Thursday, August 16, 2012

The Purple Funk...

I woke up this morning and and didn't want to get out of bed.  I wanted to keep sleeping.  I slowly went through my daily inventory in my head...what day is it, am I going to the gym, and do I need to wake anyone up for school.  I did this while my eyes were still closed.  Then I remembered, today is Thursday...

Three more days until I move my second child to college.  As I type this, the lump in my throat is growing and I am trying not to cry.  I feel just like I did two years ago, when the first one went but I also feel different.  

My first one came home occasionally, called every day to say hello and grabbed the world by the tail.  She joined clubs, met people and learned so much.  I am proud of her.  But I miss her intensely...so much that I try not to think about her.  When my phone rings and it's her name on the screen, the first thing I do is take a deep breath before I answer.  The feelings are so deep and intense because I miss her so much.

Now I gotta do this again.  We leave Monday morning bright and early to dump off stuff in his dorm and then kiss him goodbye.  I leave him with his sister but I still leave him.  He will start his life as a grown up, making decisions without the cushion of coming home, and will have to live with them. 

My youngest and I will go home and get him ready for the 10th grade...but I am sure it's going to be a difficult day.  I'm sending my second child to college and my last boy's best buddy is moving out. I can see we are gonna be a mess.

I guess it's about moving on and being happy for the kids...that they are moving on and doing what we had hoped and dreamed when them grew up.  I guess it's about feeling excited for them because they are excited.  At least that is what I am going to continue to say to myself day after day.

When the Queen left, I couldn't get out of bed for a month or two...Not literally, I mean, I got up but I was in a purple funk for that time.  Obviously I didn't handle it well...

People say to me, "you work with dying people, I can't believe you are so sad over your kids leaving for college."  

I have an answer to that...

It's about losses.  It's about time passing.  It's about wishing I could have just a little more time looking at his face and holding his hand. It's about finding a new normal without seeing him wander up the stairs silently every morning with a wet head.  It's about the last minute things he did that made me want to strangle him, listening to him repeat things he thought were funny over and over again until we all told him to shut up.  It's about him knowing when my heart is breaking and him telling me, "it's okay Mom."  It's all the things I love and hate about him leaving for the world...

I talked to one friend who sent her last one to college last year about the feelings,  "It sucks" is what she said.  "It's not that you don't want them to leave and go to college and have a wonderful life...It's not that at all.  It's just an adjustment thing for you and" she said," If you're like me, it's just hard to adjust."

While I want him to go and have a great time...I don't want to have to adjust.

But isn't that what life is about...adjustment?  When I take care of a younger husband and he is gone, there is a widow with high school kids learning to adjust.  Or a little old lady that had her husband in her face for 50 years telling her what to do and then...gone.  It is about adjustment or that word I am terrible at...change.  

So I guess I will let the tears flow when they come,  try to keep the food and drink out of my mouth unless I am hungry or thirsty and hold on to this third one tightly.  We'll head up to Boulder every chance we get to say hello...see them march, have dinner and begin to adjust to one at home.  

I mean, I guess I will...what else am I gonna do?

We'll tawk tomorrow,
I love you all,


Ms. Moon said...

If I have any advice at all it's to quit telling yourself what you should think and feel and to think and feel exactly what you DO think and feel. That is the only way to get through the process of adjustment.
I swear.

Elizabeth said...

Oh, dear. I'm sorry. I can only imagine and will have to endure the entire thing in the time it takes to snap a finger.

Sending strength!