Training...

I ran today.  Jim signed me and Howie up for a half marathon in August.  I want to let you all know that I am not a runner.  I can't seem to shut my mind down to run.  As I start, the voices in my head begin, "wait, don't you hate running?  You are not a runner...etc" and I begin to slow down and then stop and walk.  So, honestly, I am not a runner.

So after my run, which was a run a mile, walk 3/4 mile and run a mile and a half and then walk home, I asked Jim to take this picture.  I have no concept of how big I am and was thinking that maybe it was time.  I typically avoid pictures at all costs because I think I am so fat...So this picture is not so bad.  Let's face it, I am no skinny-minny and have never been.

Wait, after I had an abdominal surgery, I was 168 pounds and the 14's were falling off of me...but  I was sick.  That was in 2004 and I have fought the fight ever since.  

So today, I looked online and found a training program  www.runningthroughlife.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/Half-Marathon-20-Week-Training-Plan-Level-1-Beginner.pdf, to use and started the process.  I hooked up the fattest dog we have, Buster, and began to run down the driveway.  It was a little icy and I was worried that I would fall...and he was pulling...so when I tried to change the leash from one hand to the other, he ran off.

I made it up to a neighbors mailbox and figured that was a mile and started to walk.  I was sweating like a pig and breathing really hard. My brain was telling me I wasn't a runner and my body was telling me that I was old.  I just kept walking up the hill and looked around.  The sky was blue and there wasn't a cloud in the sky...beautiful.  I thought about my week and how I had lost a patient and it had been a year since my brother in law had left us...and kept walking.  I decided to widen my stride as I walked...

Next thing I knew, my youngest son showed up with the dogs...the one that ran away from me and our shepherd.   "You want Bailey, Mom?' I heard him ask.  "Dad told me not to give you her because you let Buster run away..." and He handed me Bailey and ran away.

I continued up the hill and watched Bailey's ears bob up and down as she walked.  All of a sudden, I wasn't hearing the voices in my head but enjoying the movement of her ears and the beautiful sky and trees around me.  Every so often, I would tell her she was a good girl, and she would look back at me and smile with her tongue hanging out of her mouth...one of those things that you have to see to believe.

Before I knew it, I was almost home.  Three miles of walking and running and battling my mind...The dogs have been walked and I got my first day of training in.  I was happy to get that over with.

My self image is a battle...it seems almost crazy.  I don't like getting old, don't like being fat and just can't come to grips with that part of my life.

Interesting really, because on the outside, I seem so together...able to help people die, help my husband raise amazing people that are from my body...and can connect with most people when I meet them.  But I can't get over myself...

I wonder what that is about...it is selfish, shameful or just dramatic?  

On Thursday, I went to the doctor because my insurance has changed and I needed refills for my high blood pressure medicine.  This doctor is a integrative practitioner and uses herbs and vitamins instead of medications.  Of course, when she looked at me, she told me I need to lose weight.  Then she talked about how she would bet that I am "Gluten intolerant" and I would lose weight if I just gave up Gluten...I am sure I would lose weight if I just ate less too...but that is the problem!! 

So today, I ran.  I ate too much, drank too much wine and watched the CU basketball game hoping to see my kids on TV.  I did a couple of loads of laundry and tidied up the house.  I went to the grocery store and got food for the week....the things that keep a house going and make a house a home.

And, I started a training program...so that I can run a half marathon in August...

What else am I gonna do?

We'll tawk tomorrow,

I love you all,

Terry