Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Please excuse me for this post...

I woke up this morning on the verge of tears.  I lie in bed with a feeling of dread, sadness and wondering what to do.  I remember that feeling and still have them, but nothing like today.  Today, the feeling was almost heart stopping.

Last week was one for the books, work wise.  I lost two patients in a  span of 18 hours and and kept on going.  I had a dear friend staying with us, dropped the Queen off at the airport for the summer, did a 19th birthday for my son, and got through Mother's day.

It all sounds so wonderful, except for the work stuff, doesn't it?  Even the work stuff could not have gone better.  The patients were so peaceful and surrounded by the families...not exactly like in the movies but darn close.

I am wondering what my problem is then...Could it be that every bone in my body aches and some are worse than others?  I am sure that all this sadness, this emotional stuff takes a toll on me...or maybe it's the sugar, wine and pasta that I eat non-stop to get through this stuff.  Can you say "Gluten intolerant"?  My heel on my left foot is killing me, my lower back on my right side is too...enough that when I get up to go to the bathroom at night, I can't step on my heel and my back is aching.  Lovely...

My husband wants me to go to the doctor and I would, but I am sure they are going to find something and I will be my own patient...at least in my mind, that is how it is going to go for me.  While I think that is okay, I think about my 16 year old and how he doesn't need to go through that and if I wait until he is headed to college to go to the doctor, he will be spared the heart ache.  Sounds crazy, huh?  Welcome to my world on some days...

Here's a great example...my youngest has AP tests this week and has been studying.  No, not really, but he is prepared to study.  I mean, the test is tomorrow, so why start any earlier than the night before?  Anyway, he was looking for his book and practice tests this morning and was convinced that when the company was coming, I put them somewhere.  I am sure I did, but for the life of me, I couldn't remember where.  As he asked me, I began to cry...and he began to feel bad and Jim began to raise his voice because I was crying.  Does any of this make sense?  If I wasn't so out of sorts, it would be hilarious but it wasn't so funny this morning. 

But now, the house is quiet except for the music I have on.  I am finishing my last cup of coffee and will get ready for work.  Today is meetings and patients and sitting in the car.  My 19 year old is in bed and probably will be until I come home at 3 pm...he is still on college time.   In 11 days, I will send him off to camp to be a counselor for the summer.  God help those kids that have him watching over them!  Then, it's down to us again...me, Jim and my youngest...

I tend to let my heart get really hard after a run of sadness like this so I can not feel a thing...avoid these black "wake ups".  No emotion, no pain and definitely no love. When I finally got up and sat at the kitchen table,I began to think about how the black was taking over.   Quietly, Jim asked me how I was today.  I looked over at him with tears in my eyes and said "I'm fine".  He came over to hug me and I shoved him away...I have to keep that part of my heart shut down and avoid these feelings or my heart may break in half.

So I guess I need to wrap up this complaining session, change my thinking and look at the bright side.  I can and will but it may take more time today than usual.  That's okay, I mean, for today...I have time and pasta and after 5...plenty of wine.  Sounds like a good plan, huh?


We'll tawk tomorrow,
I love you all,


Elizabeth said...

I am sorry, Terry, and hope that this feeling passes and that what follows sustains you. I think all those feelings that you have -- whatever the reasons -- are not uncommon, but I worry about your physical symptoms. Is it possible that you could have lyme disease? A friend of mine contracted it, thought she was literally going crazy with her physical and emotional symptoms, but when she was finally treated, she recovered.

It's just a thought, and please forgive my presumption (you are a nurse, after all!) if you've already thought of this! I wish you well.

janzi said...

Oh dear girl, no wonder you get so sad, that life is so busy, without all the caring for patients that you do.. if you are on the brink of tears all the time, and its close no matter what you do, it probably means you need a break from your work>? Doing what you do is bound to take it out of you, and then running a growing family and dealing with all the things that entails, I am not at all surprised that you are on the edge.. Your heart is huge to be able to help these people lose their loved ones, and for the loved ones to have an easier transition - but it must be very draining on you- I think that you must stop beating yourself up and get a little 'me ' time and rest up and recharge.. if that means taking a few days off, then perhaps you should think seriously about doing a bit to recharge your batteries.. I admire you for your tenacity in doing all that you do, and sending big hugs from across the pond.. janzi

Anonymous said...

We love you too. Please take care of yourself, or let Jim do it for you.