Friday, February 3, 2012


As I sit at my computer this morning, I feel agitated.  There are feet of snow and school is cancelled and the weather makes me feel and makes me...helpless.   

I need to be places...to the gym, to patient's homes, to Florida and cannot get anywhere...at least not today.

The sun is coming up and the view from my window is a deep gray, a cold gray and I am sure that is the color of my heart today. 

There are hurting people, hurting friends, hurting family, hurting patients that crawl through my mind when I sleep.  I help them all at times and wake up with a sense of hope.  Then there are the nights like last night, where I am trying everything to help the hurting and pain...to  no avail.  I come to consciousness whimpering and I feel my husbands hand on my arm..."honey, honey, you're dreaming."  Sadly, as I come to, I realize I am dreaming but really I'm not.  This pain is real and happening and while I can offer love and a presence..I cannot make it go away.  Try as I may...I can't help.

This day matches my sense of helplessness.  The sky is low, as if heaven is coming to take me away but it does not.  I have spent alot of time praying lately...for hope, for cures, for strength...to be able to deal with the seemingly unending pain and suffering.

I am learning that it is easier to put yourself in someone's shoes when you have to imagine what it's like.  When you are in those shoes...the helplessness, the suffering, the hope and hopelessness...it ain't so easy.

I was told after my mother passed away that time heals all ills...and I didn't believe it.  I was mad and didn't think I could go on with the ache that happened every morning when I opened my eyes.  But it did help...time softened the ache and made it bearable enough to go on.  Time even made it possible to think about my mother and father with fondness and laughter...to be able to say, as I did when I was in Florida a few weeks ago, " I really miss Daddy" and then go on. 

So we put those feet in those shoes, the ones that are not imagined but the real shoes of pain, and put one foot in front of the other.  We stand together wishing and praying for miracles, for strength, for hope and for time.  We are also very thankful for the time that has been spent.  But we want more time...just a little more...please?

We all want more time...don't we?  Who ever your God is, where ever you think he or she is, throw some prayers or energy up for more time...for answers, for less pain and suffering...and strength for those having trouble in those same shoes of pain.

I would do that for you if you asked and now I am asking...
We'll tawk tommorrow,
I love you all,


Ms. Moon said...

See- in my religion, YOU are an angel. You do bring relief from pain. You DO make things more bearable. In reality and in truth.
So I will pray for you, honey. And I want to remind you that you cannot, as much as you want to, take the burden of anyone else's pain upon your own shoulders. You can only offer what you have in your toolbox, which includes medications and your very presence. But you can't do what can't be done. You can walk with someone down a path but it is not your path.
You deserve happiness and you deserve to be able to find the joy in the small and grand ways that your life offers you. Your path.
I love you, Terry. With all my heart.

idriveskj said...

I read your blog to remind me there are angels in our lives. I pray for you and your patients every day, sweetie! Count your blessings...I count you as one! Peace, Luann

Birdie said...

Do you know about Reiki? You can always send Reiki when you can't be there is person. Take it from the universe and send it to the people you can't be with. It really works!

Cynthia said...

I have really come to believe in sending energy out to those places where I cannot be, I like what Birdie says. But my comment is really about your line about how the hurting people crawl through your mind when you sleep. That is such an incredibly good description of what that feels like. And no, not just when you sleep, but they are always crawling through. This is because you know your mission here and you work, every day, to fulfill that mission. Keep up the good work. You are being an instrument to bringing those crawling ones to a place of peace.