New Years Resolutions
Tommorrow, in the afternoon, I begin my trek to Peru to see those I love and who loves them. You probably already know, my daughter is in the Peace Corps and is living in Peru. She has been there for a year and a half and last Christmas, when we visited, we didn't know it at the time...but we met her love. He is not typical, he is not from the US and he is an amazing man. They are planning a future together. It is almost surreal to watch your grown children make choices about how they will live when you are gone. When I hear her talk about him, I can see it, the admiration, his kindness, the attachment and love of family that we have. It will be something to see...
But, I digress. I want to talk about today and the few days before that. It was Christmas eve and Christmas day and my adult children were together in another country. They were making food and talking spanish and loving each other and learning about being together without Mom and Dad. A little bittersweet for me because I cannot think of anything better than being all together with my loves and their loves but it didn't happen this year over Christmas.
Instead, I worked. I saw patients. I went to homes where folks were looking at illness and death and sat beside them and touched their hands and held "space". We didn't need to talk if it was up to me, but if they started, I joined in. It made me feel so honored and almost lucky to be in their home at that time. To explain to the caregiver what services we offered and that this time is the most difficult time for caregivers but it also shows that person how much you love them...
I saw people who were losing their loved one to end stage neurological disease, and they wanted to keep them home and safe. They wanted to make coffee and muffins for them in the morning, even if the patient had forgotten how to chew and swallow. They wanted that comfort of the things they have always done to keep the familiar, if just to have a glint in they eyes of their love that they remember. I saw folks that had pain that was unrelenting and offered suggestions and a plan to follow so they could at least feel like they were helping (and they were). Then late on Christmas Eve, I saw a man who was mad...because he had cancer, because he was going to die, and because I was not perfect. He was so mad and there was nothing I could do to calm him or make it better. Finally, I left his house apologizing and realizing that sometimes I am the perfect person to be mad at and it's okay. I sat in my car in the driveway and cried...for the patient that could not remember, for the patient who was experiencing pain and for this gentleman that was so angry that he had terminal cancer.
On Christmas day, I did another round of patient visits and it was fine. Than, in the evening, I got a message from one of my patients families that her mother was in her last hours. I loved this woman...She was smart, kind, able to talk for hours with me if I had the time and told me she loved me when I left. I can't say that I fall in love this deeply with every patient, but with her...I did. I went to her 90th birthday party because she invited me. On that day, she was radiant and I could hardly believe that she would ever die. When I visited her, I would pull a chair up to her in her chair and just sit and look at her. She was 91 and beautiful...in the way that stands the test of time. When I got promoted, I asked one of my new nurses to take over and she did, but I missed her a lot. I called her caretaker one day to check on something and I got to talk to her...and found myself in tears because I missed seeing her weekly.
Today, her daughter let me know that she was dying. I went over and sat with her, told her I was there and what she meant to me. Next thing I knew, I was being handed a tissue by her daughter to
take care of me. I stroked her arm, and the coolness of the temperature told me that it was soon. I told her family how much she meant to me and what an honor it was to care for her, that I got more from her that she from me. I told them they had done everything right, but her daughter talked about how tired she was and encouraged her mother to go back to sleep in the middle of the night...the human side of caregiving. Finally, I kissed my sweet girl and told the family it was their time, to be together and wait... Once again, I cried in the front seat of my car from the emotion and relief and sadness for my patient.
I just got a message that she was gone. I am so happy that she is "with the Father" as she said but so sad that she is not here on earth with us. I am so honored that I got to be part of her life, to discuss the end of her life and hear her talk about how her life went.
Now to the resolutions for 2018...Today, when I was thinking about her, I thought "Maybe I will put off going to see her, she has declined before and then bounced back"... Then I thought about how much I cared and loved sitting with her, how much she gave me in the short time I knew her and how I had to make time to give her one more kiss on her cheek just in case this is really it. It was a good decision...a great one, really.
So to put that decision into an action plan for 2018...when someone means so much to you..tell them, listen to them, hold space, be present...they may be mad at you because you are safe to be mad at...but, when you love someone, you give them time. You give them your attention, and your love. That is what I think is important...your time, your attention, your devotion...
That is my New Years resolution, and an amazing reminder of what really matters...thank you my sweet Nanny...you and your family taught me so much.
We'll tawk tomorrow,
Love you all,
Terry
But, I digress. I want to talk about today and the few days before that. It was Christmas eve and Christmas day and my adult children were together in another country. They were making food and talking spanish and loving each other and learning about being together without Mom and Dad. A little bittersweet for me because I cannot think of anything better than being all together with my loves and their loves but it didn't happen this year over Christmas.
Instead, I worked. I saw patients. I went to homes where folks were looking at illness and death and sat beside them and touched their hands and held "space". We didn't need to talk if it was up to me, but if they started, I joined in. It made me feel so honored and almost lucky to be in their home at that time. To explain to the caregiver what services we offered and that this time is the most difficult time for caregivers but it also shows that person how much you love them...
I saw people who were losing their loved one to end stage neurological disease, and they wanted to keep them home and safe. They wanted to make coffee and muffins for them in the morning, even if the patient had forgotten how to chew and swallow. They wanted that comfort of the things they have always done to keep the familiar, if just to have a glint in they eyes of their love that they remember. I saw folks that had pain that was unrelenting and offered suggestions and a plan to follow so they could at least feel like they were helping (and they were). Then late on Christmas Eve, I saw a man who was mad...because he had cancer, because he was going to die, and because I was not perfect. He was so mad and there was nothing I could do to calm him or make it better. Finally, I left his house apologizing and realizing that sometimes I am the perfect person to be mad at and it's okay. I sat in my car in the driveway and cried...for the patient that could not remember, for the patient who was experiencing pain and for this gentleman that was so angry that he had terminal cancer.
On Christmas day, I did another round of patient visits and it was fine. Than, in the evening, I got a message from one of my patients families that her mother was in her last hours. I loved this woman...She was smart, kind, able to talk for hours with me if I had the time and told me she loved me when I left. I can't say that I fall in love this deeply with every patient, but with her...I did. I went to her 90th birthday party because she invited me. On that day, she was radiant and I could hardly believe that she would ever die. When I visited her, I would pull a chair up to her in her chair and just sit and look at her. She was 91 and beautiful...in the way that stands the test of time. When I got promoted, I asked one of my new nurses to take over and she did, but I missed her a lot. I called her caretaker one day to check on something and I got to talk to her...and found myself in tears because I missed seeing her weekly.
Today, her daughter let me know that she was dying. I went over and sat with her, told her I was there and what she meant to me. Next thing I knew, I was being handed a tissue by her daughter to
take care of me. I stroked her arm, and the coolness of the temperature told me that it was soon. I told her family how much she meant to me and what an honor it was to care for her, that I got more from her that she from me. I told them they had done everything right, but her daughter talked about how tired she was and encouraged her mother to go back to sleep in the middle of the night...the human side of caregiving. Finally, I kissed my sweet girl and told the family it was their time, to be together and wait... Once again, I cried in the front seat of my car from the emotion and relief and sadness for my patient.
I just got a message that she was gone. I am so happy that she is "with the Father" as she said but so sad that she is not here on earth with us. I am so honored that I got to be part of her life, to discuss the end of her life and hear her talk about how her life went.
Now to the resolutions for 2018...Today, when I was thinking about her, I thought "Maybe I will put off going to see her, she has declined before and then bounced back"... Then I thought about how much I cared and loved sitting with her, how much she gave me in the short time I knew her and how I had to make time to give her one more kiss on her cheek just in case this is really it. It was a good decision...a great one, really.
So to put that decision into an action plan for 2018...when someone means so much to you..tell them, listen to them, hold space, be present...they may be mad at you because you are safe to be mad at...but, when you love someone, you give them time. You give them your attention, and your love. That is what I think is important...your time, your attention, your devotion...
That is my New Years resolution, and an amazing reminder of what really matters...thank you my sweet Nanny...you and your family taught me so much.
We'll tawk tomorrow,
Love you all,
Terry
Comments
Merry Christmas and best wishes to your own beautiful family. I am so happy for Christy.