Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Valentine's day revisited...

This is a re-post.   Last year on Valentine's day, my brother in law passed away.  I cannot believe, as hard as I try, that it has been a year.  My brother in law would be so proud of how is love and his girls have handled life without him...putting on their "big girl pants", getting out of bed every day and living.  As I said before, I admire their strength. 

I often think of what real love is...do Jim and I have it?  Will we be there for each other when the going gets tough?  I think so...but I guess you never know until the time comes.  Just like everyone else, I love to be appreciated...and some partners are better than others.  I learned last year,  real devotion and love happens when we are vulnerable, let our guard down and be loved.  I guess I am saying that as much for myself as for anyone else.

So to all of you...have a great day of love, be it "hot" love (sorry kids), enduring love, or loving the person that may not be here when you wake up.  If  tonight was your last night to tell your love how much they mean to you...what would you say?  There are no guarantees, and you have right now...

(written 2/14/12)
Today is Valentine's day...a day when a card, flowers or a gift makes or breaks a relationship.  When I was younger, I expected something for Valentine's day and Jim would pay if I didn't get it.  I would decide that he didn't care, he didn't really love me and that he deserved to be punished. 

This Valentines day, I could care less who gives what or what goes on.  It's funny how life does that to us. 

The wait is over, the battle won as they say.  This morning, while the world was sleeping, including us, he snuck away from us.  When we awoke, at 4 am, he was gone.  He put up a fight that screamed of not wanting to leave but in the end...he did.

Now what is left is the aftermath.  I go from couch to couch and although I want to be awake, the deep exhaustion has taken over and I sleep.  I hear family talking around me but cannot participate because that would take energy and I have none.

There are knocks on the door and people showing up. They want to bring things, help, and speak of sorrow they feel but we all hesitate to answer the door.   All of us are walking around doing different things to get through the day.

I think about how I used to think that a gift was needed to prove love and devotion.  I now understand and get to witness what true devotion is on an almost daily basis...and it isn't remembering a made up holiday that signifies love.  I mean, sure it's nice to get pretty roses or candies or a card that is sincerely written about how much you mean to your love.  But as I write about all the time, the true love and devotion presents itself when things get hard and messy.  When you take someone home not knowing how hard it will be to help care for them...or how they will deal with a life changing and life ending diagnosis.  

True love and devotion is climbing into bed with them while they are struggling to leave this world and holding their hand until they do, advocating for the pain that is seen and unseen or doing whatever it takes to treat them as you always have even though you don't know if they are still hearing you.  That, my friends, is true love and devotion.

So Happy Valentine's day...and may you get what you want from your love, be it roses, candies or a heartfelt card.  If you don't get any of those things, but know when you  need them for the hard and really messy stuff of life, that they will lie beside you and hold your hand, be thankful for that because you already  have true love and devotion.

We'll tawk tommorrow,
I love you all,


idriveskj said...

So sorry for your loss! Praying for peace and comfort for your family, but especially you sweetie!

Birdie said...

I always knew my mom and dad were in love. I knew they were best friend and that they adored each other. What I did not see was how deep and wide was there love until my mom's last days. She cried for my dad if he had to step out of the room. Once she just let out a weary cry asking him for a hug. He raised the bed to its highest point and put his arms around her. I felt like an intruder at that point. I was witnessing something sacred.
The funny thing is my dad never bought flowers, chocolates or cards for my mom in all the time they were married. My mom just knew she was loved.