Saturday, August 6, 2011

Down 10...

When I was on the Island...and when I say, Island...I make it sound like I am from Jamaica...I threw caution to the wind.  I mean caution in the area of self control.  Every night, while waiting for dinner to cook, we had poo-poo's ( which is the Island word for hors-de-vors) with our first two cocktails.  Then we had dinner with our second round of 2 cocktails.  Then, we bought the party pail of ice cream and had that before going to bed to listen to the ocean.  Sounds like a dream and I assure you, to me it was.

But, you know me and my obsession and shame over being a large woman...Well, let me tell you, I am now an extra large woman.  I have that stomach thing, the roll that hangs over the roll on my stomach.  I have the butt in the front thing that I have to zip my pants to.  If you think it sounds funny, you ought to see how it looks.

Anywhoo...on Tuesday, I found the motivation.  I zipped my size 18's...yes, 18's and they were tight.  You see, on the Island, I wore a bathing suit with a little (big) moo-moo over it so it was easy not to see the damage.  But on Tuesday morning, the world came crashing down on me in front of the mirror.  I had hopped out of the shower and managed not to look at myself except to notice my hair and face.  Then, I quickly put on all my clothes and busied my thoughts with the mess my bedroom was.  But then...I tried to zip the pants and I was forced to look in the mirror.  This time, I didn't beat myself up...I pulled off the pants and put on some other ones that fit because they had been stretched out so much that I could wear them and got going.  I told myself I would talk to me later...

I drive alot in my work to folks homes.  I have alot of time in the car.  On Tuesday, I thought about myself.  About how I have this weird thing with food and how that first bite always calms me down.  The food thing is like when I was a smoker.  I used to associate everything good with a smoke...but, I gave that up 20 years ago and still have had good times.  I thought about how when I let myself eat with abandon, I feel pretty lousy after it is all over, about how my feet swell up with salt, and sometimes if I lay down after I am full, I feel the whole meal in my throat all night.  Well...I told myself...that is certainly not comforting or fun...

So I started on Tuesday...apple and cheese for lunch and a salad with chicken for dinner.  It wasn't too hard.  I did move my computer back up to my office instead of in the kitchen, and I also cleaned up the kitchen after dinner and "closed" it. (When I had 3 school aged kids, I would announce after dinner that the KITCHEN IS CLOSED,
so they wouldn't use dishes after I had cleaned it.)

Wednesday was more of the same...I was hungry to be honest.  But, I hadn't felt my stomach growl in so many months that it was music to my ears.  I also went for a walk on Tuesday and Wednesday.  I am back to walks when I used to be able to go to kickboxing and last an hour and a half.  But...at least I am moving some.

This morning, I got on the scale.  I had 2 glasses of my pink wine last night when Jim and I sat and visited before dinner.  I am not going to give that up.  But, we did not have any poo-poo's and that was different.  I usually would pull out the tortilla chips and make my guacamole but I didn't.  Back to the scale...I am down 10 pounds from when I got on the scale last Monday night after we got home.  Now, I am sure that it is water weight, but I can see my feet and I don't have cankles...I have actual ankle bones.  My pants are still tight and the butt in the front thing is still here and will be for a long time. 

But, for the first time in a long time, I have some hope.  I am not beating myself up for getting fat and old...I am just accepting it.  And...I'm working on it in a different way.  I'm not mad because I can't eat. In the car on Tuesday, myself and I decided eating all that crap really isn't all it's cracked up to be.  I also gave myself  a good dose of reality mixed in with all this.  I am 47 and guess what?  I ain't getting any younger.  At this point,  it's more about being able to move well and do the things I want to do that are more than eating. 

So here we go again.  Diet number 70,001 but this time...I am sure it's gonna work.  Actually, I don't know what to think except I know when I have some real "stick -to -it-- iv -ness" and I am thinking for at least today...I am on board!

So the Island time was more valuable than I thought at first. I recommend, if you're fat like me, put on the bathing suit and the moo-moo, cover up all the sins of the past and enjoy.  Then when you get back, take a good look at yourself and if your anything like me...closing down the eating machine for a week or two will be easy.  The only thing is...I may have to go back to the Islands in a few weeks for some more motivation.  Anyone in?

We'll tawk later,
I love you all,


Ms. Moon said...

Definitely in. Love you...M

Cynthia said...

I could book us now...I have the miles!

Elizabeth said...

I'm in, too.

I'm 47 until the 27th.

I did that cleanse diet a few months back -- cut out sugar and dairy and wheat and meat -- and lost nearly thirteen pounds which was the most I'd ever lost at once. I've tried to keep the sugar out and must say that it's the sugar that kills me. I appreciate your words about eating and emotions, and I also appreciate your honesty. It's a bitch getting old and constantly worrying about one's weight and worrying about the worrying, too. Hell, let's keep going, though and meet in the tropics in our size tens. :)