January 1, 2013 and I am sitting here thinking about resolutions. I have the usual resolutions that I have made every year since I was 5...lose weight, exercise more, blah, blah, blah.
This year, I am thinking about how foolish these resolutions have been and are. I mean, it's great to lose weight and it's great to exercise and honestly, I exercise quite a bit.
The losing weight part for me is the difficult part because I get so much joy out of a good meal and a nice cocktail. I am not very different that most people with those feelings. I understand now why it has to stop or at least slow down a little.
In 2013, I will be 49. This body has produced 3 children, taken care of countless people and wept for not being able to take care of countless more...this body needs to be taken care of.
I need to take care of me. Just typing that statement feels wrong and selfish. "You are fine" my head tells me, "and don't let on that you're not." Well, I am fine but I could use a little attention and work on me, myself and I.
I'm not talking about changing major things in my life. I am talking about giving myself a break. I'm talking about working on changing those voices in my head that tell me I'm not good enough and I need to do better...get the laundry done, mop the floor, be a better wife and by God, lose weight! I have been led by those voices for a lot of years and what I did to keep them quiet...was to keep busy. I was the PTA president, Sunday school teacher, class mother, swimming teacher, and whatever else I could fit in while raising the kids and working. To be perfectly honest, I don't know what it is to relax and quiet the voices in my head...never have really.
Those voices are some of the reason that a nice glass of wine at night became the usual. I could pour it up and look forward to the voices in my head that usually let me know all the things I didn't get done...quiet down. Those voices were feeling the calm of the alcohol like I was. Problem is...that's a problem. Occasionally it's not a problem but every night...it becomes a problem.
Here's the thing...a glass of wine to relax makes for a nice night. But, it also makes for a relaxed attitude in food choices for dinner and portion sizes at dinner because...who cares now if your fat? Not me honey, I'm relaxed...
Anyway...I digress. But, I am thinking I need to ease off the pink wine and keep the alcohol to a minimum during the week or, sad to say, none at all. I have to say that I am going to miss my nightly glass of wine like I missed my cigarettes after I quit. Those vices, sadly, become my friends.
OK, so I am not drinking. What am I supposed to do with the voices in my head? I have been thinking I should tell the voices all the good things I do and move on. In counseling terms, I am using positive affirmations. God knows I spent enough time on the couch to dig up some of that advice...
I also want to continue to work on being genuine...as my husband says, "Be who you are". Sometimes being who I am is painful...but it is who I am.
"So what's the point?" I say to my husband when he begins to ramble on...and I think it applies to me and this blog post. What is the point?
The point is that sometimes I/we can get in the way of success in our resolutions, our lives and our day to day happiness. Sometimes it's just being who we are and who we are is negative, or a pessimist or we just can't get past a hurt that we wish we could.
Listen, we all have 24 hours in a day, no more...no less. We all have obligations to family, kids, parents...pets. None of us are independently wealthy so we are working or supporting someone else who works to pay the bills. Those things are what we can count on every day in some fashion. Now, I think we can also count on overwhelming sadness at some point in our lives. All of us, bar none, because none of us get out of here alive.
The question is...what are we gonna do in between? Listen to those voices that beat us down...or change them and build us up? Are we going to struggle for more things we don't need and work harder to pay the bills? Or, are we gonna take our kids outside and hike, pack lunches and spend the time. Are we gonna live in worry and fear or screw those feelings and live in joy? Those parents of those precious babies in Sandy Hook didn't expect to be burying any of them when they dropped them off at school. They thought they had unlimited time with them...well guess what? That could have been any of us if we really think about it...and who wants to.
My resolution is to live in joy...spend more time with the people I love and worry less about measuring up. I will treat my body better and see if it treats me better. I hope it does. Oh and the last resolution for 2013...I will love more fully, be it a good meal or my husband of 24 years and...I hope to laugh more often and at times so hard...that I wet my pants!
Now that's what I call living in joy!
We'll tawk tomorrow,
I love you all,