There is no such thing as a perfect life, but there certainly are perfect moments...
Hello again, my gosh I haven't written in a long time. I am good, so that isn't why I haven't written. I have been trying to live in the moment more and appreciate it all. Not as easy as it looks right?
Last week, I had the honor of seeing one, if not my favorite patient. She and I are friends, I would say more than she is my patient. I have cared for her for almost 4 years and it has been my pleasure and have learned so much about living a life with an illness that wasn't planned on...
I sat at her kitchen table with her, and her love talking. We talked about the "nursey" things and then moved on to their life together. We talked about what they used to do for fun when she could get out more and what they want to do for fun now. Then I asked how long they have been together as they are not married. After a little banter and flirting back and forth, they agreed it was 20 years. "Why didn't you get married?" I asked. "What for?" they chimed a little louder than I would have expected, "that doesn't mean anything to us." I sat there quietly and watched them look at each other. I thought, but didn't say, that it was absolutely true. They are devoted, they are looking at 80, started their love around the same age as Jim and I are now and saw no reason to make it "legal". They have cared for each other through some difficult times and never thought of leaving. They still banter and pick at each other sometimes but when they need each other it is an unspoken yes that is evident. I finished up that visit, kissed them both goodbye, and sat in my car. Another example of learning what enduring love looks like and it was a perfect moment.
Last Thursday was a hard day for me. You know when you think everything going really well and fail to look at the whole picture? Well, last Thursday was that kinda day. It finished with a situation that was difficult to sit through as I was in a "I haven't seen the whole picture all day so I am gonna make sure I see it now." Needless to say, the whole picture that night was humbling and while good, I didn't handle it very well. So, you know me, after I got out of the meeting, I leaned against my trusty steering wheel, which has captured many tears from my job and let go. The next thing I did, if you know me, was drive to the liquor store for a bottle of wine. I sat in the car and wiped my tears and my drippy nose and walked in. There was a line at the check out and as I walked by them they all looked at me. One of the ladies stepped in front of me and asked if I was okay. I told her I was fine and that I just had a bad day. She wrapped her arms around me and comforted me and told me it was gonna be okay and that we all have those. I stepped back to find three other folks in line offering me a hug...Each one stepped forward and hugged me and said nothing. It was the sweetest, kindest gesture of comfort from strangers I have ever experienced. I got my bottle of wine and got in my car and realized that moment was just what I needed and was perfect. While we all worry about us humans and how we are becoming desensitized to others pain, I offer you this perfect moment of comfort and love.
Yesterday morning before work, I spent an hour or so with one of my nurse's babies. He is about 6 months old and he is a joy to have around. She asked because she had to care for a patient really early and didn't have a sitter. Little did I know that saying I would help her out would be another one of those perfect moments. He was sitting in his carseat and playing with his toys while people came into my office to admire him and ask what the heck I was doing. Finally a scary person with a beard came in and he got a little scared and cried. I took him out of his car seat...which I must say these days is no easy feat compared to when I had little ones, and did my work with him on my lap. I had to take one of his socks off to look at his little baby feet and admire them...perfect, beautiful and ready to learn to walk at some point. I looked at his long eye lashes and thought about all the things he will see and learn along with all the winking and blinking when he gets older and begins to look to make his life. I thought of how it was such a difficult, precious time when mine were that little and honestly, if I could go back and do it again...I would in a heart beat. Finally, mommy showed up and I told her what a wonderful baby he is and hope she will suggest I watch him again. It started my day perfectly!
I spent the rest of the day with 2 of my CNA's providing care for patients. They were so kind and did a beautiful job. I was proud to be their boss. Then the day ended and it was time to babysit again. Nothing like this morning but help a friend that needed an adult presence in the house for the evening. Little did I know it was going to be the perfect finish to this crazy week.
I showed up and they were having dinner. 5 of them around the table eating and talking. The older siblings had it totally under control and I was wondering why their mother thought they needed help. After dinner, they cleaned up their plates and the bed time routine began. Now, after hearing what we needed to do, I realized I had just moved to the twilight zone. A 2 year old, and a 4 year old and a 4 1/2 year old needed to be changed into pj's, teeth needed to be brushed and possibly diapers and underpants changed. Then, we needed to read 3 books, sing a number of songs, say some prayers and then they were down for bed. Okay, I thought, I can do this...I haven't lost my mojo of being a mom to cute boys. My kid to care for was the 4 1/2 year old precious young man. He showed me how he climbs all over the bunk beds, where the hamper is to throw his dirty clothes, where and how he puts on his pj's, how he brushes his teeth and spits, and the little stool in the bathroom that he uses to do that.
Then, we ventured to his bed, but not before he picked 3 books. We sat down on the couch and I put my arm around him and he snuggled in. We first read a book about a baby owl, and I tried to use my best baby owl voice to read the parts. Not sure it worked as well as his mom, but he was polite and smiled the whole time. He is so smart, there were pages of the owl book that he memorized and read to me. Boy, that brought back some memories. The next book was a halloween book that I was worried may scare him. He quickly told me that it was all pretend and fake and he was gonna be fine. So I began to read. I must say, back in the day, I took needing a lot of light to read for granted and had to tip the book towards the light to read. We finished that book and it did end fine. although the engineers pumpkin head did fall off...and at one point the train they were all on was carrenning out of control. The final book, he proudly took away and read it out loud. I sat awash in memories of my Mac and how he read us a book called "Truck song" every night because he remembered it. This guy read his "Cars" book to me and it was one of the sweetest moments of the day.
Finally we were done and on to the ending phase of the "bedtime routine." By this time, his big sister joined us to sing the songs and say the prayers that Mom does every night. They sang and she prayed and he was supposed to call it a night. But, I lingered a little to tell him what an awesome little boy he is and to thank him for letting me help put him to bed when he asked, "can you sing me some of your songs?" Another few perfect moments as he and I sang "Twinkle twinkle" and "Jesus loves me". He smiled up at me so big that tears came to my eyes. Then he asked if I had a prayer to say....so I pulled out the prayer I said to my children every night that I was home and when I wasn't Jim did...
"Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
Guide me through the starry night,
And wake me when the sun is bright."
Then I rubbed his head and kissed it as he tried to talk me into more but then I heard the dog barking outside and figured Dad was home. I came upstairs and in fact, Dad who had been out of town for a few days was home, and it was my time to leave.
I said my goodbye's, got in the car and leaned on my trusty steering wheel again. Not to cry but to try to capture the night in my brain and weave the memories with my own from my precious 4 1/2 year old boys. It was a perfect end to a unusually difficult week filled with perfect moments that make a life.
This morning, Jim told me how lucky he was to be married to me...I agreed, we are pretty lucky. We are two imperfect humans, with probably more than our share of imperfections, trying to remember those perfect moments that make a life worth living.
So what is the takeaway? Life is hard, with illness, pain and difficulties we don't even know will happen. But, mixed in the pain, illness and difficulties are these perfect moments. They happen out of nowhere and are usually not expected, or fancy ...but if they are honored and savored for what they are, they make life worth living!
So go out and savor those perfect moments today!
I love you all,
We'll tawk soon,
Terry
Last week, I had the honor of seeing one, if not my favorite patient. She and I are friends, I would say more than she is my patient. I have cared for her for almost 4 years and it has been my pleasure and have learned so much about living a life with an illness that wasn't planned on...
I sat at her kitchen table with her, and her love talking. We talked about the "nursey" things and then moved on to their life together. We talked about what they used to do for fun when she could get out more and what they want to do for fun now. Then I asked how long they have been together as they are not married. After a little banter and flirting back and forth, they agreed it was 20 years. "Why didn't you get married?" I asked. "What for?" they chimed a little louder than I would have expected, "that doesn't mean anything to us." I sat there quietly and watched them look at each other. I thought, but didn't say, that it was absolutely true. They are devoted, they are looking at 80, started their love around the same age as Jim and I are now and saw no reason to make it "legal". They have cared for each other through some difficult times and never thought of leaving. They still banter and pick at each other sometimes but when they need each other it is an unspoken yes that is evident. I finished up that visit, kissed them both goodbye, and sat in my car. Another example of learning what enduring love looks like and it was a perfect moment.
Last Thursday was a hard day for me. You know when you think everything going really well and fail to look at the whole picture? Well, last Thursday was that kinda day. It finished with a situation that was difficult to sit through as I was in a "I haven't seen the whole picture all day so I am gonna make sure I see it now." Needless to say, the whole picture that night was humbling and while good, I didn't handle it very well. So, you know me, after I got out of the meeting, I leaned against my trusty steering wheel, which has captured many tears from my job and let go. The next thing I did, if you know me, was drive to the liquor store for a bottle of wine. I sat in the car and wiped my tears and my drippy nose and walked in. There was a line at the check out and as I walked by them they all looked at me. One of the ladies stepped in front of me and asked if I was okay. I told her I was fine and that I just had a bad day. She wrapped her arms around me and comforted me and told me it was gonna be okay and that we all have those. I stepped back to find three other folks in line offering me a hug...Each one stepped forward and hugged me and said nothing. It was the sweetest, kindest gesture of comfort from strangers I have ever experienced. I got my bottle of wine and got in my car and realized that moment was just what I needed and was perfect. While we all worry about us humans and how we are becoming desensitized to others pain, I offer you this perfect moment of comfort and love.
Yesterday morning before work, I spent an hour or so with one of my nurse's babies. He is about 6 months old and he is a joy to have around. She asked because she had to care for a patient really early and didn't have a sitter. Little did I know that saying I would help her out would be another one of those perfect moments. He was sitting in his carseat and playing with his toys while people came into my office to admire him and ask what the heck I was doing. Finally a scary person with a beard came in and he got a little scared and cried. I took him out of his car seat...which I must say these days is no easy feat compared to when I had little ones, and did my work with him on my lap. I had to take one of his socks off to look at his little baby feet and admire them...perfect, beautiful and ready to learn to walk at some point. I looked at his long eye lashes and thought about all the things he will see and learn along with all the winking and blinking when he gets older and begins to look to make his life. I thought of how it was such a difficult, precious time when mine were that little and honestly, if I could go back and do it again...I would in a heart beat. Finally, mommy showed up and I told her what a wonderful baby he is and hope she will suggest I watch him again. It started my day perfectly!
I spent the rest of the day with 2 of my CNA's providing care for patients. They were so kind and did a beautiful job. I was proud to be their boss. Then the day ended and it was time to babysit again. Nothing like this morning but help a friend that needed an adult presence in the house for the evening. Little did I know it was going to be the perfect finish to this crazy week.
I showed up and they were having dinner. 5 of them around the table eating and talking. The older siblings had it totally under control and I was wondering why their mother thought they needed help. After dinner, they cleaned up their plates and the bed time routine began. Now, after hearing what we needed to do, I realized I had just moved to the twilight zone. A 2 year old, and a 4 year old and a 4 1/2 year old needed to be changed into pj's, teeth needed to be brushed and possibly diapers and underpants changed. Then, we needed to read 3 books, sing a number of songs, say some prayers and then they were down for bed. Okay, I thought, I can do this...I haven't lost my mojo of being a mom to cute boys. My kid to care for was the 4 1/2 year old precious young man. He showed me how he climbs all over the bunk beds, where the hamper is to throw his dirty clothes, where and how he puts on his pj's, how he brushes his teeth and spits, and the little stool in the bathroom that he uses to do that.
Then, we ventured to his bed, but not before he picked 3 books. We sat down on the couch and I put my arm around him and he snuggled in. We first read a book about a baby owl, and I tried to use my best baby owl voice to read the parts. Not sure it worked as well as his mom, but he was polite and smiled the whole time. He is so smart, there were pages of the owl book that he memorized and read to me. Boy, that brought back some memories. The next book was a halloween book that I was worried may scare him. He quickly told me that it was all pretend and fake and he was gonna be fine. So I began to read. I must say, back in the day, I took needing a lot of light to read for granted and had to tip the book towards the light to read. We finished that book and it did end fine. although the engineers pumpkin head did fall off...and at one point the train they were all on was carrenning out of control. The final book, he proudly took away and read it out loud. I sat awash in memories of my Mac and how he read us a book called "Truck song" every night because he remembered it. This guy read his "Cars" book to me and it was one of the sweetest moments of the day.
Finally we were done and on to the ending phase of the "bedtime routine." By this time, his big sister joined us to sing the songs and say the prayers that Mom does every night. They sang and she prayed and he was supposed to call it a night. But, I lingered a little to tell him what an awesome little boy he is and to thank him for letting me help put him to bed when he asked, "can you sing me some of your songs?" Another few perfect moments as he and I sang "Twinkle twinkle" and "Jesus loves me". He smiled up at me so big that tears came to my eyes. Then he asked if I had a prayer to say....so I pulled out the prayer I said to my children every night that I was home and when I wasn't Jim did...
"Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
Guide me through the starry night,
And wake me when the sun is bright."
Then I rubbed his head and kissed it as he tried to talk me into more but then I heard the dog barking outside and figured Dad was home. I came upstairs and in fact, Dad who had been out of town for a few days was home, and it was my time to leave.
I said my goodbye's, got in the car and leaned on my trusty steering wheel again. Not to cry but to try to capture the night in my brain and weave the memories with my own from my precious 4 1/2 year old boys. It was a perfect end to a unusually difficult week filled with perfect moments that make a life.
This morning, Jim told me how lucky he was to be married to me...I agreed, we are pretty lucky. We are two imperfect humans, with probably more than our share of imperfections, trying to remember those perfect moments that make a life worth living.
So what is the takeaway? Life is hard, with illness, pain and difficulties we don't even know will happen. But, mixed in the pain, illness and difficulties are these perfect moments. They happen out of nowhere and are usually not expected, or fancy ...but if they are honored and savored for what they are, they make life worth living!
So go out and savor those perfect moments today!
I love you all,
We'll tawk soon,
Terry
Comments
Oh, I know. You always have been.
It sounds to me as if you are getting ready to be a grandmother. I found that this process begins way before that first grandchildren is even a gleam in its parents' eyes. And the joy of holding those little bodies close again, nibbling on those perfect little toes, reading those books together...all of it. It is so precious.
And grandchildren afford so many of those perfect moments.
I loved your perfect moment in the liquor store. People ARE kind and caring, mostly. And when we witness that, it's so beautiful. I remember once a million years ago and I was coming home late at night from some sleazy bar where my ex-husband had been playing and he had sort of broken my heart once again and I was stopped at a light on the corner of Tennessee and Franklin. I remember this so well. And I was just crying and crying and crying and a guy in the car next to me, who actually looked like someone you might want to be wary of, rolled down the window on my side of his car and said, "Are you all right?" Just like that lady in the liquor store.
"Yes," I said. "Just heartbroken."
"Well, that's all right. It's hard, isn't it?" he said. "Just wanted to make sure you were okay. Take care."
And the light changed and we drove off in separate directions and I felt as if he had really cared and that moment of personal connection just seemed angelic to me.
Oh, Terry. You have me crying AGAIN!
I love you, I love you, I love you.