I am finally in my office...with my music on and my glass of pink wine. It is Saturday evening here in Conifer. Holy Saturday...but I am not going to the service. I can feel the Holy Spirit right here with me...in my office listening to Jimmy Buffet sing "Brown Eyed Girl".
I feel myself slipping back into my chaotic, unaware life again. I don't quite know why, but I am. I ran from thing to thing last week feeling that familiar feeling of failure. The feeling that I am on a treadmill and I am a small rat that just needs to keep going...looking in front of me and moving my legs but not seeing where I am or what I have just done. Not experiencing life.
I should and do know better. I can't remember much about my last kid...I have very few pictures and the one that sticks in my mind is him in his car seat going from activity to activity. I don't remember his toothless smile or his little idiosyncrasies...although I am sure he had them because he has them now. I was busy and I was getting things done. I didn't get the important stuff done though...like experiencing and remembering.
I am sitting here thinking about how to do it all. As I sit in my office...I hear my son playing his guitar and singing Bob Seger with my husband...."Here I am, back on the road again, here I am up on the stage, here I am playing the star again...there I go...turn the page" and I feel that contentment that I haven't felt all week as I have run from thing to thing. Sure, the wind ensemble was fed, and the career fair at the middle school had me to represent nurses, and yes, I have some lovely patients to take care of in their homes but...
Then I saw the little ukelele that my son talked me into buying him...sitting in the livingroom next to the guitar and the saxophone. I remember the first song he taught himself on the guitar, "Somewhere over the Rainbow" and how proud he was of himself. I remember him playing the song for a guest and how he struggled and we cheered him on. But most of all, I remember the feeling of contentment...of sheer joy at what was happening in my little insignificant world at that time.
My little insignificant life...somewhere over the rainbow..where dreams really do come true. A life with three teenagers and a husband and dogs and a rabbit and a gecko. A life where I have the privelage of taking care of people in their most intimate moments, hearing the sound of guitars, ukeleles, saxaphones and baritones just when I feel like my head is going to explode. I get to clean a house that is too big and wash more than enough clothes to wear, to watch my sons play baseball and where my daughter comes home from college and brings her friends because she wants to. A life where I have a husband that still wants to kiss me and talk to me...to go out on dates on Friday nights and hold my hand after 22 years.