48...wait...what?

Today is my 48th birthday.  I went to the 6 am class at the gym, showered and went to work.  I sat in a meeting where we discuss our patients that are dying and cried.  I am so lucky to be able to care for them, to help them have some peace and to love them when life is the hardest it can get.  I am so lucky.


I missed an appointment to get my my eyebrows waxed off and to figure out what to do with my beard.  Yes, I am a woman, I am 48 and I have a blonde beard.  People say to me, "Oh, no one can see it" but I gotta tell you...it is pretty see-able.  I have to get rid of it.


My hair is graying and I am trying to decide whether to color it or let it go.  I am sure that most folks would say to color it but I am fighting it...Gray is beautiful...right?


48...wow.  I was never going to get that old.  48, middle aged, chubby and gray haired.  That was not going to be Terry Ritter.  Well, guess what?  It's me and it's okay.


Jim and I had dinner and I decided to take stock...I have been married for almost 24 years and I still love the guy.  I can't imagine my life without him and I hope I won't have to.  I also understand as I go from home to home, that there are no guarantees and I may end up alone but I sure hope not.


20 years ago, I was raising a 3 month old that shifted the world on its axis.  Interestingly enough, she still does.  She called tonight from her summer job at camp to wish me a happy birthday and I cried.  She is an old soul and has taught me more love than any human being.  


My sons, on the other hand, are out tonight.  They are at church, hanging out with buddies.  I noticed that when I look out from my office window, they put up bird houses so I can look at them when I am working.  So cute, those boys...


My days, this last week, has been defined by a patient that living his last days.  He is patient, kind and loving to the end.  He is not ready to leave although I think, watching him these last days, it would be easier to go.  But he is not ready...


Today I went to see him and mentioned that it was my birthday as I was leaving...he wished me a happy birthday and thanked me for coming on my special day.  He talked about how I should have a great day and smiled a beautiful smile.  I walked to my car and cried.  I can't think of a birthday wish that meant more.


So I'm 48...looking hard at 50.  Trying to get in shape and doing okay.  I think I may be close to the best shape of my life.  I still need to lose another 30 but hey, I got about 25 off.  I have a job that I feel like I can do until I can't anymore and I have a family that I couldn't love any harder...


Do I wish I had more money?  Sure... Do I wish I had less wrinkles and less gray hair?  Sure.  But if I had to hang it up tomorrow, I can't tell you how lucky I am...How lucky I am to have cared for the dying, to have been loved so deeply by my husband, to have raised kids that are going to pass that deep love on...  


So I want to tell the world how thankful I am to have had such a rich 48 years and I hope to have 48 more...but...if I don't, I have been so lucky to have the first 48, really.  


So I have to say, thanks for reading the drivel...the day to day struggles of a mom, nurse and middle aged mess...thanks so much!


Tawk to you soon
I love you all,
Terry