Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Life goes on...

I have been home for 5 days now from my trip.  I seem to feel more exhausted with the passing of each day.  Tonight, I came home from work and just sat on the couch until dinner and then went up to lay down on my bed.  Just so tired...

I don't have time to be this tired...really.  I still have patients to see, sons to drive to baseball, a house to try to keep clean and life to live.  The thought of all of this is overwhelming.  Yet...I just came back from a place that was so poor that they had nothing to do.  They sat in plastic chairs, nursing babies with their feet in the mud, without the daddy's around to help them, without the hope of a job.  They did with out decent medical care, with out water to drink that doesn't make one ill...and I am complaining of being tired. 

Interesting feelings all of this evokes.  I should be eternally grateful and be thanking God and my lucky stars for what I have.  I should be jumping out of bed in the morning, heading to my exercise class and then going to work...cheering at my son's games and being happy.  But you know what?  I'm not...frankly, I think I am a little depressed and confused. 

So there...I said it.  I am down, depressed...confused.  Why though?  I can't understand why.  Is it the menopause thing and I have trouble handling life?  Is it a let down because I was so productive there and here I am not?  Or...am I an overweight, 47 year old woman who just can't work that hard anymore? 

All I know is...it's time to perk up.  To be thankful for the life I have here.  I gotta set the alarm and get out of bed and get going.  Tommorrow morning, I am going to say good bye to the thoughts at the pity party and figure it out.  That is what I am gonna do.

But...to be honest, I am so tired I'm gonna go to bed. 

We'll tawk tommorrow,
I love you all,


Elizabeth said...

Ah-- don't judge yourself. This, too, will pass. I'm big into mindfulness meditation and when I'm feeling these feelings -- and they're startling close to yours -- I just try to observe them, breathe through them, be patient about them. What you did and went through was enormous, perhaps life-changing -- so much to process and think about. I can't imagine that five days is a long time to still be processing it a bit, still in culture shock.

Go easy on yourself.

Lo said...

It is too big a job for just one person.

You get a star in your crown for your empathy and your wonderful efforts to help those in need. But in order to be able to keep doing good you gotta learn that you, alone, cannot save the world.

Give yourself a big hug....one from me too.....and recharge without guilt or remorse. You are one of the good guys! The world needs you.

Love, Lo

Ms. Moon said...

It's okay to be depressed. For whatever reason. Trying to logic your way out of it doesn't work. Of course you are tired!
It's not pity to take care of yourself. Honestly, Terry. It's not.

Terry Joy said...

@ Elizabeth, Lo and Ms. Moon:

You are all so right. Yes you are. I am sure all of this is a combination of all kinds of things. Including the battles in my head. I will take you girls advice though and lighten up on myself. Time seems to go on whether one is tired or depressed or not, huh. I guess this time...too much perspective is not a good thing. Thanks again and love you all!