Yesterday, after the torrential rains, I floated in the pool for hours. I dozed off and I thought about what life is about. I fretted about eating and drinking too much, about my son going to college and about how my husband and I will do next year with one at home. I thought about my sister and her new life, my car that needs fixing and how I want to get my toe nails done while I am here. The last thing I thought as I laid on the float was how my hair grows in spurts on my legs and contemplated what that may mean.
You know what that means? I don't know what the hair thing means but I do know that when I am thinking about that, I'm not thinking about my job, and my patients...
I have been consumed with everyone else in my life for months now. I have worried about my patient's pain, nausea, their families...the end of their lives and how to manage all that. I have been worried about my son and my daughter and my husband's job. My brain has been so engaged in thinking about others that I haven't stopped to think about myself.
It sounds funny to say that as I have been on a quest to be fit and healthy...so I must be thinking about myself. But, I don't think I was. When I got to the gym in the morning, I would set my phone to the side and check it every few minutes, just in case I would miss an important call that my patients needed me. Then I would shower and be available almost 24/7 to care for them. Sounds like a martyr, doesn't it?
I can tell you that I don't want to be and am not a martyr. I just work really hard and seem to never be done. When I left for Florida, it was so hard. I felt guilty for going on vacation! What is that? The world, the agency, my patients will do just fine without me...even my family.
I've read the National Enquirer while I was here and looked at the 50 best and worst beach bodies, slept until almost 9 am and haven't washed my hair or showered since Friday.
Don't I look awesome?
It's quiet here. My one sister is at work and my other one is waiting on a refrigerator for her house across the street. I am alone without anything to do...No charting to catch up on, no laundry to throw in or fold or sort...nothing. The quiet and idleness makes me a little uncomfortable but I can feel a sense of peace creeping into my mind.
I was just wondering what to do for the rest of the day and it feels so good. I don't have to do anything. I haven't gotten my pool time in today, so that is an option along with reading the paper and the new Star magazine where poor Jessica Simpson is blowing up. I think I will wait until 5 to hit the pink wine, put some dinner on for my sisters and cherish the alone time.
I wonder sometimes if I can quiet my mind and stop thinking...
Today, I realize that I can if I just take the time and quiet to do it. I am going to do this more often...
Enjoy the rest of your day.
We'll tawk tomorrow,
I love you all,