When I was on the Island...and when I say, Island...I make it sound like I am from Jamaica...I threw caution to the wind. I mean caution in the area of self control. Every night, while waiting for dinner to cook, we had poo-poo's ( which is the Island word for hors-de-vors) with our first two cocktails. Then we had dinner with our second round of 2 cocktails. Then, we bought the party pail of ice cream and had that before going to bed to listen to the ocean. Sounds like a dream and I assure you, to me it was.
But, you know me and my obsession and shame over being a large woman...Well, let me tell you, I am now an extra large woman. I have that stomach thing, the roll that hangs over the roll on my stomach. I have the butt in the front thing that I have to zip my pants to. If you think it sounds funny, you ought to see how it looks.
Anywhoo...on Tuesday, I found the motivation. I zipped my size 18's...yes, 18's and they were tight. You see, on the Island, I wore a bathing suit with a little (big) moo-moo over it so it was easy not to see the damage. But on Tuesday morning, the world came crashing down on me in front of the mirror. I had hopped out of the shower and managed not to look at myself except to notice my hair and face. Then, I quickly put on all my clothes and busied my thoughts with the mess my bedroom was. But then...I tried to zip the pants and I was forced to look in the mirror. This time, I didn't beat myself up...I pulled off the pants and put on some other ones that fit because they had been stretched out so much that I could wear them and got going. I told myself I would talk to me later...
I drive alot in my work to folks homes. I have alot of time in the car. On Tuesday, I thought about myself. About how I have this weird thing with food and how that first bite always calms me down. The food thing is like when I was a smoker. I used to associate everything good with a smoke...but, I gave that up 20 years ago and still have had good times. I thought about how when I let myself eat with abandon, I feel pretty lousy after it is all over, about how my feet swell up with salt, and sometimes if I lay down after I am full, I feel the whole meal in my throat all night. Well...I told myself...that is certainly not comforting or fun...
So I started on Tuesday...apple and cheese for lunch and a salad with chicken for dinner. It wasn't too hard. I did move my computer back up to my office instead of in the kitchen, and I also cleaned up the kitchen after dinner and "closed" it. (When I had 3 school aged kids, I would announce after dinner that the KITCHEN IS CLOSED,
so they wouldn't use dishes after I had cleaned it.)
Wednesday was more of the same...I was hungry to be honest. But, I hadn't felt my stomach growl in so many months that it was music to my ears. I also went for a walk on Tuesday and Wednesday. I am back to walks when I used to be able to go to kickboxing and last an hour and a half. But...at least I am moving some.
This morning, I got on the scale. I had 2 glasses of my pink wine last night when Jim and I sat and visited before dinner. I am not going to give that up. But, we did not have any poo-poo's and that was different. I usually would pull out the tortilla chips and make my guacamole but I didn't. Back to the scale...I am down 10 pounds from when I got on the scale last Monday night after we got home. Now, I am sure that it is water weight, but I can see my feet and I don't have cankles...I have actual ankle bones. My pants are still tight and the butt in the front thing is still here and will be for a long time.
But, for the first time in a long time, I have some hope. I am not beating myself up for getting fat and old...I am just accepting it. And...I'm working on it in a different way. I'm not mad because I can't eat. In the car on Tuesday, myself and I decided eating all that crap really isn't all it's cracked up to be. I also gave myself a good dose of reality mixed in with all this. I am 47 and guess what? I ain't getting any younger. At this point, it's more about being able to move well and do the things I want to do that are more than eating.
So here we go again. Diet number 70,001 but this time...I am sure it's gonna work. Actually, I don't know what to think except I know when I have some real "stick -to -it-- iv -ness" and I am thinking for at least today...I am on board!
So the Island time was more valuable than I thought at first. I recommend, if you're fat like me, put on the bathing suit and the moo-moo, cover up all the sins of the past and enjoy. Then when you get back, take a good look at yourself and if your anything like me...closing down the eating machine for a week or two will be easy. The only thing is...I may have to go back to the Islands in a few weeks for some more motivation. Anyone in?
We'll tawk later,
I love you all,