I have been living in the profound lately...with lots of deep, incredibly moving moments when I feel like I am peeking into relationships that are secret. When I spend time there, I become somewhat "full of myself" and think that I am different than other people, that I deserve to get those glimpses. Well, I don't "deserve" anything...I get them because I am there at the right time.
At the same time, I have been feeling disconnected from my relationships and connected to others and to be totally honest, feeling a little jealous. I feel so stupid and shameful on a lot of levels but also just how I feel.
I decided to grow up and be a big girl and get over it. On Saturday, after I went to my boot camp, I came home and started pulling weeds, planning for summer and enjoying the sun. Jim and the boys came home from a baseball game and asked me what I was doing. I explained that I was getting ready for summer and the next thing I knew, the weed whacker was out, the patio furniture was getting pulled out from under the tarp and summer had arrived. I was thrilled and surprised at the attention I had received from not only my husband but my two boys. I was so happy.
We sat at our patio furniture and I asked what the gang wanted for dinner hoping Jim would pipe up and say, "let's go out" and before I started to name the usual dinners...it was decided, we were going out. Not only were we going out, but we decided to get dressed up and go to the Chart House..."and I'm gonna have a whiskey"...Jim said.
We got ready and went. I began to worry that we didn't have a reservation and we wouldn't get to eat. Jim didn't care... and when we got there, we went straight to the bar and sat down. The waitress came over and asked if we wanted menus for the bar and I replied, "No, we're just drinking..." and she laughed and brought our drinks. We sat and talked...and talked. I found myself trying to hold his hand, touch his arm and look at him when he talked. That does not happen at our dinner table for sure.
We finally ordered dinner...in the bar. We continued to eat and talk and at this point, after two drinks....solve the world's problems. It was such a sweet night talking about the kids and the future and how lucky we are . All the resentment of the past few weeks washed away and I felt lucky to be married to such a nice guy.
We left the Chart House and decided we wanted to listen to some music. We headed to Little Bear in Evergreen. We may very well have been one of the oldest couples at the bar. We didn't care. We sat and watched the shenanigans of a dude our age in a V-neck looking for love and took stock of our own situation. We decided, after Jim had his obligatory shot of tequila, that it was time to go home.
We arrived home, connected to each other...to find our senior in high school waiting up for us and talking about how he was getting ready to go find us because we didn't answer the phone. Kind of a switch from how it usually is huh? He gave us the sobriety test and we sent him to bed somewhat satisfied but surprised that Mom was the designated driver!
Sometimes, I find my heart softens at the oddest times. Jim and the boys came home from baseball tonight and I told him I was remembering our date...I could tell I surprised him because I had let down my thick, hard shell that he tells me is getting harder and thicker as I age.
Always something to work on...huh?
We'll tawk tomorrow,
I love you all,