Desirability...
It's Friday night and my house is quiet except for the click, click, click of the bunny drinking from his bunny bottle. Jim and the kids are up on the mountain riding...for those of you who don't know the snow lingo..that is the word for snowboarding. Why we have to have another word for a perfectly good word...that I do not know.
Anyway, I have been gone for the last two weekends. The weekend before, I was at the middle school youth gathering for the lutheran church as the nurse. There were 650 middle schoolers there and I volunteered to watch over them. Talk about being crazy, eh?
Last weekend, I was in Florida visiting my family. I have a family member who is battling cancer and while I believe he is going to come through the fire...it was a tough time.
Now I'm home. There are teenagers to manage, a house to try to resurrect from the rubble and patients to tend to...oh, yes, and there is my husband.
When I got home on Monday, he met me at Staples with my "nurse bag" so I could get to work. When I called him to thank him during the day, he mentioned that we needed to go on a date Friday night to listen to music. Yeah, Ok, I said without enthusiasm. "A date at our age with a wife who looks like me" I thought. He proceeded to set up the plan for the night...go riding with the kids, and they will drop him off at the bar and I will be there waiting. We can drink and dance and have a great time. "I'm really looking forward to it" he told me.
The week went on a usual in the house with everyone doing what they do. Wednesdays are usually work for Jim and I, school for the boys, and then Youth group at church for the boys and I teach confirmation. No dinner as a family this night. He mentioned it again before bed that we were going out on Friday.
It's not that I don't love my husband dearly...well, I mean...I do...but sometimes...But, I am in a funny place with who I am "looks-wise". I am battling the bulge...rolls...mounds of fat and just don't feel very desirable. I always battle but some years it is better than others. This year, so far, is not going my way. So, I don't feel desirable, pretty, decent or even worthy of the attention that I am going to get.
I know, I know...how shallow of me...attention and love have nothing to do with how we look really, and I have to say that I don't get wrapped up in that myself. For me though, I don't give myself break. I don't know why either. I have spent some quality time on a therapist's couch and I had so many other issues to deal with that I guess we left that one out. Now as I approach the 5th decade, it is coming up to bite me.
My husband is a wonderful guy and he works hard and is a great father...maybe he deserves a pretty wife? Sometimes, I think that thought and even verbalize it. It's not that he doesn't tell me I am pretty...because he does. He tells me daily that he loves me and that he is lucky to be married to me...I think he is lying.
Me...I am a mess, really. I have trouble keeping my mouth shut, I say what is on my mind, I keep a terrible house, I get frustrated easily and I don't look too good these days. What about that picture of a person makes you lucky if you are married to me? What?
Thursday night came and we had to run errands together. We made it home and the family firmed up the plan for the evening. "You and dad are going on a date, Mom?" I heard my high schooler say..."We'll drop him off at the bar and you can call us if you get "snot-slinging" to drive you guys home" he finished. "We are not going to get "snot-slinging" I answered when my husband said..."What if we start doing shots of tequila?" "I may look alot better to myself after a shot or two of tequila" I thought. "You better be ready to pick us up" I told the boys.
So now it is Friday night and the kids and Jim are riding. I called the Queen to check where they were and she said, "Dad is real excited about this date, Mom". "Great" I thought "I guess we're still on."
I am going to head upstairs, try to find something that fits, take a shower...shave my legs...naaah...do my hair, put on some make up and try to look good. It is going to be a stretch with the way things are going but I have to try.
Maybe, just maybe, while I am driving over, a song will come on from the 80's when Jim and I were figuring out if we wanted to spend our life together and I will be taken back. Back to the time when I couldn't wait to see him and when I thought about him all the time...and if I have just enough tequila...I may even convince myself I still look like that! Now that's what I'm talking about...
We'll tawk tommorrow,
I love you all,
Terry
Anyway, I have been gone for the last two weekends. The weekend before, I was at the middle school youth gathering for the lutheran church as the nurse. There were 650 middle schoolers there and I volunteered to watch over them. Talk about being crazy, eh?
Last weekend, I was in Florida visiting my family. I have a family member who is battling cancer and while I believe he is going to come through the fire...it was a tough time.
Now I'm home. There are teenagers to manage, a house to try to resurrect from the rubble and patients to tend to...oh, yes, and there is my husband.
When I got home on Monday, he met me at Staples with my "nurse bag" so I could get to work. When I called him to thank him during the day, he mentioned that we needed to go on a date Friday night to listen to music. Yeah, Ok, I said without enthusiasm. "A date at our age with a wife who looks like me" I thought. He proceeded to set up the plan for the night...go riding with the kids, and they will drop him off at the bar and I will be there waiting. We can drink and dance and have a great time. "I'm really looking forward to it" he told me.
The week went on a usual in the house with everyone doing what they do. Wednesdays are usually work for Jim and I, school for the boys, and then Youth group at church for the boys and I teach confirmation. No dinner as a family this night. He mentioned it again before bed that we were going out on Friday.
It's not that I don't love my husband dearly...well, I mean...I do...but sometimes...But, I am in a funny place with who I am "looks-wise". I am battling the bulge...rolls...mounds of fat and just don't feel very desirable. I always battle but some years it is better than others. This year, so far, is not going my way. So, I don't feel desirable, pretty, decent or even worthy of the attention that I am going to get.
I know, I know...how shallow of me...attention and love have nothing to do with how we look really, and I have to say that I don't get wrapped up in that myself. For me though, I don't give myself break. I don't know why either. I have spent some quality time on a therapist's couch and I had so many other issues to deal with that I guess we left that one out. Now as I approach the 5th decade, it is coming up to bite me.
My husband is a wonderful guy and he works hard and is a great father...maybe he deserves a pretty wife? Sometimes, I think that thought and even verbalize it. It's not that he doesn't tell me I am pretty...because he does. He tells me daily that he loves me and that he is lucky to be married to me...I think he is lying.
Me...I am a mess, really. I have trouble keeping my mouth shut, I say what is on my mind, I keep a terrible house, I get frustrated easily and I don't look too good these days. What about that picture of a person makes you lucky if you are married to me? What?
Thursday night came and we had to run errands together. We made it home and the family firmed up the plan for the evening. "You and dad are going on a date, Mom?" I heard my high schooler say..."We'll drop him off at the bar and you can call us if you get "snot-slinging" to drive you guys home" he finished. "We are not going to get "snot-slinging" I answered when my husband said..."What if we start doing shots of tequila?" "I may look alot better to myself after a shot or two of tequila" I thought. "You better be ready to pick us up" I told the boys.
So now it is Friday night and the kids and Jim are riding. I called the Queen to check where they were and she said, "Dad is real excited about this date, Mom". "Great" I thought "I guess we're still on."
I am going to head upstairs, try to find something that fits, take a shower...shave my legs...naaah...do my hair, put on some make up and try to look good. It is going to be a stretch with the way things are going but I have to try.
Maybe, just maybe, while I am driving over, a song will come on from the 80's when Jim and I were figuring out if we wanted to spend our life together and I will be taken back. Back to the time when I couldn't wait to see him and when I thought about him all the time...and if I have just enough tequila...I may even convince myself I still look like that! Now that's what I'm talking about...
We'll tawk tommorrow,
I love you all,
Terry
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