Last night at my home...
Food was cooked, steaks were fantastic. Sweet potatoes with cinnamon and brown sugar with butter were eaten. Spinach with artichoke hearts, garlic, butter and cream cheese was eaten and sighed over. Blue Moon brewmasters mix was consumed. Red wine was paired with the steak. Friends were here.
High schoolers played video games and ate multiple times, the Queen made it home from her college road trip with hungry college buddies, my senior showed up with his sweetheart, and the music was on in the background.
Conversation ranged from how "stuffed" we were from the great food, the suffering that must be endured in this life, the gift of a love so strong but cut short, the strength gathered to go on and the honoring of an amazing man and soldier. Conversation from love,the future, to sadness, to jealousy, to happiness, to feeling the stirring of the holy spirit.
I have made it no secret that this week was a difficult one. There are times in my job when the sadness gets a hold of me and there is no solution except to feel it, honor it and get thru it. At one point last night, I looked at my kitchen table and smiled. The college kids were eating at one end, my friends were on each side, our Brittany was in the middle and the high schoolers were sharing chairs all talking about life. The good, the bad, the ugly. I was almost euphoric to see the gathering and the talk and the level of comfort and love that was here.
I call her our Brittany because my older kids absolutely adore her. The Queen, at the start of her senior year in high school needed to get her nose pierced because her mentor, her role model, "Our Brittany" had her nose pierced...and I took her because I understood the connection and love that was present in that relationship. Now I am watching "Our Brittany" sail the waters of being a 28 year old widow. I can't begin to tell you how she does it but she does. She honors her husband, Aaron, at every turn...and I am in awe.
This morning as we had coffee, I told her I was mad and it wasn't fair and all the things I was feeling towards her "widowship". She sat and listened and then told me what the answers were. We talked about the fact that she would love to have him back but she is going on and she is learning. If I were her, I would have told me to shut the h*ll up!
Life sucks...huh? And it is awesome and the feelings are like a pendulum. Great, terrible, amazing and vanilla...yep, that's life. But, I gotta tell you, last night, for a few moments that were probably hours, I was basking in the things that matter to me...friends, love and being fully present in the moment. I mean, that's really all we have isn't it?
We'll tawk tommorrow,
I love you all,