Sunday, October 21, 2012

Losing ground...

I'm putting on the weight I lost.  In the Joy family...when we refer to someone who is putting on weight, we say they "blew up."  The conversation usually went something like this..."Have you seen so and so lately, I wonder how she is doing?" to which my brother, Uncle Joe, would reply, "I saw her at the store...she blew up."  I didn't think a thing about that phrase until my husband heard it at a family gathering and burst into laughter.  I didn't understand what was so funny but now, when we get together and I hear it...it is kind of funny.

So, as in the Joy fashion...I am blowing back up.  I am still exercising 5 days a week and was eating well but slowly it's creeping back on.  My pants are getting tighter, my skin is jiggling more and I can just tell.  Not good...

As for most people who have weight issues, it is on my mind all the time.  "What should I eat?" I think when I come out of my exercise class starving.  "I'll have a cheese stick and some water" I tell myself.  Then, I eat that and am still starving and am just mad that I am still fat when I eat stuff like that.  It is a most vicious cycle.

Last week, when I was feeling really fat and mad, poor Jim walked up to me at my computer.  I looked over at him and if looks could kill, he would have been lying on the kitchen floor.  He was too close to me and looking over my shoulder.  Don't ever read over my shoulder especially when I am fat and premenstrual and perimenopausal!

After exercise class, I decided that I am overly hormonal and may, if the conditions are right, eat a whole chocolate cake with a gallon of ice cream and if Jim comes near me...kill him.  I needed to get some help and fast.  So guess what I did...I headed to the Vitamin Cottage and walked directly to the menopause aisle and started reading all the bottles.  I need something fast to even me out before I do blow up and kill someone in the same sitting!!!

I settled on this mid-priced menopause herbal pill that should even me out.  It was about 30 dollars for the bottle and should last 30 days.  Just buying these things made me feel more benevolent towards my husband.  Just for good measure, I bought a bottle of the green coffee bean pills that I heard about on Dr. Oz.  Those are supposed to get rid of belly fat right away.  Okay, I was feeling really good and felt like I have a plan for the next wave of craziness.  Life was gonna be good from now on.

I got in the car and decided, hey, what would it hurt if I took the new pills now...maybe by lunch time, I wouldn't be ready to chew on the table leg or the person next to me's leg and I would seem somewhat normal.  Well, guess again.  The pills are about the size of a large grape.  How the frick am I supposed to choke that down every day...black cohosh or not?  Listen, I was so desperate that I did.  It was painful but I did it.

My friend at the gym swears by these things.  She said her sister was about to ruin her life and then she got these pills from Vitamin cottage and changed her life.  Needless to say, I was waiting.  The day went on, the intensity of my self loathing and husband loathing ebbed and flowed and nothing different happened.  I was and still am, just a nasty middle aged woman who is blowing up.  

Early afternoon, my husband called me to "check in".  I married a brave man, I must say.  He said he noticed that I was a little "out of sorts" and did I want to go out on a date.  "No, I don't" I said thinking I was probably doing him a favor, "I'm going to Wine, Women and Whatever at church."  I could hear to audible sigh of relief.  Then I went over to the high school to pick up my youngest and take him home.  "What are we doing tonight, Mom" he asked and I stated again that I was going to church.  "Then can we stop at Safeway and I will get some steaks and potatoes for dinner for Dad and I?"  he said joyfully.  "Sure" I said not knowing how to take that.   I think he was too polite to say what he was thinking...a night without her gritching and complaining about Dad and I...a night where we can put the ball game on and hang out without her calling up from upstairs to ask us to do something...this is gonna be awesome.  "I bet you'll have a good time tonight', he said.  Smart boy, that son of mine.

The Wine, Woman and Whatever night was good actually.  A few of us are in our late 40's feeling different than we did in our thirties and even early 40's.  We painted bowls for a fundraiser, drank wine and discussed our lives.  We live each others lives, in different fashion and with different tools... 

When it was over, a few of my buddies wanted to stay out, so we went down the road to a little bar and sat and visited about our kids, the high school ones, the ones that are out of the house, the ones getting married.  It was very different than when they were little ones at home and we worried about birthday parties, sports teams and what instrument they should play.  This was about our hopes and dreams for them as they begin to  navigate the real world.  We also talked about our lives, the different path it takes when we are without kids at home, when our bodies are not behaving and when we feel kinda crazy.  Nothing a few glasses of wine couldn't make better though.

So hey...I'm blowing up.  I am not happy about it and I am not giving up but I am gonna get real about whats going on.  Late 40's is late 40's...belly out in front, skin falling off the bone and more aches and pains than I want to talk about.  

Tomorrow, I'll take a run at it again, hit the gym, take my mid-priced menopausal pill and try not to choke and I will definitely take the green coffee bean pills and see where the belly fat goes...I am not too proud!

Here's to estrogen declining, testosterone taking over and trying not to become a man...so there!

We'll tawk tomorrow,
I love you all,


Elizabeth said...

Oh, my god -- I was so tempted to laugh at this whole post if I didn't start crying. I'm with you, baby, I'm with you.

Ms. Moon said...

I know you don't want to hear this but...it only gets worse.
Oh Terry. Keep exercising. That's all I can say.

vicky said...

Dam you are funny. and soo true.