Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Let's catch up...

I woke up today and realized that it's the last day of January.  Good bye and good luck!  I made some serious resolutions that have turned into a joke, spent time healing my 'retrocalcaneal bursitis" with food and wine, that 11 pounds icon on the right is probably up 11 at this point ...and now to begin the transition of the middle child leaving for college in the fall. 

Mac holding his college admission letter!
 My boy got accepted last week after some "issues" with the application. 
He applied to be admitted by the 15th of January and on the 15th, he got a message that he didn't have all the forms in.  "Yes you do" I said with a tone of voice like the folks at CU were just stupid.  "Call them and tell them they're wrong" I told my boy.  He called that day and the cute girl on the other end told him that he was missing the information about his criminal record!  In his rush to get the forms filled out, he checked yes for felonies, and suspensions!  Thankfully, we have not had to deal with anything like that...yet!!!  To fix it was equally interesting...download the "I checked yes and meant no" form and get it to them.  Done and Done...but made for tense times and interesting discussion in our house.

We were sitting at the dinner table last night and the boys started belching loud...I mean...the kind of burps that could win awards.  Jim raised his voice and said, "That's enough."  My youngest shot back at him and told him, "Mom burps like that all the time" and Jim looked at me and shot back, "Not tonight, though."  My youngest went on to say that "Mom started it a long time ago and now we just burp". 

I had to get in on the argument, so of course I said "So Howie, if I started wearing diapers and pooping my pants, would you do that just because I did?"  The room fell silent and Jim turned to me and as he put his hands over his face..."Did you have to go straight to the pooping your pants example, or could you have used a different one?" We all busted out laughing because once again I am so predictable!

I like routine and I have yet to have one materialize.  Without the gym every day...ok...every few days, I don't have the push to get going.  The weather isn't even routine these days.  The end of January is usually cold and darkish with snow.  This month has been warm, unseasonably so, and then gray and cold.  Hard to know what is going on. 

I spent a few days in Florida to see my family.  It was great but also difficult.  Every year when I go to Florida and see my siblings, at some point, we talk about who is going to be sick or gone the next time we get together.  I always think its going to be me, as my husband tells me when I mention a malady, "You're always dying of something"  and my siblings say no, its going to be me or I am the one or talk like that.  Well, this time, there is a sick one and like I mentioned in my last blog, it is difficult to know how to help.    The nurse part of me wants to take over and the family part of me just wants it to go away.  Damn you, cancer...go away!

I got tons of kudos for the tractor story as if I made that happen without help.  The story was sort of a public relations story for our agency because that kind of thing doesn't happen very much.  It was put in the local papers and people called me and left messages on my answering machine telling me how wonderful I was.  Yeah, right.  That kind of thing makes me so uncomfortable and want to climb under a rock.  I love to hear that I have done a good job with my patients and helped the families, but I am totally uncomfortable with the attention when it is more than that.  It makes me feel wierd.

My family and I have decided that we are going to forego Nicaragua this summer.  I have such mixed feelings about that too.  I love going, once I get there, and I love the people.  But, sometimes, there are things that are not meant to be and this summer, it is  not meant to be.  We are going to Juarez in March with Casas Por Christo.  I am looking forward to that trip as I have never gone with my family.  The last time I went to Mexico was in 2001 and that was with other people's kids.  I look forward to watching my boys and the Queen speak spanish and work their butts off!

Baseball season is upon us.  The boys went to the first winter hitting practice last Saturday morning.  The boys will try out at the end of February for the high school baseball team.  Because in Colorado, especially in the mountains, winter comes and stays, they have to practice before the try out...they get rusty.  In my boys case, they grew...alot...and have to work out the kinks of gangly, growing limbs as well.  It should be interesting.  Oh, and the hair cut for baseball...

My tractor lady is still a big source of joy...and her family is doing an amazing job caring for her.  We all should be so lucky when it is our time. 

The sunset last night... 

And the sunrise this morning was beautiful...

So I wonder what I am complaining about.  Today is upon me and I better get going.  I don't know what to say except that I am pretty lucky.  While I was sitting here, my husband walked up to tell me what a lucky guy he is to have our family...and I think I believe him.  Sometimes when I don't have an ounce of sunshine in my soul, he tends to have enough for both of us.  I don't know how but he does. 

I wish I had that kind of positivity, but generally, I don't.  I guess I'll have to take some from his...he lives in a dream world of sorts and I have to say, it's better living there than where I live alot of the time.  He is a lucky guy!

That's enough for today...
We'll tawk tommorrow,
I love you all,

Friday, January 27, 2012


It's Friday night and my house is quiet except for the click, click, click of the bunny drinking from his bunny bottle.  Jim and the kids are up on the mountain riding...for those of you who don't know the snow lingo..that is the word for snowboarding.  Why we have to have another word for a perfectly good word...that I do not know.

Anyway, I have been gone for the last two weekends.  The weekend before, I was at the middle school youth gathering for the lutheran church as the nurse.  There were 650 middle schoolers there and I volunteered to watch over them.  Talk about being crazy, eh? 

Last weekend, I was in Florida visiting my family.  I have a family member who is battling cancer and while I believe he is going to come through the fire...it was a tough time.

Now I'm home.  There are teenagers to manage, a house to try to resurrect from the rubble and patients to tend to...oh, yes, and there is my husband.

When I got home on Monday, he met me at Staples with my "nurse bag" so I could get to work.  When I called him to thank him during the day, he mentioned that we needed to go on a date Friday night to listen to music.  Yeah, Ok, I said without enthusiasm.  "A date at our age with a wife who looks like me"  I thought.  He proceeded to set up the plan for the night...go riding with the kids, and they will drop him off at the bar and I will be there waiting.  We can drink and dance and have a great time.  "I'm really looking forward to it" he told me.

The week went on a usual in the house with everyone doing what they do.  Wednesdays are usually work for Jim and I, school for the boys, and then Youth group at church for the boys and I teach confirmation.  No dinner as a family this night.  He mentioned it again before bed that we were going out on Friday.

It's not that I don't love my husband dearly...well, I mean...I do...but sometimes...But, I am in a funny place with who I am "looks-wise".  I am battling the bulge...rolls...mounds of fat and just don't feel very desirable.  I always battle but some years it is better than others.  This year, so far, is not going my way.  So, I don't feel desirable, pretty, decent or even worthy of the attention that I am going to get.

I know, I know...how shallow of me...attention and love have nothing to do with how we look really, and I have to say that I don't get wrapped up in that myself.  For me though, I don't give myself break.  I don't know why either.  I have spent some quality time on a therapist's couch and I had so many other issues to deal with that I guess we left that one out.  Now as I approach the 5th decade, it is coming up to bite me.

My husband is a wonderful guy and he works hard and is a great father...maybe he deserves a pretty wife?  Sometimes, I think that thought and even verbalize it.  It's  not that he doesn't tell me I am pretty...because he does.  He tells me daily that he loves me and that he is lucky to be married to me...I think he is lying. 

Me...I am a mess, really.  I have trouble keeping my mouth shut, I say what is on my mind, I keep a terrible house, I get frustrated easily and I don't look too good these days.  What about that picture of a person makes you lucky if you are married to me?  What?

Thursday night came and we had to run errands together.  We made it home and the family firmed up the plan for the evening.  "You and dad are going on a date, Mom?" I heard my high schooler say..."We'll drop him off at the bar and you can call us if you get "snot-slinging" to drive you guys home" he finished.  "We are not going to get "snot-slinging"  I answered when my husband said..."What if we start doing shots of tequila?"  "I may look alot better to myself after a shot or two of tequila" I thought.  "You better be ready to pick us up" I told the boys.

So now it is Friday night and the kids and Jim are riding.  I called the Queen to check where they were and she said, "Dad is real excited about this date, Mom".  "Great" I thought "I guess we're still on."

I am going to head upstairs, try to find something that fits, take a shower...shave my legs...naaah...do my hair, put on some make up and try to look good.  It is going to be a stretch with the way things are going but I have to try.

Maybe, just maybe, while I am driving over, a song will come on from the 80's when Jim and I were figuring out if we wanted to spend our life together and I will be taken back.  Back to the time when I couldn't wait to see him and when I thought about him all the time...and if I have just enough tequila...I may even convince myself I still look like that!  Now that's what I'm talking about...

We'll tawk tommorrow,
I love you all,

Monday, January 16, 2012

Wishes do come true...

On Saturday, a wish came true.  It wasn't one of the usual ones...
wishes of fame, fortune, health or even time.  It was certainly a wish of a different kind but a beautiful granted wish...

As you all know, I spend alot of my time with folks that have been told that they are on their way out.  They have been told to get everything ready for when they are gone.  Sometimes, when I meet them, they are close to that time and the only thing that can be done is pain control, relieving symptoms and trying to give them a sense of peace.  But sometimes, I get to care for them "early" in the process and the symptoms are controlled and the life they are living is pure quality.  Are there times when the days aren't perfect...sure...but who's are, even when you aren't in the last of them?

This is a story of a perfect day and a wish granted.   I have the privelege of caring for an older woman who spent most of her life on a farm, tending to her family and the fields.  Week after week, in between talking about her aches and pains, her appetite and what else is going on, she tells me the stories of the farm, the work and the John Deere Tractor that she drove.  Visit after visit, she would tell her granddaughter that she would like some coffee in her "Johnny" mug.  When her granddaughter would put it on the end table, she would point to the mug with a gleam in her eye and say, "you know, I drove that Johnny, up and down the fields" and begin to tell her story.  When the rest of the team would visit her, they would hear the same stories too.  It was no secret that driving that "Johnny" symbolized a full and wonderful life when she was younger. 

One month turned into two and Thanksgiving passed and her family was happy to have her at the table.  The day after, the Christmas tree was standing in the livingroom and she recieved a beautiful John Deere tractor ornament.  It was on the tree for a short time but then it was taken off so it wouldn't break.  Her granddaughter and I dreamed of her being able to drive a tractor again.  "Wouldn't that be great if Gram could get a tractor ride again?  She would love it."  Team members mentioned it and the powers that be were checking into it and then it faded away...or so I thought.

Christmas came and went, a John Deere puzzle sat on the table from a neighbor, a John Deere cookie jar filled with cookies but no real tractor ride at this point.  "It would be great" her granddaughter told me, "but it will be okay if it doesn't happen." 

In the meantime, as in all my patients eventually...she started fading.   She started to have more bad days and more days when she needed to take more pain meds.  She still was the most pleasant, fiesty lady and I still heard the stories every visit.  Even on her bad days, she sipped coffee out of her "Johnny" mug and remembered the good days on the tractor.

Last week, I got an email from the social workers/grief counselors that they have a gentleman that would love to bring a tractor up for my patient to drive...figure out what day and lets do it.  We planned it for Friday afternoon.  I was so excited and could not believe that it was going to happen.  She was going to get to drive her "Johnny"!

The phone rang on Friday and it was her granddaughter..."Gram doesn't feel good today at all."  Disappointed, the gentleman was called and the tractor ride was cancelled but he said, " I would love to bring it up any time, just call me and let me know".  That afternoon, I went for my visit and it was clear that Gram did not feel well.  She was not herself and had more pain.  Her granddaughter and I reviewed the plan for comfort and for the end.  We wondered aloud if we had gotten the gift of the tractor ride too late and with tears in our eyes, hoped for the best.   As she has been doing since her grandmother moved in, she loved her up, medicated her for the pain, put her to bed and checked on her.  At around 5:30 that evening, I got a text that she had woken up feeling much better and was her old self...Oh and he is bringing up the tractor at 11:30 tommorrow.

I have heard of saints and good samaritans...but this goes way beyond that.  This man, whom none of us even know, was going to put a giant John Deere tractor on a trailer pulled by a dump truck and bring it to her house where he can let her drive it and he gets nothing in return...nothing?  Wow, I was and am humbled.

On Saturday, I was a little early, so I waited in the elementary school parking lot to waste some time.  I looked up and a huge dump truck drove by pulling a brand new, bright green John Deere tractor.  I followed him to the house, and as he figured out where to put it, I ran in.  Standing there was Gram, a little overwhelmed with the attention but ready to see her "Johnny".  Her granddaughter put a lovely sweater on her and a crown on her head.  She looked beautiful and I could imagine her thinking about the days when she ran out and hopped in the tractor to get some fields plowed before weather came in.  It was an amazing moment.

I ran outside, found the gentleman that brought the tractor and ran into his arms...."Thanks so much for doing this, I'm the nurse, Terry and you don't know how much she is going to appreciate this."    He asked if he should drive it up to the door so she didn't have far to walk and I said, "that would be great."

Inside, Gram was being prepared for her wish.  Her coat was put on and zipped, she was helped down the stairs and out she came to see the "Johnny".

Her grandson in law lifted her gently into the cab and off she went.  She drove that thing around the neighborhood for a good half hour telling stories of the good old days and her tractor driving.  It did my heart good. 

I know that I am going on and on with this post but it was one, if not the most rewarding moments in my nursing career.  I can't explain how exciting it was to have this wish come true and to watch the face of my sweet patient when she got to be in the tractor again.  Her smile was wide and when I could look at her through the veil of happy tears, she looked 20 again driving around the fields. 

This is why I do what I do...it's not that I like providing hospice care, because if I had my wish, I would take away all the pain and grief of losing a loved one.  But I can't.  What I can do is give dignity, comfort and love to a person and family that is going through this difficult time.  I can empower them to make decisions that they wish they didn't have to, and I can hold their hand and tell them they are not alone.  In return, I get to be part of a time that is precious...sometimes the best and of course, the worst.  So, I guess when people ask me at parties "What kind of nursing do you do?" and I think...here goes...I can think of the Gram and the tractor and start there!

Sometimes wishes do come true!
We'll tawk tommorrow,
I love you all,

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Thoughts on a cold January morning...

I gave the dog leftover cheese cake last night because he was being such a good boy.  The boys noticed and said, "Mom, he's gonna "shart" all over his kennel" to which I replied..."No he won't."  My oldest son, while getting ready to go to school came up to my office and said, "Mom, I told you not to give him that cheese cake."  Oh well, another thing to do today.

What is the big deal with Tebow...so he prays, he kneels and he thanks "his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ" and his teammates after every game...I guess I don't get what the big deal is.  The kid is a conservative Christian and this is what he does.  Do I think God gives a rip about the Bronco's?  I really don't think so.  When I sit with a dying person and wish that God intervene, I am not expecting a direct answer...just the comfort of faith.  I am glad that Tebow feels comfortable to practice his beliefs and I am glad that I can practice mine...I guess I just don't understand what the big deal is about all of it.  Faith is faith to different people and we live in a country where we can choose so what is the big deal?

Since last week, I have been uninspired and tired.  My soul is weak and sad, to be honest.  The job gets to me sometimes as it gets to all of us in this profession.  So I am overeating, overdrinking, overthinking and going to bed early.  I am waiting to come out of it...and I will...I always do.

The holidays were good, but quiet. I can't believe 12 days have gone by and I still haven't gotten a firm grip on what 2012 is going to look like.  I used to be organized, get kids to swimming lessons, work out, play dates and then come home, put on scrubs and go to work in ICU.  Not any more.  I come home some days...lets be honest...most days, sit on the couch and read the paper.  My eyes get heavy because of the sun pouring in the dirty windows, and I turn around and sleep.  Problem is, I usually pick the small couch so I wake up 45 minutes later with a stiff neck and a numb arm.  Yup...that is my routine these days.

The stomach bug ran through the house like a shot last weekend too.  My older son, after moonlight sledding, came home and didn't look good.  Someone quietly let me know he hit his head and that's what was wrong.  Because I am a nurse and because I am irrational, I checked his pupils and sat watching him alot of the night.  Finally, although the house was rockin' with friends, he went to bed.  In my head, I decided he had an epidural hematoma and worried subconsciously all night.  The next morning, when he was alert and oriented times 3, no headache and very normal but puking his guts up...it was decided that he had the stomach crud.  He became one with the couch, the bucket and the TV while he sipped sprite and puked.  Then, the Queen came home from her workout a nice shade of green.  She too, became one with the couch, TV and bucket for two days.  My youngest and I did a fist bump in solidarity that we wouldn't get sick like those two squares.  So far, so good.

I have mentioned that I have a partially torn achilles..on my right heel.  I went to a chiropractor and she told me that diagnosis...so it may or may not be so.  But, what I do know is that I hobble out of bed every morning and until it stretches out, it hurts.  My heel is tender to touch and I can't run...I can only spin and to spin, I need the pants and the shoes.  I have been spinning on and off without those for about 6 months and it seems to me I would be in less pain in other areas of my body.  Everyone I talk to mentions that I should see a doctor but if I go to the doctor, I have to weigh and he will tell me I am fat.  I know that but I hate when other folks tell me...the only thing keeping me away from help except that I may have to wear a boot or have surgery.  So I soldier on with the aches and pains of getting old and frail.

The other struggle about being fat for me, is that eventually you get thin when you are dying.  I am studying for the certification for Hospice and Palliative care nursing and the "constellation" of impending death is that the person is less responsive and stops eating.  So we all stop eating at some point, right?  I talked alot about this with my younger patient that just died.  She battled her weight from the time she had kids until she died.  She wanted to be thinner but never got there.  Well...she died pretty slim...

The Queen is going to the dentist today to get a few (4) cavities filled.  Dude, how does one get all those cavities?  Oh well, she will be all tuned up for her next semester at college.

I am headed to Hernando Beach next week.  We are having a family reunion of sorts.  We, Joy girls, call it the Ya Ya sisterhood.  The three of us get together and hot tub, drink, eat and talk about life...the family, our families and how things are going.  I love these times especially when the temperature in Colorado is 7 degrees and the ground is frozen...Hernando Beach looks real good.

Well, I have a few patients to see and things to do today.  That's it from the cold mountains of Colorado today.

We'll tawk tommorrow,
I love you all,

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Last night...

Last night at my home...

Food was cooked, steaks were fantastic.  Sweet potatoes with cinnamon and brown sugar with butter were eaten.  Spinach with artichoke hearts, garlic, butter and cream cheese was eaten and sighed over.  Blue Moon brewmasters mix was consumed.  Red wine was paired with the steak.  Friends were here. 

High schoolers played video games and ate multiple times, the Queen made it home from her college road trip with hungry college buddies, my senior showed up with his sweetheart, and the music was on in the background.

Conversation ranged from how "stuffed" we were from the great food, the suffering that must be endured in this life, the gift of a love so strong but cut short, the strength gathered to go on and the honoring of an amazing man and soldier.  Conversation from love,the future, to sadness, to jealousy, to happiness, to feeling the stirring of the holy spirit.

I have made it no secret that this week was a difficult one.  There are times in my job when the sadness gets a hold of me and there is no solution except to feel it, honor it and get thru it.  At one point last night, I looked at my kitchen table and smiled.  The college kids were eating at one end, my friends were on each side, our Brittany  was in the middle and the high schoolers were sharing chairs all talking about life.  The good, the bad, the ugly.  I was almost euphoric to see the gathering and the talk and the level of comfort and love that was here. 

I call her our Brittany because my older kids absolutely adore her.  The Queen, at the start of her senior year in high school needed to get her nose pierced because her mentor, her role model, "Our Brittany" had her nose pierced...and I took her because I understood the connection and love that was present in that relationship.  Now I am watching "Our Brittany" sail the waters of being a 28 year old widow.  I can't begin to tell you how she does it but she does.  She honors her husband, Aaron, at every turn...and I am in awe.  

This morning as we had coffee, I told her I was mad and it wasn't fair and all the things I was feeling towards her "widowship".  She sat and listened and then told me what the answers were.  We talked about the fact that she would love to have him back but she is going on and she is learning.  If I were her, I would have told me to shut the h*ll up!

Life sucks...huh?  And it is awesome and the feelings are like a pendulum.  Great, terrible, amazing and vanilla...yep, that's life.  But, I gotta tell you, last night, for a few moments that were probably hours, I was basking in the things that matter to me...friends, love and being fully present in the moment.  I mean, that's really all we have isn't it?

We'll tawk tommorrow,
I love you all,

Thursday, January 5, 2012

The honor of royalty...

Today the world lost one of its special people.  She didn't invent anything or make lots of money.  She didn't  have the finest clothes or home or car or much of anything that was fine, to be honest.  She wore t-shirts and shorts, and was in bed alot by the time I met her.  There was no question that by the first visit, I knew I was taking care of royalty.

By royalty, I mean, the best of the best.  She had fought the cancer fight for alot of years and when I met her, the cancer was starting to win.  Despite that, she had a smile that lit up the room and was kind and gentle with every response.  She was hopeful but also realistic.  "Yeah" she said, "I have pain but I'm pretty lucky really, because I can take my pills and it takes care of it."
When I walked out of that house, I knew this wasn't going to be easy.

She had grown kids, they had kids and her family adored her.  They talked about how she is and now was,  the glue of the family...she held them all together.  I could see when we spent time alone talking that she adored the kids and her husband and there was a sadness about leaving them. 

Today, she finished the fight...with her family by her side and the constant talk of love, she slipped away.  She was tired, to be sure and can rest now.  No more pain, worry and exhaustion.  Done.

I watched from the outside of the family circle while her kids caressed her face and told her what a wonderful mother she was, how they are going to miss her but they will never forget her...then her husband looked down at her and said it was okay to let go, stop fighting and be at peace...how he loved her so much and thanked her for their life together...and I walked away and cried. 

You see, to the big world that we live in, sometimes folks that just care and love their spouses and kids no matter what, get brushed aside.  "What have they done that's special?" is a question that comes to mind.  But really, what they have done is more special than anything money can buy...to love a spouse deeply, be connected enough to weather a big storm such as sickness and death at home, to raise kids that are there and will keep the family as one when the glue melts away...that is what is special, and that is the kind of people the world needs alot of. 

So tonight as I sip my pink wine and remember the honor it was to care for this special lady, I think about how I am not like her and want to be...how a month of time with her has touched me so deeply and profoundly that I want the world to know how special she was.  I was given a gift to care for her and she knew she was giving that to me.  A person so special that when she was at the end of her life, she still gave gifts to strangers...

As I said to my friend when I said goodbye..."bless you sweetheart, I will see you soon...save me a seat..."

We'll tawk tommorrow,
I love you all,

Monday, January 2, 2012

Can one be happy?

Definition of HAPPINESS
1 obsolete : good fortune : prosperity
2a : a state of well-being and contentment : joy b : a pleasurable or satisfying experience
I woke up this morning feeling unsettled and out of sorts...not happy.  That happens to me from time to time and I wonder why.  Nothing in my life has changed drastically...the kids are okay, Jim is home, the house is in its normal disarray and things are as they should be...but me.  I left for the office and as I was driving, I thought about what makes me happy.  Do you ever think about what makes you happy?
I came home after trying to work to find the cars washed, the oil changed and my husband in his green sweatshirt, overalls and smudges of dirt on his face.  That made me happy. 
If you look at the definition of happiness, it talks about good fortune and prosperity...If you ask me, that has to do with money and health.  Yes, those are important things...health being more important than money in my book, but important, nonetheless. 
So if happiness is prosperity and good fortune...what if you have that and no love in your life?  Are you still happy?  I am curious to know what makes a person happy...so I decided to make a short list of what makes me happy...
*Sitting down at the mission with a group of "guests" and talking about life...
*Watching the band begin the show for the season and know my sons are among that group on the field.
*Watching my daughter run out on the Folsom Field and begin to march with the Golden Buffalo Marching Band...
*Watching my husband hand out trays and asking every "guest"...How you doing man, can we help you with your tray?
*Making 20 pounds of taco meat and watching it be eaten while hearing all the teenagers in line saying, "Thanks, Mrs. Ritter"
*Sitting with a patient and having them feel brave enough to ask what it's like to die...and me being able to talk about keeping them comfortable and being there for them and their family.
*Going to church, hearing the old gentleman singing one word off and looking over at my sons face to see that he appreciates him too.
*Reading the paper and falling asleep on the couch with the sun shining in on Sundays after church.
*Feeling my husband snuggle up to me in the morning after all these years.
*Having my kids come home from a late night, climb in bed with me to tell me all about it.
*Having the honor and privilege of taking care of folks that when I say good bye, they call out..."I love you."
As I read this list, being happy for me is about being with family, friends and people in the moment...appreciating what is going on right now and not thinking about the 401K or how to pay for college.  It's being vulnerable to the feelings, whatever they may be and letting go to feel what it is that is happening at the time. 
 If I go down the list again, I could point out that I don't have time to go to the mission, that band takes up so much of the boys time, that college marching band is a time drain on an engineering student,  who has time to make 20 pounds of taco meat and no wonder I eat...it hurts so much to watch all these patients die.  I could also look at the old man at church and scowl as he can't keep up with the hymns, I have so much to do on Sundays, who do I think I am to fall asleep in the sun on the couch after church...As far as snuggling with my old man...I am fat and old and we are too old for that kind of thing.  And really, let's face it, my kids are humoring me so I will let them stay out late again and for the patients that tell me they love me...I doubt it.
Honestly, those are a few of the things that make me happy...make me feel joy and as far as prosperity...ain't gonna happen with one in college, one on the on the way to college and a loose wallet.  But we are not hurting for anything and we have our health and...we have love.  Love for each other, for our friends, for service to others.  I feel like when I am sitting with a patient in their home...or when the phone rings and its one of my kids checking in on the way home...I have hit the jackpot of life.
So when I wake up and I am out of sorts...something is bothering me...so be it, I am going to tell myself that I am still happy...
that this too shall pass and its time to get going.  I am needed, I am wanted and I am going to be fine...maybe I will be out of sorts for the day but if I just think of what I have...I am happy...content and satisfied.  Its all in how you look at it, right?
We'll tawk tomorrow,
I love you all,


Authentic, Real and New Years...

I am thinking of resolutions...the ones that I am going to try to keep.  I always say I am going to lose weight, get organized  and save the world....blah, blah, blah.  Every year I set myself up for failure.  So this year, I am going to revisit being authentic...who I am at this time and place. 

I read a post by a guy a few weeks ago and it was on perfection.  http://www.danoah.com/2010/09/disease-called-perfection.html  My daughter turned me on to this bloggers page because she thought I would like reading it.  There are a bunch of good posts but this one is particularly special to me.   It is about being okay with not being perfect, hence being who we all are and living into that person.  It's about figuring out how to be "out there" and honest and know that it is what it is.  I'm not saying that we shouldn't have goals and hopes and dreams but if they stunt your happiness as they do mine at times...screw it!

So if you have a minute...read this post.  There are a few more that caught my eye and started me thinking.  Hopefully they will do that for you too.

Happy New Year and Happy New Authentic you!!!

We'll tawk tommorrow,
I love you all,