Saturday, March 26, 2011

I'm Tired...

I am blessed...lucky...happy...and mad.  The boys left for Juarez to build a house...and were totally "stoked".   They were talking about the route from our house to El Paso and wanted to take the scenic route.  My husband said to my son...."let's hypotenuse it" and my son hopped up and high-fived my husband..."It's a verb, Mom" and then said..."this is going to be awesome."

I have to say...after this week, the whole scene put a smile on my face.  I am tired.  Tired of the way the world is.  Tired of wars and politics and dogs that don't listen and husbands that are tuned out and kids that think I am crazy and suicide and dirt and chaos and lymphoma and bowel obstructions and surgery and pain and suffering... but mostly pain and suffering.

I am also tired of not measuring up and not being who I am called to be. I am tired of  not paying attention and driving the car into a pile of asphalt and then into the ditch and thinking I got away with it to discover the car was overheating.  I am tired of standing at Staples with a dog that ran away and didn't have a leash waiting for the tow truck.  I am tired of wanting the perfect job because I feel I must work but not really wanting to be committed to something.  I am tired of bringing the dogs to things because they have escaped or chewed something and they have to go with me because I didn't plan enough time to be on time.  (I was taking my dog to an interview with a Hospice to begin my career again in Hospice nursing.)  But...I am tired of wondering who and what I am supposed to do...who I am supposed to be... what is the deal?

Last night, as the boys were getting ready for Juarez, my husband kinda lost it.  He was asking my oldest son to do some things to get ready and my son was distracted.  After about the 4th time...my husband started to yell.  I was surprised and stunned.  Because he yelled, my son asked him to calm down which made him even madder.  I was still stinging from the sadness and tradgedy from the week and felt like this was not the time to freak out.  I went into my paranoid mode and felt like I needed to make it all better and tell my oldest son that he was a good boy and loved. Thankfully, he was aware that Dad was on edge and just let it go..."He's freakin out Mom...it's okay...I will settle down and get the packing done."

I went upstairs and went to bed.  I decided that I would just keep my mouth shut and try to sleep...but as I lie in bed...I started to cry.  I think I was mad at Jim for yelling at my son...my vulnerable boy, who lost his buddy, my precious 16 year old son...but now I am not sure that is what it was.  Jim climbed into bed and noticed..."What's the matter?"  he asked..."Nothing"  I said about 10 times.  I said that because it was not something I could really explain.  Yeah, I was mad but it was more than that.  It was a sadness that enveloped my heart and soul.  It was about all the things of the week and the grief and pain for the family of my son's buddy.   It was family things that I wish were different...just life in all of it's richness and sadness.

This morning, I pulled myself out of the funk I was cultivating and moved on.  I kissed the boys good bye and sent them on their way.  I told them I loved them and wished them traveling mercies...even my husband.  I picked up the car at the garage to the tune of 564.00.  I spent the day with the Queen. She made dinner with stuffed peppers while I snored on the couch in the living room.  I poured my glass of pink wine...let's face it...two glasses when all was said and done...and enjoyed my quiet night.  The boys called from Secoro, NM and are in heaven to be on a road/mission trip. 

So there....la di da...as we always said in college.  The ups and downs and all arounds of a rich life.  I can't wait to hear of the relationships formed with the people of Mexico and how happy they will be when the 11 x 22 rectangle of block and stucco is their home...the smiles my sons will encounter and the love they will feel and give...the time with their father.

I can wait to go to a memorial on Thursday in place of my son that will test my every belief in God.  But I will go...and honor that boy.  

Tonight, I have no answers...no easy way to wrap up the pain, suffering, luck and sweetness of the week.  I know that tommorrow is another day...as my mother used to say...and hopefully it will be without the sadness and troubles that the previous days were.  But, tomorrow I will drop the Queen off in front of her dorm and kiss her good bye...and that will bring it's own rush of feelings.

So tonight...love the ones that are close.  Give them the "benefit of the doubt" and remember...time is a precious thing...and we have no control of the amount but we do have control over how we spend and react to the things that happen in that time.

Good night and sleep well.
We'll tawk tommorrow,'
I love you all,


Lo said...

This is a lovely, honest, sensitive post.

Hope you get thru the rough patches.

Here's a hug.

Ms. Moon said...

Terry- You are beautiful in your joy. You are beautiful in your pain.
You are beautiful and I love you.