother.  It didn't leave time for much else.

Tonight I came home after work to an empty house.  Jim was at the Rockies with some guys from work, the boys were at baseball practice and then off to church and the Queen is gone for the summer.  Alone...no dinner to make for hungry teen age boys, no homework to be chided to do, and no things to "discuss" over dinner.  Alone...

I made myself a big chicken salad and poured my pink wine...all the while wondering what it's going to be like when they are really gone.  I wonder...Some people tell me it's just awesome to get them raised and spend time with their husband or wife...I am not so sure that is going to be so awesome.

Not that it won't be nice to get to know Jim again...to find out what his hopes and dreams are now that we have lived what we thought were our hopes and dreams but...I love being a mother.  I love making 50 pounds of pulled pork for a graduation party and having kids all over my house playing guitars...I love calling them for dinner and saying our prayers around the table before we eat but watching the boys sneak food.  I love to watch Howie pretend he only had 2 sodas when I know he's had 3.  I just can't believe that I am down to it...down to the last one to wake up for school in the morning and sit at his baseball games.  The last one to watch march on the high school football field and feel that rush of tears when the show is complete.  

Where did the time go?  Please tell me...where?  Because I thought I was doing all I could to live those times...to love those times and those kids...but I want just a little bit more.  

It's kind of like my job...to help the folks I care for live every second because we can't get them back...It's the same.  I wonder though, did I live every second and as I told my daughter to when she was the high school drum major..."love very minute of it because it's an honor" and I agree...I need to love every  minute of this "mothering" because I'll tell you what...it's over in the blink of an eye and it is an honor.

So what do you think?  Is time going as fast for you?  Do you get to the end of the week and wonder where the time went?  I know I do.  Is there a solution...to turn back the hands of time?  Would you do it if you could?  

I leave you with some sweet music from Fleetwood Mac...Enjoy!

We'll tawk tomorrow,
I love you all,


Anonymous said...

When I read your blog I know that I am six years behind you with the kids' ages. I like reading about how you cook for and do things with your hungry boys. Sigh, yes, it is going by too fast. My oldest will be a jr in high school. Will he really be ready in two yrs to actually live somewhere else?
My youngest is starting middle school and he seems younger than when the oldest started, but that is because he is the baby.
--Michele R.

Ms. Moon said...

You can't stop time. You just can't. For one second maybe, but that's it. But just when you think your life has completely ground to a halt when the kids leave, something else steps in, not to take their place but it will keep you busy. I swear.
Remember when Lily was born? Of course you do. You were there. And now I could spend every day if wanted to with her and her boys. A two-year old grandson will keep you busy, believe me.
Don't be afraid of this coming-up time without children. YOU HAVE DONE YOUR JOB. We are supposed to raise our babies in such a way that they can leave the nest and live without our constant attention. Cruel? No. The way it is supposed to be.
And they will always need you on some level.
Maybe you and Jim should buy an RV. Then when the kids start having your grandkids, you can take THEM on trips.
Oh girl. You'll be okay. It's going to be hard, but you'll be okay.
Because you are amazing.

Elizabeth said...

I look on that time, fastly approaching, with a bit of dread myself. We'll figure it out -- we will.

Terry Joy said...

People say that those times, the middle school times are hard and they are. But they are also memories and time that we have before they fly the coop. Here's to loving every minute of all of it...and I mean all.

Ms Moon,
I love you, your right and you were with me when Mac was born...a precious time that I will never forget. Never. Did I tell you I love you and you are right?

As Ms Moon said so eloquently...by then, YOU HAVE DONE YOUR JOB! and she is right. It's just that I hate to have to look for another job...but We will figure it out-we will.

Love you all,

Janice said...

Your words are meaningful to me, as is the song. Reflection Reflection We've done SO much giving and doing in our life times and still, it's steady as she goes mateys! I hooked up with you from Ms Moons blog... thank you both!