Finishing strong

 I have been making decisions and then acting on them.  One of my decisions I made at the end of February, early March, is to change jobs.  I will be leaving my current job at the end of the week and starting another job early April.  I did this with lots of thought and lots of pride and sadness as I loved my job and I always thought I would retire from it.

I am learning a lot about change and about what I call "finishing strong."  When Jim and I had sent 2 out of 3 to college and Howie was still home, I fought the urge to stop making nightly dinners and having dinner as a family.  I had done that for all the years that we had everyone home and thought, well, does that really matter as it is just Jim and I and Howie probably doesn't want to hear our old parent advice.  I mean, he had heard it twice before as the other two were seniors in high school.  But I did it...I would text Howie every day, ask him what he wanted for dinner, and he and I would cook together and then Jim, Howie and I would  sit down for a great meal.  It made my heart sing to hang out with him and honestly, the kid is a great cook!

So now to finish strong as I leave one job and move to the next.  I have done my best nursing at this job and also have done my worst.  I learned how to be in other people shoes and have learned to meet people where they are.  I have cried with countless family members and empowered them to finish strong when their loves were leaving them. I have worked with amazing nurses that turned into people I managed and became their boss.  I stopped being the caregiver to patients and became the caretaker to the nurses.  I tried to honor their difficult, emotional work and walk the tightrope of managing them.  I tried to be a servant leader....serve them while they served others.  At times I did an okay job and others I did not.  The last thing I tried to do was help them understand the gifts they bring and to understand what an honor it is to be with families when they are losing a love, and  to teach them how to help that family finish strong.  

I think about my journey, with a cancer diagnosis in June of 21, and metastatic diagnosis in February 22 and then a scan to see which way things are going every 3-4 months.  I admit, I have been very lucky.  June of 21, when I got the diagnosis and had surgery to get that kidney out, my kids showed up and in the days following, they have never left.  Those who know me, know that the sun rises and sets on my 3. They all ended up less than an hour away, and I see them frequently.  If I need them, they are there.  Jim and I are learning to live with a different focus that does not look out far into the future. We look at trying to make the best of every day together.  Some days are the best and some days are certainly not.  We try not to sweat the small stuff which is easier said than done and we are trying to be kind to each other at all costs.  Like I said...some days are better than others and we are trying. After almost 35 years of marriage, we know how to push each others buttons.  The days and months go by and we try to do things we love together and apart.  We go on...

Living with cancer is a mind game.  In the beginning, I will admit, it paralyzed me.  I struggled with how to think and what to think and my focus became to finish strong.  I thought about how I need to tell everyone who I love what they mean to me at every turn.  I still believe that... however I don't come on as strong.  Now that I am going into year 3 with little change in my health,  I am slowing down and trying to live entirely in the moment most of my days.  I am figuring out what I want and what moments I want as I have no guarantees that life will give me those moments again. Really, when you think about it, life gives no one guarantees. A person with cancer is just more keenly aware I guess. 

Living with cancer is like waiting for the next shoe to drop but trying not to think about it.  It's taking inventory of your body every day, the aches and pains, the side effects from the medicines you are on and then moving on.  It's doing the things you love to do and focusing on those things and then doing the things you have to do in daily life and moving on.  When you are living with cancer, you still have to do laundry, make meals, pay bills and clean the house.  You still have to show up for your family and on days when the sadness takes over, you bow out of life a bit and rest...knowing that when you open your eyes and the sun came up the next day and you are here...It's a gift.

For me, it's about "finishing strong".

We'll tawk soon.

I love you all.

Terry