Tuesday, July 10, 2012

The Quiet...

Yesterday, after the torrential rains, I floated in the pool for hours.  I dozed off and I thought about what life is about.  I fretted about eating and drinking too much, about my son going to college and about how my husband and I will do next year with one at home.  I thought about my sister and her new life, my car that needs fixing and how I want to get my toe nails done while I am here.   The last thing I thought as I laid on the float was how my hair grows in spurts on my legs and contemplated what that may mean.  

You know what that means?  I don't know what the hair thing means but I do know that when I am thinking about that, I'm not thinking about my job, and my patients...

I have been consumed with everyone else in my life for months now.  I have worried about my patient's pain, nausea, their families...the end of their lives and how to manage all that.  I have been worried about my son and my daughter and my husband's job.  My brain has been so engaged in thinking about others that I haven't stopped to think about myself.

It sounds funny to say that as I have been on a quest to be fit and healthy...so I must be thinking about myself.  But, I don't think I was.  When I got to the gym in the morning, I would set my phone to the side and check it every few minutes, just in case I would miss an important call that my patients needed me.  Then I would shower and be available almost 24/7 to care for them.  Sounds like a martyr, doesn't it?

I can tell you that I don't want to be and am not a martyr.   I just work really hard and seem to never be done.  When I left for Florida, it was so hard.  I felt guilty for going on vacation!  What is that?   The world, the agency, my patients will do just fine without me...even my family.  

I've read the National Enquirer while I was here and looked at the 50 best and worst beach bodies, slept until almost 9 am and haven't washed my hair or showered since Friday.  

Don't I look awesome?

It's quiet here.  My one sister is at work and my other one is waiting on a refrigerator for her house across the street.  I am alone without anything to do...No charting to catch up on, no laundry to throw in or fold or sort...nothing.  The quiet and idleness makes me a little uncomfortable but I can feel a sense of peace creeping into my mind.  

I was just wondering what to do for the rest of the day and it feels so good.  I don't have to do anything.  I haven't gotten my pool time in today, so that is an option along with reading the paper and the new Star magazine where poor Jessica Simpson is blowing up.  I think I will wait until 5 to hit the pink wine, put some dinner on for my sisters and cherish the alone time.  

I wonder sometimes if I can quiet my mind and stop thinking...

Today, I realize that I can if I just take the time and quiet to do it.  I am going to do this more often...

Enjoy the rest of your day.
We'll tawk tomorrow,
I love you all,


Ms. Moon said...

You look gorgeous and happy and relaxed!

Elizabeth said...

I have no idea why it's so damn difficult to do these things for oneself. No idea at all. I'm glad, though, that someone is! Have fun! Breathe! Sleep! Relax!