Getting busy...

As usual, I am writing after a long abscence, not because things are bad but because things are good.  At the end of November, I had a CT scan instead of a PET and it showed that one of my two tumors have "resolved" and the other one continues to shrink.  What that means is that the immunotherapy is working and I have less cancer than when I started!!!  I now am scanned every 4 months so that takes away one epidsode of "terror week" as Jim and I call it.

I really am doing good.  I continue to work and enjoy it.  I love being a nurse and helping people as I always have.  Behind the scenes there are days of doubt and sadness...especially when I don't have the energy to do some of the things I love.  But honestly, for the most part...life goes on.

Last Spring I got a phone call from an old friend telling me that we had dates in Jan 2023 at a Hut up in the Colorado high country by Leadville.  It was for 2 nights and she invited me and my family to join her and her family.  She and I go way back to Howie's kindergarten days and have a great fondness for each other.  I got the word out and the kids all said yes and took the days off of work.

January 2023 came up faster than I thought and around November, I decided it might be time to research the hut. It was rated an Easy to moderate ski in and it was in a beautiful mountain range about 3 hours from the house. The ski in was 6 miles and lot's of "gentle elevation" until the last few miles where it went mostly up.  The family was in, sans Christie and Kevin, and we got to planning.  Jim and I started spending time XC skiing up on Guanella Pass and trying to get in some kind of shape.  Well, of course, Jim (who is part Mountain Goat) was fine and had no reservations.  I, on the other hand, always have anxiety about outdoor things and need to get in shape.  As I spent time on my ski's, I began to feel stronger and more confident.  We decided to go out the weekend before with packed packs to do the last dry run, and I had a heck of a time. I had no energy, my joints ached and could not make it a mile.  My feet hurt from the boots, my back hurt from my pack, my stomach went wild and I couldn't get myself out of it. I decided I was not going to go and ruin everyone's time while I suffered through.  I cursed the cancer, the fatigue, the immunotherapy and myself for not training earlier or harder.  I even felt like Jim didn't think I could make it...

Remember earlier when I said, "behind the scenes"?  I went to work and pretended that it was gonna be okay but I was depressed and all the feelings of my illness journey came back.  I cried and when Jim tried to talk to me, I told him he didn't know what it was like to be me and in my shoes...`

Then I talked to my kids and all 3 said they thought I could do it.  They all said that this trip was mine and that I was the one that got them excited to go, and " One bad day in the outdoors is not a referendum on how every day in the outdoors is going to be".  I figured out best case scenario and decided to go.

We left on Wednesday morning around 6 am and drove to  Leadville, gathered our group at Safeway and headed to the trailhead.  It was 12 degrees when we put our packs, ski's and bundled up for the trip. I felt pretty good from the beginning and it snowed gently the whole way in.  I worried that I was holding up the gang and I said so.  Besides my family and Katie's, there were friends from Steamboat who were the ultimate outdoorsmen.  Now, really, do they want to be held up by an old lady with cancer?

As we skied, we split up into groups and those changed as we went.  The only thing that stayed steady is that I was pulling up the rear with Katie, Mac and an outdoorsman keeping me going.  We got to the turn off to head up hill, had a quick snack and water and began the up.  It was so hard, and I was struggling.  I would count to 100 and stop to breathe.  My pack seemed heavier and my energy was waning.  I was slowing even more than even the kindest of folks wanted to go, but heard not a peep from them. I only heard encouragement.  We got half way up the hill and my skiing had slowed to a crawl.  I kept telling myself to keep going and I was, but it was obvious I was gonna take awhile.  Then from  the top of the trail comes one of the outdoorsmen and takes my pack and starts skiing with us.  He tells me we were getting closer and to keep moving.  I started moving ever so slightly faster and he is talking and making time go faster, and he has my pack!  We finish the next mile or so and another outdoorsman comes out to cheer us on, knowing I was the problem but not saying a word.  Before I know it, I see the gate to the hut and start to cry because I made it!!!

As the first night goes on, not one word about me being last, being slow, or anything of the like.  When I thanked them, they talked about how it wasn't easy and how awesome it was I made it and should be proud.  We ate meals together and learned about each others families, how much the whole group loved the outdoors, and played games and laughed.  The serious powder hounds went out on day two and had the time of their life in deep powder and gentle  hills.  The sun shone in the cabin for the few of us that stayed back and I napped on the couch and thought a lot about life.

When everyone came back that night, we had delicious chili, old fashioned's made by Howie, who I never knew could mix up such fancy drinks, food from everyone as a starter and the warm fire in the hut. It could not have been warmer with new friends, great food, and great drinks....not to meantion the warm fires.

The trip out was not nearly as daunting and I did it by myself with a group in front and a group who left later to get some more of that precious powder stash.  It also wasn't as beautiful in retrospect.  You see, I learned something about needing help and accepting help.  I learned that sometimes I am the one who needs the help and if that time comes, for the helpee or the helper, magic happens.  I never want to be the one who needs help or encouragement. I always want to be the strong one and the one to take care of others.  This trip showed me that being either one is valuable. 

When humans show vulnerability, there is always a human that will feel that and step in to help, comfort and encourage.  Everyone has days that we aren't winning and days that we need help but hesitate to ask. There are also days that we are winning and need to be aware that the person in the group is not.  When we reach out and meet folks where they are at, the magic happens!  The love of human kindness lifts the ones needing comfort and  the comforter feels the appreciative love right back.  It helps us remember we are human and we all go through tough times. What seems small to someone on the outside, may be so much more to the person needing the help. Lord knows all these gestures of kindness helped me.

So once again, as we all go through this life, with it's ups and downs...know that some days you are the comfort for someone and some days you need the comfort and neither place is wrong or right.  It just is.  So let's be who we are, who we are called to be and put love and kindness first.  I know it made my trip one of the best.

We'll tawk soon,

I love you all,

Terry