I interviewed for a job today. It was at a place I loved working at and hated at the same time. I loved my hospice patients, their families and the opportunity to walk with them in probably one of the most difficult times in life. I also hated it. I hated the paperwork, the sadness, the times when I felt like I hadn't done enough to comfort the patients and the families.
I was asked today about why I wanted to come back and do that work again. "Good question" I said. I thought for a moment and finally said "I miss it...It was my ministry and I don't have that anymore."
I know it sounds funny...peculiar to talk about a job that way, but if you are a nurse, and the kind of nurse that I wanted to always be...you get it. I decided when I was graduating for nursing school in the dark ages, that I would try to care for my patients as if they were my own family. Every older lady was my mother and every older man was my father...and that was how I did it for many years. I did get tired, though. I got really tired when I had a person that was in pain and everything modern medicine could do didn't help. After about 5 years doing Hospice, I declared that my soul was tired.
It was a time when I had kids that were little and were involved in things and I had a husband who was still youngish and wanted my attention...and I wanted/needed to be everything to everyone...including my patients. Most days, back then, I was. But on the other days...watch out because I was a force to be reckoned with. Finally, I decided the grass most certainly had to be greener somewhere else. It would be greener at another agency or a rehab hospital or having my own business.
The grass was not greener at those places...or wherever I went for that matter. I learned over the years that it was me. The grass would never be greener anywhere if I didn't stop and be in the moment, live for the now and appreciate what I had and have. If I continued to search for a different job that I liked better or a different color of paint on the wall or a nicer car only to find that I still was searching...then what is the point?
So today, when I sat down and saw the old familiar faces that I had worked with...the most superb, caring nurses that I have ever known, I felt that peace that I had searched for 5 years ago but couldn't find it there. I didn't pretend to be something I am not. I told my story of searching and finally feeling like I found why I was searching and how I am on keenly aware that the grass is not greener. It is as green as you make it where you are at the time. It was good to see them and to reconnect...and I think it went well.
We'll see how it all works out. I do believe that if something is supposed to happen in our lives or our path...it does. Sometimes, the things I really think are great to do at the time...well, we don't need to go there again.
Wish me luck...I don't know if this job is the next chapter of my nursing ministry or not...but either way, I am going to make my grass green under my feet...wherever I am.
We'll tawk tommorrow,
I love you all,