Thursday, July 12, 2012

Almost wagon-time...

Yesterday it rained all day here.  The thunder and lightening were endless and it seemed as if the world was going to end.  It does that in Colorado but seemingly, when it does, everyone says the same thing..."We need the moisture" and goes on.

Here, where the water from the Gulf is 50 feet away in the canal, it feels dangerous when there are downpours and when the water collects in the street.  The grass is saturated and the canals are full.  

I feel out of sorts  this trip.  In the past, I always have an agenda.  It generally includes floating  in the pool, eating and drinking a bunch.  That's it.  I have had times when I visited and did not take my suit off or wash my hair the whole ten days...just ate, drank and floated.  

This trip, I have floated some but I don't want to turn into a leather bag anymore.  I put sunscreen on my face, and believe it or not, I have showered twice since I got here and changed my clothes.  Things have definitely gone down hill.

I have also been quiet and thinking a lot and wondering how I do what I do.  I think I'm beginning to understand how.  I don't stop long enough the think...and when I do, at least lately, it's with a cocktail.  I have learned the art of keeping my feelings out of the equation of life or at least feeling them in the safety of my home so I can quick...pour a drink in the evening.

That revelation is good and bad.  It's good because now I know what I have to do...go on the wagon.  But it's also bad because...I have to go on the wagon...

Jim and I talked about it before I left.  I asked if he had noticed that I was drinking more lately...and he said yes.  I didn't take offense really, I just thought that he was right.  Almost like I was looking at us talking from above and thinking it was time to figure out a new coping mechanism.

Now to figure out what that is going to be...

I have eliminated my eating as a coping mechanism, mostly and now I am going to eliminate my drinking coping mechanism.  Can't take it out on Jim...I mean, I guess I could but that wouldn't be nice, and I can't kick the dog.  So what is left?  

I have to think about it some more...and then decide.  But in the meantime, I'm gonna put my suit on and pour myself just a small drink and float.

Let me know if you have any better ideas...I would love to hear them.

We'll tawk tomorrow,
I love you all,

1 comment:

Elizabeth said...

You know, I always laugh in a dark way and state that I don't have a coping mechanism to deal with all the stress I have to deal with on a daily basis. And I don't, honestly, know "how I do it." I think for me it's always maintaining my sense of humor and absurdity -- but that, actually, is just something in my nature. I really, really recommend mindfulness meditation -- the practice of it, daily, can change your life. Anything written by Jon Kabat Zinn is a good place to start -- but definitely, if you're interested, look for the mindfulness meditation for stress reduction intro class. I know how spiritual you are, and this would totally complement it. They even have classes for caregivers working with the terminally ill.