Tonight I watched the "Biggest Loser" and cried. I love that show so much. I don't really know why. I mean, I kinda know why...I can relate but not to being that big. I can relate to being unhappy with my body and size but I think it is more than that. Those giant people must endure so much. I don't really know but when I hear the stories...I fall in love with them. Most of them anyway. At the end of the season, I sit in front of the TV and cry. I am so happy for them and so glad that they are feeling worthy. But, mostly when I watch the show, I look at my own big belly and think...It is time.
I signed up for the Look Good Naked boot camp about 5 weeks ago. I like it ok but we took off a week for christmas and I have now let my "vacation" lapse into two weeks. Today I got the phone call from the trainer...."Hello, Terry, we started a good week 5, where are you?" Yeah, where am I? That is a good question. Well, I am thinking I will throw in the towel and be 40 pounds overweight the rest of my life. I will stay on my high blood pressure meds and hope for the best...I will eat things I really want because I love the way they taste and then I will be mad because I did that. Oh, and I will continue to have a cocktail whenever I want because I want to. THAT IS WHERE I'M AT!
So of course, I didn't pick up the phone and say any of that...I just thought about it all day. I drove through Wendy's today for good measure because it may be LAST FAST FOOD I EVER HAVE! I have been mourning my meals that I love all day...and thinking that it's time....
Yes, it is time. Time to go back to the gym, to not stick everything I want in my mouth without thinking because it looks good, time to stop using food to make me happy, sad, or mad. It's time to deal with the feelings and not make a giant peanut butter sandwich with a glass of milk because I would rather chew and taste than deal with the mess in front of me. Yep, it's time.
I always get a little sad when it's time. I have done this drill thousands of "it's time's" before and it is sometime with success and sometime not. I have been a size 18 and I've been a 10. Listen, I may be a big girl, but I can still move. Always could. I can workout, dance, snowboard and be really active. I remember when my father came to visit me and said, "I am suprised your so big...you're so active." Yeah, me too Dad, thanks!
So tommorrow morning, I will get up....wedge myself into my work out pants and sports bra and go to the gym. The trainer and all the folks in the class will be happy to see me...oh and they will see more of me...but they won't say that. "How were the holidays?" the trainer will ask and I will tell her. She won't say much but she will have that look on her face and I will say...Yes, I know, it's time.
I will be thinking of you all tommorrow when I am "getting my heart rate up to burn calories' and swearing under my breath....
Love you all,
We'll tawk soon,