I ran today. Jim signed me and Howie up for a half marathon in August. I want to let you all know that I am not a runner. I can't seem to shut my mind down to run. As I start, the voices in my head begin, "wait, don't you hate running? You are not a runner...etc" and I begin to slow down and then stop and walk. So, honestly, I am not a runner.
So after my run, which was a run a mile, walk 3/4 mile and run a mile and a half and then walk home, I asked Jim to take this picture. I have no concept of how big I am and was thinking that maybe it was time. I typically avoid pictures at all costs because I think I am so fat...So this picture is not so bad. Let's face it, I am no skinny-minny and have never been.
Wait, after I had an abdominal surgery, I was 168 pounds and the 14's were falling off of me...but I was sick. That was in 2004 and I have fought the fight ever since.
So today, I looked online and found a training program www.runningthroughlife.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/Half-Marathon-20-Week-Training-Plan-Level-1-Beginner.pdf, to use and started the process. I hooked up the fattest dog we have, Buster, and began to run down the driveway. It was a little icy and I was worried that I would fall...and he was pulling...so when I tried to change the leash from one hand to the other, he ran off.
I made it up to a neighbors mailbox and figured that was a mile and started to walk. I was sweating like a pig and breathing really hard. My brain was telling me I wasn't a runner and my body was telling me that I was old. I just kept walking up the hill and looked around. The sky was blue and there wasn't a cloud in the sky...beautiful. I thought about my week and how I had lost a patient and it had been a year since my brother in law had left us...and kept walking. I decided to widen my stride as I walked...
Next thing I knew, my youngest son showed up with the dogs...the one that ran away from me and our shepherd. "You want Bailey, Mom?' I heard him ask. "Dad told me not to give you her because you let Buster run away..." and He handed me Bailey and ran away.
I continued up the hill and watched Bailey's ears bob up and down as she walked. All of a sudden, I wasn't hearing the voices in my head but enjoying the movement of her ears and the beautiful sky and trees around me. Every so often, I would tell her she was a good girl, and she would look back at me and smile with her tongue hanging out of her mouth...one of those things that you have to see to believe.
Before I knew it, I was almost home. Three miles of walking and running and battling my mind...The dogs have been walked and I got my first day of training in. I was happy to get that over with.
My self image is a battle...it seems almost crazy. I don't like getting old, don't like being fat and just can't come to grips with that part of my life.
Interesting really, because on the outside, I seem so together...able to help people die, help my husband raise amazing people that are from my body...and can connect with most people when I meet them. But I can't get over myself...
I wonder what that is about...it is selfish, shameful or just dramatic?
On Thursday, I went to the doctor because my insurance has changed and I needed refills for my high blood pressure medicine. This doctor is a integrative practitioner and uses herbs and vitamins instead of medications. Of course, when she looked at me, she told me I need to lose weight. Then she talked about how she would bet that I am "Gluten intolerant" and I would lose weight if I just gave up Gluten...I am sure I would lose weight if I just ate less too...but that is the problem!!
So today, I ran. I ate too much, drank too much wine and watched the CU basketball game hoping to see my kids on TV. I did a couple of loads of laundry and tidied up the house. I went to the grocery store and got food for the week....the things that keep a house going and make a house a home.
And, I started a training program...so that I can run a half marathon in August...
What else am I gonna do?
We'll tawk tomorrow,
I love you all,