It's June 10th and in a short few days...I will have been on this earth 47 years. 47 years and one would think I would be wiser. But instead of being wiser, I tend to do the same things that get me nowhere over and over and over again. I AM THE DEFINITION OF STUPID! Now, don't jump to the comments section to make me feel better. I know I'm not stupid...but to continue to do things the same way that get the same outcome when it is not the outcome that you want...I have heard that is the definition of stupid.
Here are a few examples that just showcase the issues. I am overweight...and I can finally say, that I may very well be the heaviest I have ever been. I had to go to the store and buy size 18 pants to wear. I have never had to do that before. Now buying bigger pants, that's not stupid, that's smart. To wear clothes that fit well and are not strangling me is brilliant. But, here is where the stupid comes in. I have always, always, always wanted to be thinner. I have been thinner and I know what I am supposed to do to be thinner and for a 47 year old woman, I would say it would also make me healthier, feel better, look better and hence...be happier. You would think it would be a no brainer.
But, it is not a no brainer because I know all this but continue to do the things that support the "stupid" behavior. I also spend time fooling myself about it. I used to avoid the scale...but now I don't. I was hoping the number would shock me into a change that is permanent but alas...I just say..."oh well, that scale has to be wrong" and move about my day. I think that is stupid behavior.
The next thing makes me think I am not playing with a full deck... I have my own business and sure, it looks great and I can remember thinking that would be just the best thing ever. Well, for me, it is not. I will admit right here...I am no business woman. I am a mom first and a nurse second and multiple other things before I am a business woman. It took me alot of billing and not getting paid to get that. As a matter of fact, I am still owed money and it doesn't seem to help to bill the people. They must be bad business people too, huh?
Oh and another thing. I spent alot of my time when the kids were little being ultra organized with lists and schedules. I was so proud that I could do all that and still keep a plate in mid air. I was so proud that my identity depended on it. After my business started to fall apart...not really, it's just that I was sick of working for free because I wasn't having any fun...I had time on my hands. I went to the gym, I cleaned my house, I cooked dinners and spent time with family and friends. But, I also would get on my favorite couch in the living room with the sun shining in and read the paper. Or, if you are missing a few cards from the deck, read the paper and then fall asleep in the sun. I didn't want to fall asleep every day...or should I say...I wanted to but didn't think I should. That made me feel like I wasn't keeping the plates in the air and doing my crazy life very well.
So I got a job...doing Hospice. I love it, I do but I also felt that familiar crazy, stupid voice saying...didn't you do this and it made the house crazy? I remember the voice and I remember my reply to the voice...Be quiet voice...I can do this and this time it will be different. Yep...just plain stupid.
Finally, it was thrown in my face. I got a message from a facebook friend that spurred me to think about this again. In the mix of my life, I do tons of things that I just don't give a second thought to. In one of those things that I am doing, my face book friend wrote: You seem so overwhelmed...and then went on to tell me what she could do to help. When I read that, it made me mad. I started to think... what is she was talking about...and those voices in my head had a field day (after having a therapuetic cocktail session with my girls in NC). But there was another voice that was creeping in and saying she was kinda right. I yelled at that one too...Voice...you don't even know me and I am just doing what I do...to which the voice responded to me in a whisper...stupid, huh?
Next week, I am going to Nicaragua and I love that trip. I get to use my spanish and give out meds. I get to see my girls in the hood in Somoto and they get to love me up. I also get to watch my sons building houses and playing soccer with friends they met a few years ago. My husband becomes young again there too. That permanent scowl that he has on his almost 50 year old face softens when he hangs with his amigos and tries to communicate in his "Spanglish" while the guys humor him. And yes, it is something I have done for four years now and it is beyond stressful to get ready. But once we walk away from the house...It is awesome. I guess I have stupid "gray area's" that make it all the harder to figure things out.
The Hospice job is not stupid either. After I pull into the driveway of my patient's house, I sit in my car and clear my brain. I slow down and quiet my issues to focus on theirs. I use my brain and my heart and try to understand my role. And I do love every minute of that...honestly every minute.
So...finally...my brain just told me...ENOUGH WITH THE STUPID.
HERE'S WHAT YOU DO...
*WHEN YOU ARE IN NICARAGUA...DRINK THE WATER, GET THE WATER BORN ILLNESS AND LOSE WEIGHT WITHOUT TRYING...that'll be easy...not too stupid either because I will get thin.
*BY THE WAY, THROW THE SCALE OUT...IT CAN'T BE RIGHT.
enough said there...
*INSTEAD OF HAVING THAT BUSINESS, JUST SAY NO TO BAD BUSINESS PEOPLE LIKE YOURSELF...solved that one.
*IF YOU ARE OVERWHELMED, HIRE A HOUSE KEEPER AND YOU CAN STILL COME HOME AND "READ THE PAPER"...IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! yes, yes and yes.
So, you see. I have done the whole circle of thinking and now am sure that I am the smartest almost 47 year old woman on the face of the earth. That is how things go in my head and I guess that is just how I survive. And actually, I do more than survive but...I do think sometimes it is just plain stupid.
Thanks for listening and hopefully getting a chuckle here and there.
I gotta run...really and get a few things done. Stupid...nah, just the way it goes when you live in my head.
We'll tawk tommorrow,
I love you all,